Are There "rules" Concerning The Funeral Of A Member Of Your Step Family?

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Sometimes, stepfamily members do have debilitating situations to decide on

. They may even be torn in deciding between attending a funeral of a blended family member or gracing another important matter.

Here is a question that was recently proposed to a blended family expert:

My spouse is a member of a stepfamily and his step mom recently passed away. His relationship with her and the rest of his blended family was cordial, yet not a bonded, close relationship. He generally saw them only during major holiday gatherings. He has a planned trip upcoming, and it happens to coincide with the funeral. Therefore, he will not be able to attend. He is beating himself up over the fact that he can't go.

He has delayed telling the children in his step family because of how badly he feels, even though it has been implied by them that he is not expected to attend. Have you experienced this situation in the past? Are there certain "rules" that govern this type of thing? How serious of a faux pas is it for step kids to miss the funeral of a step mom or step dad? Any thoughts or advice you could offer on this blended family dilemma would be greatly appreciated.

The blended family expert's response:

This is a difficult question to answer. When someone enters into remarriage and the blended family is created, they try as hard as they can to mold the children into a fresh unit. However, when the children are a bit older, it adds an extra layer of difficulty, and this blending may be limited to major holiday get-togethers. So, it's a tough set of questions to answer. After all, a stepfamily is your family as well. Your husband's concerns and guilt are perfectly understandable.

However, if he has previous plans that can't be altered or he just can't make the trip; that is alright. Even if he does not attend, it is still a good idea to make sure the rest of his step family knows how sorry he is for the loss. He should also send a card or flowers. The other members of his blended family may completely understand his not being able to attend, and they be comforted by his condolences and flowers. A blended family that you aren't that close to is tough to figure out some times.

How they will feel can often depend on the type of relationship your husband has had with them. It will also depend somewhat on the relationship he enjoyed with the person who is deceased. Attending a funeral is not just to honor the person who has passed on; it is a way to support those who have been left behind. If we have a close relationship with the members of our step family, then you absolutely should attend. If that isn't the case, then condolences and flowers will suffice. There are even times when we can't attend the funeral of a close blood relative, and as long as there is a valid reason, it is understood. This could be because of illness or military service.

My best advice for how to handle his blended family in this situation is to be completely honest as quickly as possible. Have your husband explain that while his heart is there with them, he simply cannot attend, and he regrets that. This should be followed up with a few phone calls after a couple weeks, and perhaps an in-person visit a month down the road. All you can really do as his wife is support whatever decision he makes and try to not make him feel guilty about it either way.

by: Shirley Cress Dudley

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