Child Abuse: A Male Victims Story
One of my favorite feel goodmovies is "Lucas"
, starring the late Corey Haim. In the movie, set in early 80's high school, the young Lucas falls for a high school varsity cheerleader and despite his scrawny frame, his wit and humor quickly wins her over as a very close friend. Embarrassed that his father is a simple gardener and,that his home isin a trailer court, Lucas convinces the beautiful "Maggie" that his home is actuallya home his father is employed by. Over the summer the young Lucas falls in love with the older Maggie and chooses to join the high school football team. This comes after Lucasdiscovers Maggie has fallen for one of the stars on the varsity football team played by Charlie Sheen. Maggie's relationship with "Cappie", Lucas's best friend and older brother figure, becomes heartbreak for the young soul. However, he is determined to prove himself on the field and wins over his entire school.I look back on my seventh grade year at Southmont High School in New Market, IN and cannot help but to make a few small comparisons with the movie "Lucas". Like Lucas, I was a clutsy wise-cracking underclassman with an incredible crush on an older varsity cheerleader. Marj Feltner was my Maggie in those days. Anextremely beautiful juniorwho I regularly sat next to on the school bus. Like Lucas, I too was ashamed of my parents and always tried to avoid any questions regarding such.Over the years I've often connected with similar feel good movies, as well as television shows. They were an escape from the almost daily trauma being dealt to my sisters and I by our then stepfather. Both physical and sexual abuse had become a daily routine in our home.Yet, it was shows like "The Partridge Family" and "The Brady Bunch" that, despite the unrealistic honey sweet way family life was portrayed, I knew our home was not normal and talking about my home was something I most certainly did not want to share with Marj.
In 1993 I was to give a speech on the topic of child abuse that was published into a brochure. The speech was to be given at both a junior and senior high school crowd in Crawfordsville, IN, my birth place and hometown. The purpose of the speech was to raise further awareness of the damaging emotional affects sexual abuse has on a child. In this speech, I wanted the audience to understand that malesexual child abuse is just as traumatic as it is for a female victim. Yet, the speech was never made. I would later learn that an official with the local family services was concerned I "may stray from the script" and possibly make their "program look bad" in front of social service leaders from all over Indiana, as well as the media that was scheduled to be present.
Below is the 1993 speech titled, "Sexual Child Abuse: A Male Victims Story". In preparing this speech, I reflected back ona 70's era Sunday morning radio show known as"The Power Line". I had remembered how the television show M.A.S.H. was used to offer a message of hope through atonement one Sunday morning. I found their message beneficial in helping me deliver a message that, unfortunately, was never heard until now.
Sexual Child Abuse: A Male Victims Story
How many of you have seen the telivision show "M.A.S.H"? How many of you had the opportunity to see airing of the two hour "Farewell to M.A.S.H." episode?
I've been a fan of M.A.S.H. for years. Out of that entire series I have to say the final farewell got to me the most. You know, there always seemed to be a message in each episode. And, for me, the farewell theme was loud and clear. The theme, I feel, dealt with loss.
In 1953, the Korean Was was winding up and, with it, the M*A*S*H 4077th was shutting down. The charaters all began realizing they must part and let their scars of war begin healing.
Most of the main characters are mentally wounded in some fashion. Charles Winchester tries to extract music from some prisoners. He dislikes them and their music until they are killed in transport from the camp. Their lost lives are Winchester's painful reminder of war.
Klinger, who has tried every imaginable way possible to get a discharge back to the states, falls in love with a Korean woman. She decides to find her dislocated parents. Klinger, who was so hot to go home, instead remains in Korea to help his new love find her family. Soft spoken Father Mulcahy, the chaplain priest who was a lousy preacher but a wonderful listener, loses his hearing from an explosion.
The greatest loss that really got to me was that of Hawkeye Pierce. He spent most of the final episode as a patient in a psyciatric hospital after he had tried to operate on a patient without first administering anesthesia. In consultation with a psychitrist, Hawkeye begins to understand the reason for his temporary insanity. This new awareness causes Hawkeye great pain and he begins to curse the doctor for making him remember the tragic incident that had driven him beyond the brink.
In the final M*A*S*H episode Hawkeye's injury was what the mental health community would term as a psychiatric blackout. In his madness, he recalls the incident uncovered through his therapy in this way. The unit is on a bus returning from a party. The bus is defenseless and the personnel fear being attacked by an enemy [atrol in the area. They decide to keep quiet to avoid being noticed.
All is quiet except for a chicken being held by a Korean woman on the bus. She can't seem to keep the chicken quiet, so Hawkeye gets up and demands the woman shut the chicken up. All is now quiet and Hawkeye soon realizes the chicken is dead. Hawkeye then remembers that it wasn't a chicken but rather a baby who has been killed, smothered by its pwm mother in order to obey Hawkeye's authority and to save the other lives on the bus.
Hawkeye the surgeon, the man who refused to touch a gun, was always known as "the good guy". Now he's considered the "Bad guy" who caused a mother to kill her own child. This is where the story really got to me.
Looking back, one might try to argue for Hawkeye. If the baby had continued to cry, all the people on the bus might have been killed. For the safety of all, the baby was sacrificed. Was it right or wrong? Which would be the greater tragedy, to lose the baby or to endanger the lives of all on the bus?
