My Teen Wants to Live with the Ex
My Teen Wants to Live with the Ex
If you've read or listened to me speaking, you'll know that I'm an advocate for children staying together and moving as a 'unit'. It's more of an All or None approach when deciding on the routine of who goes where when. As life is often not so black 'n white, nor so simplistic in it's approach, I'd like to raise one issue where this rule needs to be considered in shades of grey instead.
What you're about to learn is how you handle the demand from your teen, who insists they want to go and live with your Ex permanently, stepping out of the coming-and-going between two homes.
You'll learn what questions to ask and what motives you're looking for.
You'll learn the observed consequences of other teens who have done this - and their surprised results.
You'll learn what to do when you have no choice.
Let's start with the big one first - the determining factor in this equation.
Why is your teen asking?
There's usually a few predictable answers to this question. While all answers are valid, there is one that you're looking out for.
If the reason is because of a personality conflict between siblings or with you, to have them move out and avoid dealing with it, will only postpone the inevitable.
What I mean by this is that if your teen is just sick and tired of their younger brother and sister, it doesn't serve them to avoid spending time together.
It may suit them, but its doesn't serve them.
It breeds into them a pattern of avoidance that can be challenging for them to break in their personal relationships in years to come.
So, you'll need a few smart ways of dealing with this and the first I offer is visibility of the problem.
It's true for most of us that when problems are kept in the dark, we tend to fear them more than once they're brought out into the light. Once we see them, we can start dealing with what's in front of us.
To bring light into this problem, you'll need to have a loving and caring conversation with your teen alone about the frustrations that relationships provide and how to handle them.
If it's because of siblings, you'll want to have this similar (age appropriate) conversation with your other children too - and you'll want to have it as a family.
If it's because of you, you'll want to work on this to bridge the gaps in the relationship between you. It's okay that this happens - it's using it as a way to learn and grow from it rather than seeing it as something that has gone wrong.
Take the time to gently expose the hurts and frustrations. Talk about the feelings of perhaps lack of support or their lack of feeling like they belong.
If you can use their request to move out and live with your Ex as a point in your relationship to really talk and change some poor patterns, then you have gained so much.
This said, there are times when regardless of what you do now, they've made up their mind and they're going to move out.
When this happens, your best approach is to openly and warmly accept that this is their choice, and let them go freely.
After all, you know who they're about to live with...
More times than I care to mention ... they'll be home soon enough!
Your job then is to welcome them home and resist the temptation to say "I told you so".
Of course, there are many other reasons why this may come up with your teen, and I'm not going to go into them all here today - that's in my "Routines That Rock" program.
What I can tell you though is that there is a difference between your teen expressing their desire, an option, having power, and their belief in this power.
When we feel emotionally involved (as we do with our children), discussions like these can cut us really deeply. It's perfectly normal. So while it can be a painful process to hear what your teen has to say, remember, the time will come when living at home is no longer in your child's, nor your, best interest.
There is no absolute age that it all changes either with circumstances being a major factor in this equation. What is really important for you though, is to learn your own boundaries and where to place them.
I'm going to go into more detail about this in my program, so if you think this is relevant to your life right now, I encourage you to invest into your family to receive the answers. The next 20 parents still receive my 20% discount ... and you can start today to receive:
A series of videos with me walking you through each aspect of routines and making them work with your children and Ex.
Worksheets to help you sort out what the best routine is for your family.
A checklist to avoid items forgotten at handovers.
And you get to ask me your routine-related questions throughout the program.
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