Why We Don't Teach Children to Forgive
Why We Don't Teach Children to Forgive
As a parent I have had the experience many times of teaching my son to apologize. Children often do hurtful things to each other and teaching them to apologize is one of the most common and basic responsibilities as a parent.
I for one find it instinctive to teach my son to apologize, but I have noticed that I do not have this same instinctive desire to teach him to forgive. Why is it that when my son hurts another Childs feelings or body for that matter, I immediately explain to him why what he did was wrong and ask him to apologize to the child he offended. Yet at the same time, when another child does something to offend my son I make sure that he is made to apologize and that my son is ok. It does not occur to me, and certainly not on an instinctive level, to ask my son to forgive. Is this a flaw I have as a parent? Why does it make sense to teach to apologize and not to forgive?
After spending a lot of time trying to understand this phenomenon I had some insight. I contrasted this concept with adult behavior and I think I have a better understanding of the situation now.
When an adult steals your wallet there are two reasons for being upset. Firstly, your wallet is missing and that is no fun, and secondly, you are upset at the person who stole your wallet. Why are you upset at the person who stole your wallet? Because he made a conscious choice to steal and because he made this choice you have full rite to be angered. So most of the reason why you are upset is because a person took it from you. If you had lost the wallet you would be upset but not at a specific person.
This applies to adults but in the case of children the situation is fundamentally different for the following reasons. When my son takes a ball from another child the child is upset no because someone took his ball, he is upset because he no longer has the ball. The fact that it was taken from him is completely expected, he would do it himself if he could and he is overprotective of whatever he has because knowing that he would take what he wants if he could he expects everyone to act on the same principal.
So when my son does something wrong I instinctively want to show him the consequences of his actions so that he becomes aware of his responsibilities to other people, but when someone does something wrong to him I don't rush to make him say "I forgive you" because he was never upset at the other kid to begin with, as long as he has his ball back he is fine he was upset that the ball was gone not that someone took it. Children do not bare grudges they operate on instinct and assume everyone else does and there is no culpability for a creature that does not have consciousness.
Don't get me wrong, I don't want to raise a vicious little mannequin so of course I teach my son to forgive so that he is accustomed to forgive when he does become older and more responsible, I just wanted to point out that the lack of an instinctive desire to teach forgiveness is not a defect on the part of the parent. Watch The Secret Life of the American Teenager Season 3 Episode 15 by JP Overweight Teenage Girls Need the Help of Simple Slimming Tips Best practice promoted in childcare voucher industry Teen Mom 2 Season 1 Episode 12 Judgement Day Stressful Life Events and Parent-Child Relationship Online Jobs For Teenagers Recognizing Shock in Infants and Children: PALS Certification Can Help Activity Tables for Kids Magnetic Toys for Kids Wooden Toys for Kids Childrens Wood Toys Do Pitbulls Get Along With Kids? Classic Wooden Toys From Canada - Your Children Will Enjoy Playing With Them