Hawkeye finally deals with the trauma by repentance. He faces up to what happened and his own part in it. On returning to the 4077th from the hospital, he finds the camp under enemy fire. At the risk of his own life, he drives an abandoned tank from the area to divert fire from the M*A*SH unit. Now, I don't know if Hawkeye would label his couorageous act an act of repentance, but it it did help him heal his mental scars so that he could return home with a new perspective.
It takes courage to tell the truth, especially when someone else will be hurt or get into trouble. It takes courage to be honest with a friend and have the strength to say no when you want to say yes. As children we often see ourselves as helpless to the environment around us. The peer pressure, the pressure of living up to the expectations that everyone places on us.. This combined with the confusion many of us go through as our bodies change from a child to an adult can at times be overwhelming.
It takes a special kind of person to help a young adult go through this period in their life. Unfortunately, there are those who take advantage of children and create ever greater stresses in your lives.
At age 14 I became a victim of sexual child abuse while trying to keep my stepfather from my two younger sisters who he he had been molesting over the previous two years. Sam was my mother's third husband. She was well aware that he had a criminal record as a sex offender when she married him. Despite this, and his awareness that he had already pursued my ten year old sister, she married him anyway.
Living in Linnsburg, IN, just a few miles from here, my mother worked at the Green Street Bar. Two or three times a week, after Mom left for work, Sam would have me walk to the store in Mace. While I was gone he would bring my sisters into his room. At this time I a was wee bit on the small side weighing in at less than a 100 pouns. However, learning what Sam was doing began to take its toll on me, not to say what it must have been doing to my two younger sisters. One day I decided to stand up to him by refusing to go to the store.
What followed changed my life forever. Sam punched me in the face with his fist. I then remember being picked up by my ears and my head repeatedly being struck against the wall. He kicked me, and then, simply walked away.
As if nothing had happened, Sam demanded that I get him a glass of tea from the refrigerator. I obeyed, taking the tea to him in his bedroom. What happened next was something I would have never expected. Sam grabbed me, told me he was going to give me what I really wanted. For over twenty minutes he sodomized me, and, despite my screams, no one came to help.
Soon after my rape at age 14, my sisters and I were moved into separate foster homes. I assume at some point my sisters told a neighbor of their attacks by Sam which lead to the county welfare stepping in. Soon after this move, my sisters were placed into counseling to help them deal with the sexual confusion they felt as a result of their abuse. However, this was never provided to me. In those days, the idea of sexual child abuse against a boy was too taboo to speak about. I was never asked if Sam had abused me, and, I was certainly not going to volunteer to talk. I wanted to forget it ever happened and I made my sisters promise me they would never tell anyone.
I would discover years later that no matter how hard we try, we never bury this kind of trauma dead. It remains in our memories and affects all that we are or will become. This, along with other unresolved matters from home, affected my ability to relate with other people normally. Many saw me as different, weird, and some teachers came to dislike the kind of person I was. I began stealing, kids picked on me and seldom did I ever stand up for myself. I hated who I was.
I hated what had happened and blamed myself. I felt others would either not believe me or think I was some kind of queer. At times I would do things to hurt myself. Going as far to even cut my own arms with razors. The idea of suicide became a daily consideration.
I let my trauma take over my life and as a result of my decision to not seek the help I needed through a teacher, a neighbor, a police officer, or anyone who may be willing to listen, I lost my childhood. I let my pain continue to grow and as age nineteen suffered a complete nervous breakdown. I cracked.
I have many regrets I must live with. But, I was given a second chance. If not for some very special people seeing through my walls, understanding my problems and reaching out to give me that second chance, I can honestly say I would not be here today. I would have never confronted my past and be able to experience life with the new perspective I now have.
Each of you are surrounded by those who can help provide you greater direction and hope. Unfortunately, our world also consist of those who may have other things in mind. By no means do I wish to scare any of you away from people by telling you my past. Rather, it is my hope that my message may help open each of your eyes to two very special facts. The first is, if you are now, or have ever been a victim, please realize that it is not your fault and seek out those who may help you better understand and deal with your painful nightmare. The second is,we are here for each other. To learn, love, and grow. Each of us have the responsibility to becomethe very best person that we can possibly be so that we can have that much more to share with those around us. Like an artist who strives to perfect his craft, so to must we practice the skill of living and loving life to its fullest. No matter what has accured in your past, your future has yet to be written and only you can write that chapter. I have so many regrets. So many things in my life I wish I could change. The easy route would be to let my past destroy my future and, for awhile, I took that easy route. However, I eventually turned to someone else, I took a chance with people again, I re-opened myself up to life, dealt with my past, and chose to make a better tomorrow. It is never to late to try again.
In closing, I would like to leave you with this final piece I once read in my Church newsletter. "God gave you life. His gift to you. What you now do with that life is your gift to him." Thank you!
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Looking back so many years ago, I should have shared my experience with Marj Feltner or anyone else that was willing to listen. Instead, as was shared in my speech, I held it back and tried to bury those traumatic memories. Days after Sam raped meand, the tremendous beating he gave me, Marj noticed I had changed. Though she tried to get me to tell her what was wrong, all I said was that I was going to commit suicide. And, an attempt was made that night. I slept for hours after taking two bottles of pills. When I awoke, Sam and another forced me to tell them what was wrong and eventually I told them I wanted to die and had taken all those pills.
I hold no ill feelings for Marj. But I know our relationship changed the following day and from that day forward. I lost a friend and with the choices I made in the years that followed through foster homes, an orphange in Ladoga, IN and a nervous breakdown in 1977, so very much more was also lost.
Child Abuse: A Male Victims Story
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