Evaluate Your Way To Positive Discipline For Children
If your child does something you don't approve off and misbehaves
. Whatever you do don't react immediately. Instead take a moment to "evaluate" the situation. To do this is the start of positive discipline for children.That's because if you react too quickly, you'll fail to see the reason for children's behavioral problems. However if you uncover the cause behind the bad behavior - you will be able to solve the problem so that don't missive for the same reason in the future.
After all you are reminded often that children are too young orsimply don't have enough information to understand certain concepts. This is why they go through a "why" stage - when all they ask you is "why this" and "why that"...
Remember, we are responsible as parents to provide them with the informationthey need so that they don't make simple mistakes that cause unnecessary stress. As you already are aware, parenting is demanding enough already we really don't need a child who is problematic and unduly defiant.
This is an example of "evaluating": if your one year old pours milk on the floor and you "punish" him. You might snap, shout or get upset then you'll inevitably end up with an upset child. You can see, that it is silly to punish a one year old for pouring milk on the floor when he/she can't yetunderstand the concept of gravity.
The fact is that babies, toddlers and children - are almost always simplyresponding to their natural human instinct to explore and define the world. This is a trait of humans in general... which is why almost every human grows up with hobbies or interests... even if it's TV - what keeps our attention is a curiosity and a drive to learn things.
So what happens when a young child who is exploring the world has their curiosity punished? Well they begin to think and feel like the world is unsafe. When a child no longer trusts their world as being a safe place to explore, play and lear, the child will become less confident and more fearful.
Also, when a child is punished without understanding why, they willtense up because there is a loss of connection and security with their parent, this tension creates stress and impacts on the child's ability to think clearly and lovingly.
SO HOW DOES IT WORK?
We recommend best way to "Evaluate" as an alternative to punishment is the child the benefit of doubt. This means when your child does something that upsets you, assume first that your child has done nothing wrong - but instead evaluate these two points: 1. How you could have prevented this situation? 2. What is the information that your child might be lacking or might need?
In the case of the one year old pouring milk on the floor you might look at the situation like this: "My child is young and it looks to me like she's doing an experiment, she's clearly not out to upset me."
As any parent will tell you, a children will often explore in ways that are stressful to parents. Yet, children usually never have ill intent towards us, unless they feel wrongfully punished for exploring.
Children need to be taught that it's safe to explore - and that theyare not wrong, nor bad, for exploring - even when mistakes are made as they go. After all they're just enjoying themselves, which is what children do.
Therefore, in a situation like the one above, it's critical to take a stepback and assess the situation from a clear perspective. The reason is that if we react on emotion, we will often regret our actions including what we said and might do. This reaction is based on assumption vs. the reality of the situation. We assume our child is trying to make us upset, instead of looking at it from their perspective.
After all, your child simply wants your love and approval. And the currency of love and approval is attention. Which means they will sometimes do things that trigger you in order to get your attention.
A clear evaluative stance can give you a better understanding of what'sreally going on and give you some time to *think* before you react.
Be mindful, small children DO NOT have a lot of information. They are brand new and just starting out in the world. It's your job as the loving parent to provide them withthe information they need, appropriate to their age level.
Going back to the spilt milk scenario, to try and explain how gravity works is useless. Of course they won't understand whatyou're talking about, and they are so young they can't follow outinstruction based on the explanation.
A preferred choice might be for them to play witha bowl filled with water in the bathtub or sink, out of the way of mess.
This takes us back to prevention which is the first effective alternative to Punishment that has been talked about in other articles. If you're inspired, you can provide your young one with simple information from the start. If the baby pours milk on the floor you can say something like: "Oh, it looks like that's interesting for you. How about I set this up in the sink, as I don't want to clean up the mess of spilled milk." Then you can give your child a nice bath with a plastic cup for them to play with dumping water out in the tub, instead of making a mess that just gives you more work to do.
To summarize, if you're tempted to punish your child (which I would not recommend under any circumstance) first evaluate the situation. Second be empathetic, put yourself in your child's shoes and do your best to see that your expectations are age appropriate.
Thirdly, remember that everything is new to your little one. They are so small and young, even though at times it feels like they are manipulative know-it-all's. Please, make a clear evaluation before deciding on your next course of action.
Here's an exercise you might like to try: the next time your child does something that upsets you, stop and don't do anything at all. Don't say anything. Don't move. Just be there for a moment and evaluate. Ask yourself if you really think your child is trying to hurt or upset you.From a place of clarity you can then make the conscious decision to not punish.
Practice this as much as you can, evaluating and not punishing but instead empathizing.Just by using this first alternative to punishment you'll be off to a good start in positive discipline for children.
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