Anxiety Attacks and an Unhappy Childhood
My anxiety counselor suggested that my anxiety attacks were due to my past
. Sometimes panic sufferers lived with abusive parents, she said. I didn't live with abusive parents, but this is because I didn't live with my parents, I lived outside the main family unit, with my grandparents. I believe to this day this is because my parents did not want me they already had two sons and I was an unwelcome arrival.When I think about the days living with my grandparents, I think it was a happy childhood - their kindness taught me how to be a responsible person who should be honest, kind hearted, independent and loyal.
However, I suffer a panic attack every time I think about how my parents treated me during my childhood and my unhappiness from them abandoning me and their unfair treatment.
I knew that my efforts to satisfy my parents would never facilitate any compliment; instead I received various kinds of criticism. Even when I got awards for excellence from my grandparents, teachers and others, I felt my parents would discourage me to enjoy the encouragement.
They put so much pressure on me during my childhood to be as excellent as I could but at the same time I was discouraged to give up some interests I had, such as drawing. I never drew any picture since my father would get so angry with me and tear up all the pictures I drew. When I pasted my drawings on the wall in my bedroom, he thought my pictures ruined his wall.
Their deep dislike of me did not stop them having high expectations of me, and they never stopped comparing me with my brothers who were at least three years older than me, and other children of the same age.
It seemed that compared to other children, everything I did was not up to scratch. Constant criticism got me anxious to try my best to change their mind. It was not till much later when the damage was done I realized all my efforts were in vain as it's impossible to change another person's prejudice.
Sometimes I think I am lucky to survive with only a mild panic disorder from a childhood which was so full of anxiety. Talking about the root of my panic disorder is helping me understand why I am the way I am, and I hope one day I will be able to overcome my affliction and lead a normal life.
Anxiety Attacks and an Unhappy Childhood
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