What is a teenager and why would I want one?

Share:    

What is a teenager and why would I want one?

I guess I could start by saying they are lanky, broody, stroppy, spotty things and no you don't want one. But that would be cruel and cynical right?

The truth is they are what has resulted from the cute sweet kids we loved to cuddle (and yes it's okay to cuddle your kids damn it!) and read bedtime stories to and take to the park and umpteen weekly birthday parties and football practice and ballet classes etc, before they became all independent and discovered the opposite sex as testosterone and hormones kicked in. They are the "work in progress" so far as adult reproduction is concerned and probably radioactive, contaminated and highly toxic. But, love em yes we do because, underneath all that stroppy huffy crap, is our baby! Frankly, they are the payback result of ten minutes of heaving and sweating one impassioned night fourteen or so years ago when you were absolutely not thinking of how they would turn out today. Any teenager would tell you at every opportunity how gross it is for parents to have ever - done it! Even allowing for the fact that they might have been teenagers themselves at the time, back in the dark ages. Double Gross!

Teenagers are a highly complex mixture of anxiety, celebration, exploration, growth spurts, intolerance, over confidence and insecurity all mixed up in one untidy and persecuted mess, oh and that's all your fault by the way! So don't you forget it right!

The truth is teenagers are pretty much what we have made them. It is a fact that you are standing there arguing with a manifestation of your own making, biologically and emotionally that figure in front of you is yours. So before you go judging your teen too harshly, take a good look at yourself and what you have done to bring it to this point. I say "it" simply because it's quicker than typing boy / girl all the time, though many would argue "it" is a pretty good term to use between about 13 and 17 years old or maybe longer. It, is arguing with you because you have trained it to, or allowed it to believe that answering you back with attitude is acceptable - up until now. If you don't like what you have created tough! All that can be said is, if you don't like the mess you've made it's up to you to clean it up.

Your teenager will of course be very different to others at the same stage simply because, all joking aside, they are people and people are all different, naturally. So, making or drawing any comparisons between them and their friends is pointless and probably destructive. It would be as fair as comparing you to a work colleague or even your own brother or sister. For my own self, I could not be more different from my brothers if I tried. I am me as much as you are you and your teen is your teen. If that sounds like I'm labouring the point I mean to. It's important that you realise teenagers are not all the same, do not act or think like a single entity and can, actually this is very true, be communicated with.

What you have to do, in order to understand your teen is to understand yourself. What are the qualities in you that have been imparted in such a way to make your teen what it is? They may be good, they may be bad, they may just be apathetic and lifeless. But whatever they are it is as a result of your personal programming. The best way to get inside your teens head is to start by looking inside your own. If you don't like what you find in your own head it follows that your creation is going to have similarly unattractive traits that will piss you off!

But to pursue the question of "what is a teenager" let us say this. A teenager is merely a temporary complex stage in human life that will eventually, thank goodness - pass. In all fairness they do actually have a great deal of pressure and stress to deal with and it's important that we realise and remember that. Coping with body changes alone is bad enough to start with. For an adult male, for example, if you are equipped with an unusually large or small penis you can keep that pretty much to yourself. No one is going to know about it unless you choose to wave it about in public, so no one is going to tease you or make comments or, worst of all, spread word to the World about it. Your lad will probably have to share a communal shower at school with thirty other lads and will have to deal with whatever observations are made. Tough? I'd say so. I can recall two lads in my class at senior school who got strife every time we did sports for entirely opposite reasons. Paul was a very well endowed lad who, despite his blushes, took great pride in being equipped like a fire engine while poor Roy had to endure the cruel whipping out of magnifying glasses and tape measures at every opportunity. Raucous laughter and teasing and arse whipping with a wet towel was common place and all he could do was endure it. Little did he know that the rest of us were grateful he was there so as to draw any attention away from us. In his defence, Roy was a great sport so they didn't goad him too cruelly after a while. He would stand on the benches and say something like "you wouldn't want it on your nose for a wart!" and because he laughed with them he defused the situation and they went off to pick on someone else. Secretly, I think he also impressed them with a neat trick I had never seen before or since. Roy was the master at being able to take a pee while still crossing the park on his bike. He never managed to fall off or even pee on his jeans, what a star! We never had to wait for him to catch up with the rest of us as we carried on across the fields at full pelt on our bikes.

As agirl with the more noticeable appendages announcing your arrival initially into womanhood and later, into a room, you can at least enhance your appearance in order to feel comfortable amongst your friends and colleagues. As a teenager you will have the same problems as the boys and probably worse with the onset of periods etc. Girls can be very cruel as we know so I have special sympathy for them at school. It is often not easy to cope with such adjustments when you have to share communal facilities at the same time as coping with such strange changes to your body. I for one think the boys get off easy though I can only hope that girls are, generally, more sympathetic to each other.

