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is it possible to grunt and philosophize at the same time
?The cinematic eruption called The Expendables occasionally suggests that it is, especially when Sylvester Stallone and his manly lads are wrestling with that most dastardly of threats: the allure of women.
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Jason Statham can't get his gal to accept his knife-throwing and despot-dicing ways, and he frets about her failure to commit. Mickey Rourke, an ace tattoo artist, talks about saving female souls and rhapsodizes that he wants to die "not for a woman but next to one."
Sly, meanwhile, is prepared to get himself and his mates blowed up real good for the spurious love of the beautiful and politically complicated Sandra (Latin hottie Giselle Iti), who at 27, undoubtedly thinks he's too old for her.
Which he is, of course. With the exception of Statham, a relative teenager at 37, the 64-year-old Stallone and his testosterone tag-alongs are closer to filling out their pension documents than going for their first confirmed kill.
Not that this makes any difference to The Expendables, which acts as if Father Time was whacked sometime in the 1980s, when most of these guys were in their heyday. But did it have to be this way?
After going to the trouble of rounding up Statham, Rourke, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Bruce Willis, Randy Couture, Steve Austin, Terry Crews and even Arnold Schwarzenegger for a gangs-all-here action picture (Jean-Claude Van Damme and Steven Segal begged off), Stallone neglected to give them anything of consequence to do, except to keep their stunt men and pyro guys busy.
Stallone could have actually made some hay with these hard nuts, seeing as how he's the film's director, co-writer (with Doom's Dave Callaham), lead star and possibly also the parking lot attendant.
He shows us enough to make these no-necks interesting. They have comical names like Barney (Stallone), Tool (Rourke), Yin Yang (Li), Hale Caesar (Crews) and Toll Road (Couture). They wear reading glasses (and actually read), they argue like magpies and they're not afraid to admit defeat ("I got my ass kicked," Stallone says at one point).
The Expendables might have been a movie about old warriors not going gently into that good night, something along the comic lines of Space Cowboys.
Instead, it yawningly snaps into place as yet another series of explosions that are dressed up with no place to blow. Things really get dull during the vast stretches of the film when everybody just sits around insulting each other.
And come to think of it, what is it with all the group hugs for manly men this summer? Along with The Losers, The A-Team and the upcoming Red, The Expendables continues a trend where no dude can beat another dude unless he has his entire Facebook posse along with him to crack jokes with and help him reload. Whatever happened to the lone wolf, doing God's work in the Devil's playground?
What plot there is in The Expendables sets Stallone and his boys initiating violent regime change against a South American dictator named Gen. Garza (David Zayas) and his appalling ex-CIA overlord James Munroe (Eric Roberts). Been there, blown that up.
There's absolutely nothing at stake here, except for Stallone possibly getting some good lovin' from the rapturous Sandra, who looks like she'd rather get tossed to the piranha fish than date an unshaven brute older than her dad.
Way to make a guy feel expendable, Sandra!
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