End A Divorce and Child Custody Conflict Using This One Idea
End A Divorce and Child Custody Conflict Using This One Idea
When parents cannot coparent, they need to control the contact and communication.Parentsneed tolearn how to 'Ex' Communicate with the other parent so they can calm down. Here is one simple rule you can follow to immediately reduce the conflictfor both you and your children. Parents need to learn to parallel parent rather than coparent with each other. This means that they have to learn new ways to communicate or stop communicating directly with each other. This article offers parents a simple way to immediately reduce their contact with each other so they can begin to end their custody conflicts. We will discuss the first rule of two, that parents can implement to begin parallel parenting and it will help them calm down.
Visual and Verbal Contact
One of the first things conflictual coparents must understand is that whenever they see (visual) the other parent or hear (verbal) their voice, both parents will experienceanxiety reactions. Anxiety reactions can be feeling nervous, having heart palpitations, having difficulty breathing, or being unable to concentrate. These are also called "fight or flight reactions." The body and mind go into a hyper-vigilant state, while cortisol races throughout the body and mind. Parents experiencing these reactions explain it as if they are being chased by wild animals through the jungle.
These anxiety reactions can last as long as 72 hours or 3 days after every interaction. When parents exchange the children with each other on Friday, Sunday and then again on Wednesday, both parents will experience cortisol reactions on Friday, Sunday and Wednesday. The same kind of anxiety reaction occurs when parents talk to each other on the telephone, or receive or send texts or emails, or see each other in court, or go to coparenting classes together or go to a coparenting counsel session together. If it takes 3 days to recover from every interaction, the parents will constantly stay in an anxiety state. They will never be able to calm down.
While the mind and body are constantly trying to recover and get back to a normal state (homeostasis), the next interaction occurs. This means that neither parent is ever emotionally available to respond to their children. It is as if "the lights are on, but no one is home" for them. To help parents to become emotionally available for their children, they have to stop having daily and weekly interactions with the other parent.
Most professionals do not understand these anxiety-cortisol experiences that occur when parents see each other or hear the voice of the other parent. They often insist that parents "learn" to work together for the children's sake, which also causes the parents to have even more anxiety reactions. Often, these parents feel like a failure because they cannot coparent together, and keep getting ordered to courses to learn how to get along. They are also labeled, "high conflict coparents," which is distressing for the parent who really wants to end the custody conflict once and for all.
Contact + Communication=Conflict.
Parents can start to calm down when they understand this follow simple equation: Contact+Communication = Conflict. When parents learn to control the contact and the communication with the other parent, they can significantly reduce the conflicts with the other parent. There are two simple rules to follow that will help to control the conflict. We will talk about the first rule in this post. Rule number one is to:
Eliminate all face-to-face communication and contact with the other parent (including telephone contact) for a minimum of two years.
Eliminate all Face-to-Face Child Sharing Exchanges:
One of the fastest ways to reduce the ongoing anxiety reactions for parents is to eliminate all face-to-face child exchanges. Move all child exchanges with the other parent to a neutral location. For example, the exchange of the children can occur after school, when one parent has dropped the children off in the morning to school, when the other parent will pick them up after school is over. Using a day care facility also works the same way.
The parent dropping the children off is now free to go about their day, without having to be present for the pick-up of the children. When there is a holiday, the parents can find a neutral person to exchange the children, so they do not have to see each other face-to-face. On non-school days, if the children are at least six years old, the parent returning the children can stay in the car and watch them run up to the other parent's door, or they can walk the children to a certain distance away from the door, to see they arrive safely but to be far enough away that they do not create potential for an eruption with the other parent, (the parents will probably still experience an anxiety reaction, but the potential for a disruption will be lessened by staying away). It is best if the parents can figure out ways to eliminate seeing the other at all, even from a distance.
What if A High Conflict Parent Likes The Face-to-Face Interactions?
In conflictual coparenting situations, there may be one parent who will continue to break the rules so they can have ongoing face-to-face exchanges. There are many reasons a parent may want to keep the contact going with the other parent, some of these reasons include that fact that one parent is not done with the marital relationship and wants or needs to see the other parent to get their "fix." This is the subject of another article, but in many high conflict cases, one of the parents has tremendous difficulty letting go of the conflict with the other parent. This is why it is even more important that a court order state that there be no face-to-face exchanges, that there be specific details as to how, when and where the exchanges will occur, to eliminate ongoing conflict in front of the children and to calm the anxiety down.
Parents often ask the question, "What about seeing the other parent at an extracurricular event for the children or a school event?" The answer to this question is that for the first two years of practicing the no-face-to-face child exchange rule, parents should not go on the same weekend or weekday to their child's events, if they know that it will result in conflict for the children and for themselves. This may be a very difficult rule to follow for parents because they will miss out on seeing the children at activities that are not on their time, however, children also experience the same type of anxiety reactions as their parents, but they do not have the power to get their parents to stop fighting, especially in front of them.
When children have witnessed their parents react or they worry that their parents will have an argument, get physical, or make scene at their event because they are in the same place at the same time, the children will remain anxious about the next time it happens. One twelve year old told me that the hair on the back of his neck stood straight out and he was suffocating whenever his parents were together because they always had some kind of negative interaction.
Children are often very relieved to know that both of their parents are not going to show up at the same event so they can concentrate of just enjoying themselves. One young boy told his parents that he hated playing basketball because he could not concentrate anymore during the games because he was always worried about his parents having a shouting match at the games and completely embarrassing him. Because children have the same kind of anxiety-cortisol reactions as their parents, they often negatively anticipate having their parents see each other or talk to each other at their special events because there is always a potential for tension and conflict.
If you cannot implement the "no face-to-face rule" by yourself, then ask your attorney to help you by writing a proposal to the other attorney or parent (if they are self-represented). Have them outline the neutral exchange locations, times and dates if there needs to be a change in the current arrangement. Or, if you have a court hearing coming up, you might be able to request that this rule be implemented into your court order by a mediator or the Judge. If you do not have a hearing coming up, but you do have a mental health professional on your case, ask them for help to create a new plan for neutral exchanges.
The best way to implement this rule is to help the professionals and the other parent to understand how much negative anticipation the children are experiencing because of the face-to-face interactions, and the potential for ongoing conflict can be reduced or eliminated immediately by complying with this one rule. Once you can take control of the amount of time you see the other parent or hear their voice, you will begin to calm down and start being more emotionally present for your children.
*Show this article to your attorney and the mental health professionals on your case. It may help them better understand the cortisol-anxiety reactions you are experiencing during every interaction with the other parent, they may help them stop insisting that you "work together" and learn to get along. You will find that when you implement this one simple rule, you will immediately start to feel less anxious, you will be able to focus your energy on being "with" your children and you will reduce some of the chronic complaints that occur, that drive the professionals crazy when they have to try to settle what they consider "silly" issues that to parents are deal breakers and huge issues.
To learn about the second rule to help parents reduce their conflict, go to the blog post,How to Ex Communicate Part 2 or stop talking directly to the other parent.
To learn more coparenting strategies to get back in control of your life, you may want to take a mini-coparenting course online at www.ParentsInConflict.com.
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