My Adopted Child Is So Frustrating. What Should I Do? -from Crystal Lake, Huntley, And Mchenry, Il
I am frustrated with my adopted kid and I feel terrible for feeling that way
. I am so glad when I am not at home because then my spouse has to take care of him.Our adopted child is coming between my spouse and I and I am fearful that this situation might actually cause the dissolution of our marriage. Have you ever thought those kinds of things?
I bet you have and, believe it or not, you are not alone. Keep reading to discover the most effective way of dealing with this.
First, remember that it is not only OK to have these feelings, but normal. Let's be truthful.
Let's not pull any punches. The most effective way to cope with this is to be forthright and straightforward.
So say it to yourself, so you can hear and totally accept it - "I do not like my adopted children." Second, let's be right-on honest. You may never love your adopted child exactly as you do your own.
That is certainly not to say you will not love them. You will, but, depending on the kinds of psychological problems you or your child may have, you may certainly find it difficult to have the very same bond.
Neither does this mean that you will only have frustration, agitation and conflict with your adopted kid. So, I hope you, at least, feel a bit relieved to know you are not crazy or a terrible person. That's an important start.
Third, it's time to have a heart-to-heart talk with your spouse, if you haven't already. This type of subject can be very sensitive and even intimidating.
But if feel that way, then have a really adult talk with yourself, visualize yourself doing it and, yes, do it anyway, with respect, genuineness and empathy. But what if he or she thinks I'm a terrible person?
If you are married to the right person, that won't happen! You must discuss this honestly with your spouse or it will just build up until things become irreversibly worse!
Next, exchange ideas. You must have enough mutual commitment and respect to talk about this, or, as mentioned previously, perhaps, you're married to the wrong person.
Sometimes we can be deceived by our very own behavior. Often an adoptive parent will subconsciously feel so much pity that their adopted child has had to go through so much, that they begin guilt-parenting.
The problem is that giving your adopted child what you think he needs to be happy too often eliminates your essential use of healthy boundaries and parental discipline. Your kid can quickly start to run your household.
After all, with parenting arising out of guilt, all activities revolve around your child. When that happens everyone is walking on eggshells, worried about upsetting someone.
With that parenting model, you as the adoptive parent become a threat to the parent-child system which sometimes requires tough-love. Being from a different point of view, your perspective then may place you directly in the line of fire of your spouse, who may see the need for discipline.
You may find your kid beginning to hit you with harsh blows that often come in the form of "attitude," be it emotional, verbal or even physical. And given that scenario, your spouse may even accuse you of being out of line, more than the child, for not applying proper amounts of tough love.
However, assuming that you are able to discuss this situation with your spouse, hopefully he or she will begin to understand your problem. You tell your spouse that your coping skills are deteriorating and that you are open to learn as much as you can to improve things.
Hopefully, you both agree to improve the situation and address the following issues:
Both of you commit to learning as much as possible about parenting adopted kids. This must be a commitment that both of you make in earnest.
Both of you must commit to read and search for practical answers and solutions. Look to your local library, adoption agencies and associations and the internet.
Implement any new program gradually, take it step-by-step; don't overwhelm your child or family, for that matter. To begin with, start with just one or two changes.
Family Council
Don't ambush your child; explain the process ahead of time. Having your family meeting might be the most convenient after dinner on a particular evening.
During the meeting it is best if both parents alternate in doing the talking and explaining the new direction for the child. Also, depending on the child's age, allow space for him to respond and be sure he can repeat back, in his own words, the new direction that you are laying out.
Importantly, during this process, continually reassure your child that you love him.
Self-Evaluate
Every several days or so, reflect on the process by engaging in a performance review of sorts, asking each other: "How do you think I am doing?" Be candid and forthright in your response. Discuss it and fix whatever the problem might be.
Tender Love PLUS Tough Love
Don't emphasize discipline and forget about the active expression and demonstration of love. Don't let your interaction with your child be dominated only by the processes of over- correction or oppressive discipline.
Build your relationship with your child with a combination of tender love AND tough love. Also, don't forget to do your due diligence as a parent and get your child any professional psychological help that may be necessary.
Kids adopted from under-developed, Third-World countries sometimes present with impaired bonding and defective socialization behaviors. This is not the child's fault but a result of the dysfunctional and inadequate rearing he received in his birth country.
Be aware of any mental health problems and get them treated immediately. Follow these steps and a successful adoptive family is, most likely, on the horizon for you and your spouse.
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