So all I am saying is that during the hours our teens are out of our sight they could be dealing with many such stressful situations. Body changes are only the tip of the iceberg. And, being teens, they may not be very willing or confident to share these problems with you at home. They often just bottle it up and get on with it without a word to us. Hiding in their bedrooms for hours to avoid confrontation with mum or dad could be a sign that something is troubling them and not, as you might determine, a display of unsociable behaviour. Tact, is most definitely needed at all times, when dealing with teen emotions and anxiety, as is your awareness that all may not be as it seems. You must think before you barge in on them and start complaining about boorish things like laundry or homework. Think, talk, listen communicate.

From my own experience I have to say I have been lucky. All of my kids (3 boys and a girl) have very grounded personalities and despite the odd sulky session, are very good kids. I say kids, my eldest is currently 29 years old. My youngest however is just 9 years. All have had and retain good friends. All have an opinion and are confident enough to share it, all have been popular and gifted in one way or another so have equally enjoyed a trouble free existence at school. I am very grateful for that but I am unashamed to claim at least some credit for having reared them well, equipped them with confidence and a maturity that never actually allowed any major teenage quirks to raise their ugly heads to a problem level. You may not be so fortunate of course, but I do refer back to my earlier statement that we are in part, responsible for how they turn out.

In the case of unruly teenagers or, as I unfairly term them, Street Rats, situations can be very different. It must be said that while my family are far from rich we are not impoverished either. As a child I myself had an idyllic childhood in the countryside and my own children benefitted from some of that before my own parents retired and left the farm. All of my kids have had a connection with the countryside, pets, open spaces etc and that has indeed helped them to become well rounded on their way to adulthood. My parents were great too and very much loved by all so values and decency were part and parcel of what became understood as family life. Naturally, this is not the case for many children and as a result they become disenfranchised from a family community and live by their own wits, values and influences from their peers and anyone else who might seek to influence them.

You'll forgive me for this next passage but I think it is relevant to my pointing out that children will develop in accordance with their influences and surroundings. I want you to accept that what you do in front of your kids may well come back to bight you. I was in Scotland on holiday with my two youngest, my wife and my parents. We were staying on a beautiful country estate in a hired cottage, mainly to enjoy time in the countryside and share some precious time with Nan and Grandpa. We popped into a small town somewhere between Glasgow and Edinburgh to get some shopping in the local supermarket. It was a nice shopping park, very respectable, decent cars in the car park, affluent I guess. We collected our trolley and walked into the shop. Just in front of us was a very well dressed and attractive "well to do" lady with two young sons of about 10 or 11 I'd guess. They were just walking by her and she was mooching along the aisle as you do. Suddenly she raised her arm at the two lads and shouted as loud as you like "Go and get me some f@*!?$g carrots!" The two lads scooted off as instructed and I nearly fell over with shock as indeed we all did. The boys came back with the carrots and she went off again, "now go and get the f@*!?$g biscuits!" My youngest son came up to me and said "Dad why is that lady swearing and shouting like that?" I honestly had no idea, she gave no appearance of the type that might have come from the gutter but she certainly acted that way and her poor boys just had to cope with it. My point being that even if you live in a polite town with nice people, full employment etc you never really know what people are like. Those kids in hoodies on the corner of the road looking menacing could have come from a working class family with good parents who have brought them up well and erred, maybe, simply on the choice of fashions their son wears. While others could come from "good" homes where the reality is actually quite the opposite. You just don't know. There is no way you can pre judge teenagers, the only way to judge them truly is to get to know them inside and out like any other age group and treat them accordingly.

My belief is that birds of a feather, in the main, DO flock together. Good kids will gather with other good kids and bad, or easily influenced,with bad. Your best bet is to make sure your teenager is a good one and will naturally choose to mix with its own type and thus keep out of trouble or more importantly, danger. This brings us back once again to installing good family values and establishing respect at all levels. As a parent that is your responsibility, you accept that when you decide to have children and start a family you will teach that child about right and wrong and how to be a good citizen. If you don't it is you who have failed not the child.

