Give Your Child The Respect Of Assuming The Best!
Trying to parent a young child can seem like a never ending tirade of "Don't touch!" "Sit down!" or "Stop doing that!" Can you imagine what that must be like for a little kid
? Your child is expressing their natural curiosity, perhaps by playing with their food in a restaurant or at home, or wanting to play with water in the house, and almost immediately an adult puts a stop to it. "Don't play with your food!" "Don't play in the sink!" All the "don'ts" a child hears must be extremely frustrating, and that frustration can lead to acting out, back talk, and tantrums.As parents it is our job to teach our children social skills, manners, and how to behave. Maybe you feel like others will judge you if they see your child playing with their food when they are supposed to be eating. Whether they judge or not should not be a concern. Your child's development is far more important. So what do you do? Well, first stop, evaluate the situation and then ask "What are you doing?" Not in a warning tone, but as an inquiry. Perhaps your child wants to experiment with their food by mixing peas with mashed potatoes. This is harmless and there is no reason to stop it. On the other hand, throwing food on the floor is unacceptable. Still it is good to ask the child what they were thinking and then explain why throwing food on the floor or at other people is not ok. The tone you take with a child makes all the difference. Think about being a little kid, whose job it is to explore the world and learn everything they can, and then think about how absurd it is that as parents we constantly try to stop them from exploring if they're not doing it the way we think is proper! If a child is playing with their food at age three, that doesn't mean they will never learn to stop playing with their food. At six that same child will have a whole different focus and will not only be better equipped to listen and understand social manners, but will indeed be eager to learn because that is what children do! The screaming, out of control child, is an angry and frustrated child.
So you can lessen the frustration and still teach and support your child by beginning to ask questions. Don't immediately assume that your child must be stopped if they are dipping broccoli in milk. Ask them what they are doing. They may be playing an inventive game. They might just want to experiment with the taste. If your child sees that you are interested and put importance on whatever their reasons are, imagine how that will make them feel! Everyone, whether they are growing or grown, wants to be accepted, validated and not criticized. Give your child the respect of assuming the best, and allow them to explore and experiment within the boundaries of safety and common sense. Social manners are best taught by modeling, and parents should guide, not dominate or threaten their child into compliance.
Always try to empathize with your child, especially when they have done something to upset you. Step back, take a deep breath and evaluate the situation instead of just reacting. You might begin to feel differently if you see things from their point of view. Perhaps they won't talk to you, perhaps there is fear of being punished. Have patience, and above all let your child know you are on their side. You are not there to punish and control, but rather guide and help. When your child trusts you not to yell and punish them for mistakes they make or the way they act, they will be much more likely to tell you the truth, respond to your questions and cooperate. You are creating a trusting relationship that will guide you both through later childhood and the teenage years.
Authoritarian punishment may work in the short term but may very well backfire. A child who is not allowed to make choices and learn from their own mistakes can be socially withdrawn and will rarely take the initiative. They may look to others for direction because they have been taught that their own decisions are inappropriate. A child who is harshly punished is fearful and that fear can and will inhibit spontaneity and curiosity. Sadly it may also be the root of many rebellious behaviors that often surface in adolescence. Parent with care!
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