Sometimes Kids Just Need A Little Practice
My brother-in-law dropped off his 5-year old son at my house the other day so he could go to his little girl's dance recital
. Within a short period of time he, along with my other children, became rowdy and started distracting my 1-year old little girl from eating. She became so distracted in fact that she stopped eating entirely and was fascinated by whatever they were doing. After a while, I looked over at my nephew and my kids and said, "Alright, guys, I need you to go upstairs so that I can finish feeding baby Ashlyn." My nephew looked at me and said, "No!"It's a good thing that I spent the last few months building a good relationship with my nephew so that at times like these I can handle the situation without damaging the relationship. I looked at him, smiled, and said, "I thought you might say that." I then walked over to him, picked him up, and took him upstairs. As I picked him up, I said, "I guess your ears weren't working very well. That's okay; I will just have you sit in this room for a few minutes to give them some rest." The room that I had him sit in conveniently has the door knob switched so the lock is on the outside. Needless to say, it was pretty easy to keep him in the room until I finished feeding my baby girl.
Usually, when I have a child come out of a "time out" I ask if he or she is ready to be with the family again, then I give him or her hugs, and then we move on without focusing on the offending behavior. But when kids need a little practice with the basics such as come here or go there, I will provide them with an opportunity to practice. So when I went back upstairs to let him out, I told him that he was lucky to have an uncle like me to help him with his listening skills. We came downstairs and I told him that some kids just need a little practice. I told him that I was going to say, "Alright, guys, I need you to go upstairs," and then he would go upstairs. I said it, and then I coached him to go up the stairs. Once he was at the top of the stairs I said "great, it looks like your ears are working now." Then I told him to come back down the stairs. We practiced it 3 times where I would say, "Alright, guys, I need you to go upstairs," and then he would go upstairs and then I would have him come back and do it again. If he had refused to go up the stairs then I would have just placed him in the room again and we would have practiced it when he came out.
Elements of the story:
1. It wouldn't have worked to take him to a room for telling me "no" if I didn't have a good relationship with him. He would have just seen me as being mean and controlling.
2. Instead of getting into a power struggle with him about telling me "no," I side stepped the struggle and said that it must have been because his ears weren't working. (Purposefully misunderstanding the child's motives for his misbehavior can be a positive parenting tool).
3. I had him practice the desired behavior over and over again. If you can get your kid to practice doing or saying what you would like him to do or say on his own, he is much more likely to do it or say it when you give him the verbal signal.
After the whole process was over, my nephew started to jump onto the couch. I looked at him and said it was not okay to jump onto the couch. He did it again so I said, "I guess your ears aren't working again." He then immediately stopped jumping and responded, "No, my ears are working." We then both smiled and moved on with our day.
Good luck helping your kids practice.
Shiloh Lundahl, LMSW
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