An example of how we influence our children is probably best exampled with my own son, currently 14 years old. We are fairly average parents I would guess. My wife is more reserved than me, I'm quite outgoing and enjoy a good laugh, she is more quiet and less confident. About 16 years ago I married my wife, a Malaysian, and she moved here to the UK to join me. I wanted her to enjoy her life here in England so I helped her to set-up a family business which she still runs today. A small wool and crafts shop in our local town. She loves it and the town loves the shop so it has all worked out well. It will never make us rich but hey, that wasn't the point. Anyway, my son works there on a Saturday for pocket money and to ensure he can go on the school skiing trips etc, it's a good arrangement that teaches him the value of money and a good work ethic. Anyway, all the women come in to buy their knitting yarn and my son is good with them and does all he can to sell them what they want. Consequently he has learned a great deal about knitting and can actually knit quite well himself. Initially I was a bit worried about this, thinking his mates at school would give him hell for being a knitter. But quite to the contrary it has actually been an amazing success. Thankfully my son is very popular, especially with the girls. The boys think he's a cool footballer and he's witty etc so he's pretty cool with himself. Then he really started to notice "girls" and that they liked fashion. So clever dick that he is, he started knitting scarves to impress the girls. Better than that he started knitting them for the other boys to give to their girls and charged for the service. Suddenly he had an enterprise going. The result being that we all learned something. He learned that its okay to be yourself and not care what others might think, as the result might be quite different to what you expected. I learned that teenagers are actually pretty cool and switched on to things I would have expected to create a negative reaction. Instead of getting a hard time for knitting scarves for the girls he actually got respect.

So teenagers are entirely capable of enjoying very good social network within their own groups. While they may appear alien to us, teenagers are often quite compatible with other teenagers! Their awkwardness with us at home is not a true reflection of how they are in their own environment, what we see indoors is not necessarily who they are at all when in free control of their own social circles. Surprised? Of course not. But we do forget that sometimes, when we are only faced with the day to day home management drudgery associated with our role in the running of a family. At home, we "the parents", are simply the support crew to our teenagers social life. We often only get to see the pits eye view of the Formula One teen lifestyle they actually enjoy away from home. We get to share a few transient hours a day once they return from school. They get home, we get home from work, a meal is prepared, ideally it is eaten as a family group and not in shifts, they go off and do homework, we do our stuff, somewhere in that mix there's a bit of TV watching, running to clubs or activities etc, but all in all those few hours between regrouping at home after day timer activities and going to bed gives us precious little quality time to maintain the process of knowing each other. They spend more time at school or with their mates than they do with us and I, for one, have even resorted to having conversations with my sons mates to find out what he's like and what the others think of him. My son would never tell me in too much detail himself, so I have "researched" his activities by chatting to his mates. Nothing devious or intrusive please understand, just friendly chat that opens a door to opportunity for any concerns to be vented. For example, if my son were being bullied in any way, I'm sure his mates would let me know just by way of looking out for his welfare. They are a good group of lads and girls and a few simple words here and there have enabled me to let my son get on with his life without interference by me or any worry on the part of myself or my wife. Communication is the key without any doubt. Don't be afraid to talk, or ask questions. If nothing else, your interest will at least underpin awareness that you care.

So, to answer the question "What is a teenager and why would I want one" you have to turn to your own particular model teenage version for the answer. Don't assume that you know your child, believe me, you probably don't. You know a part sure, but you are not with them all day and you have less influence over them now they are young adults than you did when they were small. So do yourself a favour. Get to know your teen, talk, communicate, share time and relearn how to appreciate each other and what you each have to offer. You may just be surprised at who you meet when you get under that pouty exterior...

For myself I love my teenage son because he surprises me constantly. Sure he can be mopey, untidy, frustrating at times but he is also very loving, cares about his family, helps look after his little brother and coaches him as a goalie. He is good with his grandma, helps with the shopping, cooking gardening and our shop so how can I really complain? I do of course. But that's all part of my approach to parenting that seeks to instill values and a hint of vulnerability that ensures confidence without cockiness!

You can contact Trevor Krueger by Email: trevor@global-ambassador.org

His latest venture is www.global-ambassador.org

And you can follow his personal blog at: www.trevorkrueger.com

Ends

POST COMMENT

So So Happy – A children book application for iPhone and iPad Kids Dance Classes - Things You Need To Know THE BENEFITS OF ORGANIC CHILDREN'S CLOTHING Cheap Children Story Books Offering Thrill & Knowledge Children can Learn Through play A Teenage Guide To Living Gluten Free Teenage And Grownup Acne Cures Will Be Identical Utilizing Long Sleeve Polo Shirts: Logo Polo Shirts, Ladies Polo Shirts, Polo Shirts For Kids Traditional Personalized First Communion Gifts For Your Child Teach Your Child How to Set Up a Play Tent The Best Way to Treat Childhood Anxiety Disorder Youth ministries activities-Helping Teenagers See The Path To Heaven A Day Out with Kids While Staying at Hotels near Russell Square