Divorce: Fair Treatment May Keep Your Grandchildren In Your Life
It is well known that divorce is hard. The couple can feel anger, sadness, disappointment, and even embarrassment. This is so true that it is a cliche.
What we don't discuss often, and maybe we should, is the effect that divorce has on extended family. The pain caused by the divorce to grandparents, aunts and uncles is not obvious. It isn't as intense as it is for the principle parties, either. However, extended family members can be treated to some of the couple's problems when family events turn into child possession wars.
When special occasions arise, arrangements for the child's attendance often have to be made with an uncooperative, hostile ex-spouse. Too often, the children cannot join the family because:
1. The non-custodial parent's visitation is scheduled for the same time as the family event. If you don't see your kids more than a couple of times a month, the time you do have with them is doubly precious. If the custodial parent has a habit of interfering with your time by making other plans with the child, or is less than generous with the child's time when you request it, you may not feel like making any concessions.
2. Any good will the other parent had towards the family has been used up. It is easier to find it in one's heart to be generous to someone who has stayed neutral during the divorce. If Grandma maintains a cordial attitude towards the ex-spouse, she will be much more likely to cooperate with grandma's requests for the child's time. If, however, Grandma made it clear that she blames everything that went wrong on the ex-spouse, and treats him accordingly, it is less likely that the ex-spouse will be inclined to go out of his way to honor a special request from gramma.
The attitude that "I'm in charge", that often leads to making the extended family jump through hoops to have a relationship with the child can cause extensive damage, not only to the child's relationships while she is growing up, but can also alienate the child from her extended family when she is older and able to make her own attachments.
I have made wills for people who exclude children of ex-spouses because they never got to know and bond with the child. The child grows up thinking her extended family doesn't care, and the extended family learns not to have the child in their lives. Sadly, the normal bonds are severed, not by any desire or action on the child's part, but because the adults in charge of his rearing were too short sighted to recognize that their fights weren't necessarily his.
There are things relatives can do to keep the child active in the family. For one thing, staying out of the divorce will help. Unless the child is in danger, there is little you can say that can help the judge decide child custody. Since you are related to one of the parties, your statements are more likely to seem tainted and colored by your love for the spouse who is related. If you have to testify because you were subpoenaed, don't demonize the other parent. The judge won't care that you dislike your soon to be ex-in-law, but the ex will, and is more likely to influence the child against you if you have been unkind or hostile on the stand.
Don't complain about a child's absent parent when you have contact with him. Even if you vent your spleen to another adult, your unfavorable comments are likely to get back to the other parent. Since she is only human, she is likely to decide that the child is better off not to be exposed to your negative opinions in the future, and may try hard to keep you from being a part of the child's life as much as possible.
With few exceptions, extended family members do not have any legal rights to have contact with a child. Their contact with a grandchild, niece or nephew is totally dependent on their good relationship with the child's parents. The noncustodial parent will have court ordered visitation, but the times the court gives may not fall on the same day as important family events are scheduled. In short, the person you condemn on the witness stand may be the same person who will decide if the kids will be allowed to attend a family reunion, wedding or funeral. The best way to encourage cooperation in this regard is to keep the doors of friendship open, and not to say anything about the ex that you could later regret.
Copyright (c) 2010 Lucille Uttermohlen
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