Children Want Boundaries - What A Child Wants
Children act out in rebellion and tantrums because there is something they want from you as a parent
. They are begging you to provide this and we are not talking about toys, clothes, and other kinds of stuff. The problem is children do not know how to verbalize this one thing they so desperately want. As a result, when they do not have it, they are filled with anxiety, insecurity, and rebellion.A study was once performed of school age children antics on the playground. When the recess bell sounded they flooded the playground. They lined the fences and laughed and played. Then the fences that lined the playground were removed. The change was remarkable. The next morning the children huddled to the middle of the playground. They were anxious and insecure. They did not roam and play as normal. Then, the fences were put back in place. Do you want to guess what happened? The next day they were all over the playground again, happy and secure.
The study reinforced the need for boundaries. Children want boundaries. Children are begging for boundaries. They do not want a world without limits. When they are about to step over a line, they want you to stop them. When they are pushing for too much, they expect you as a parent to step up. They do not want your friendship more than they want your direction. Why do parents miss this? Because of the way children verbalize it.
Your child wants to know the fence line. They want to know where the "do not trespass" signs are located. How do they ask? By pushing the limits until you say stop. They will go as far as you will let them - expecting that in fact there is a limit. Here is the problem, parents too often see it as rebellion rather than an act for clarification. Your child will scream, fuss, threaten, and cry when they see the fence line. They will tell you every thing they think of to shock you. But deep down inside, almost unexplainable, they are begging you not to give in - to take your stand and stick to it.
Why do children want boundaries? Remember the playground story above? Boundaries give freedom. When the fences were up they knew where they could go, and that meant they were free within those limits. When the fences were removed they lost their freedom. Do you see that? They were wanderers. They no longer had freedom. I know it sounds just the opposite, but this an incredible truth that will help you create secure children.
3 things happens when there are no boundaries?
1. They will act out.
This is their attempt to find the limit - to find their freedom line. It is difficult for the parent when the child acts out. It might be loud or even threatening. There could be tears and maybe an academy award. You may be intimidated by this behavior.
2. They will withdraw.
There are those children who so badly need their limits, that without them they cannot venture out. The will become a recluse. You will see them glued to their bedrooms.
3. They will feel unloved.
All this time parents thought that if they gave in to their children they would feel loved. Then you have a confused parent wondering how this child could act the way they do when they have received all of this love. Only to discover that this was never received as love, but rather a lack of love.
So let's conclude for now with a strong word to parents. Parent, take a deep breath, stand up straight and strong, and practice this word - NO! Your child wants you to say it. And then after you say it, they are praying inside that you stick to it. Remember, they way they show this is by yelling all kinds of crazy things and making threats. But when you stand your ground and do not give in to their tantrums, they will begin to sense that you do love them enough to stick to your word and a feeling of security will begin to overwhelm them.
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