The difficult parent legacy
The difficult parent legacy
If you had a difficult parent as a child, you may have learned a lot of reactive behaviours that are still firmly entrenched in your subconscious mind.
As the child of an extremely erratic parent, growing up in a very conservative culture, I was desperate to make all appear normal to the outside world. Divorce was illegal, but my parents were separated. This alone was a stigma. I didn't tell my friends that my parents were separated for years, in my mind I covered' for them. I was ashamed of the situation personally due to the social conventions, but in the main it was because I feared them being judged for it.
Over the years my mothers behaviour deteriorated. She was always difficult and unpredictable, but her behaviour escalated. Everyone was the enemy, everyone else was somehow out of step with her, or out to get her. The house became an out of control mess, if I or anyone else tried to do something about it she would rage that it wasn't being done properly and that she wanted to do it herself, of course she never did. I could never invite friends home.
As a child I would live in fear of her next unexpected twist in behaviour, she could go from incredible generosity to rage, destruction and accusation with no apparent trigger. It was an extremely stressful environment to say the least. To the outside world though I did my best to present a normal face. I made excuses about not being able to invite friends home. When I was late for school because my mother had kept me up until 3am the night before, I simply allowed people to think that I was just lazy and laid back and didn't really care. At one point in my childhood I lived in a house where all the doors were locked, except for the kitchen, bathroom and my bedroom. My mother decided that I shouldn't be allowed access to other rooms when she wasn't there. There were numerous struggles with her throughout my childhood and indeed continuing in to my adulthood, which I don't need to list in detail at this time. The point is,that whenever my mother did something, instead of defending myself from it, or getting help, my habit became to defend her, to cover up for her, to pretend she was just like the other mums. My feelings of hurt were completely swallowed.
In examining my adult relationships, I realise that this habit has continued and has had two major effects:
1. It's caused me to be attracted to people that have similar behaviour to my mother in terms of selfishness and lack of empathy to others, simply because it was familiar and in a perverted way therefore safe. I stress it doesn't mean that their personalities were similar, (if only it were that easy to spot) it's the underlying behaviour.
2. It's been the tool I've used to enable those people to become entrenched in my life and to almost encourage/train them to behave that way towards me.
When people I've cared for have let me down, or been selfish towards me , while I may initially react with anger (which is often the reaction of someone that stifles there emotions ie hurt morphs to anger), my tendency has been to cover for them, or take responsibility for their actions or for making up for their lack of action.
I had no ability to simply tell people when they hurt me. I would let things pass, allowing them to believe that I was ok about things that actually at times hurt me quite deeply. I would never let anyone from the outside world see if they had let me down. I had a completely distorted interpretation of loyalty. I would defend their public reputation for them. I carried on the behaviours I learnt in my childhood.
I became so out of touch with my own true emotions about things that I often didn't even recognise that I was hurt, things would accumulate and I would become angry and frustrated, but it was just a build up of pain.
Even when I separated from my partner, just as I had covered for my parents separation, I spent months covering up for him. Not telling my family, or a lot of my friends. I was afraid of their judgments of him, I guess in part afraid that if we ever reconciled in some way that their judgments would remain, the Genie would be out of the bottle so to speak. I felt humiliated by his behaviour, I felt responsible for it. My confused sense of loyalty in overdrive protecting his reputation, often at the expense of my own. My years of covering for him also contributed to the immense disappointment experienced by our friends. They were shocked to discover that the person they thought they knew him to be, was largely my construct.
The twisted sense of responsibility I picked up as a child, feeling responsible for my mothers public image, and indeed our families public image as a whole, the lack of boundaries carried with me into my adult relationships.
Recognising it has been quite liberating. I've really come to understand how difficult I find it to tell people how I truly feel about their actions. I understand that I fear their rejection or condemnation when I tell them the truth. I understand how I seem to favour allowing them to hurt me over confronting them about what they are doing and potentially upsetting them. It's a trait born of insecurity and uncertainty. It's a terrifying fear to face. I know now however that facing it is the only possible way I can ever have a fulfilling and happy relationship.
Now I know just how damaging it is to be with someone that dismisses my feelings and tells me that I'm ok when I'm really not. I know how damaging it is to pretend that I'm ok about something when in fact it's hurting me.
This may seem so obvious to an emotionally healthy person, but when your subconscious has been taught otherwise, it takes a lot of practice and hard work to unlearn' bad habits. I now understand that expressing my feelings does not make me vulnerable it makes me stronger. Putting it in to action is still incredibly difficult, but I'm trying to every day
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