Talking With Your Children Not At Them
Talking With Your Children Not At Them
While we all agree that being able to talk with our children is very important, I find that poor communication or no communication is the way of life for many families. Now, yelling, nagging, criticizing, ordering, lecturing, etc. don't count. Neither do what I call the 5 B's: badgering, belittling, butting in, big words and bullying. Those are ways we talk at our children, not with our children. And it's the talking with that constitutes true communication.
The way I see it, the problem with communication is a lack of listening--reacting rather than responding. Most parents tend to react to what their children say, rather than respond.
What's the difference? When talking with your children and you react, you reflect your own experiences and feelings onto what you have just heard. When you respond, you get in touch with the thoughts and feelings of what your children tell you. When your children are trying to tell you something, it is crucial that you respond and not react. When you react, you lose the opportunity to communicate. Because, when you react, you tend to talk; when you talk, it's hard to listen.
Reacting--particularly overreacting--will shut down communication faster than anything. This doesn't mean that you shouldn't react at all. There are times we certainly need to voice anger, frustration, concern, etc. However, the way we express it can make all the difference. These kind of responses need to be related calmly enough that your child will listen and not feel degraded. If a child fears overreaction or reprisals, then he may keep his thoughts, feelings and problems to himself.
Here are some reaction traps Dr. Thomas Gordon suggests we try to avoid:
Judging--"That wasn't nice."
Ordering--"You need to..."
Warning--"You better..."
Preaching--"You should..."
Arguing--"Do you realize..."
Advising--"Why don't you..."
Analyzing--"The problem with you is..."
Interrogating--"Why didn't you..."
Avoiding--"Let's not worry about that."
Teasing--"Why don't you just quit school?"
Comparing--"Why can't you be like your sister?"
Down-playing--"It's not so bad."
All of these reactions instill guilt, feelings of inadequacy and resentment. They tend to deprecate children and invalidate their feelings or efforts to resolve their problems. And you can see how any of these reactions when talking with your children will be interpreted as indications that they can't talk to you without reprisals of some sort. Communication shuts down...case closed.
Right about now, you may be feeling, "Guilty as charged!" However, these examples are not meant to evoke guilt, only awareness. Awareness is the first step toward change.
We all react to our child in a variety of ways for a variety of reasons. It is important to take a look at which traps you may fall into so that you can begin to respond instead of react. When you react, you lose the opportunity to communicate. When you react, you tend to talk; when you talk, it's hard to listen. When talking with your children--Think dialogue, not monologue. Watch Teen Mom 2 Season 1 Episode 9 At Full Length Video Best Hair Removal Procedures For Men And Male Teenagers Four Principles For Getting Exercise When You Have Young Children To Take Care Of Anxiety Free Children Comes Through For Both Children and Parents Help for Children on the Autism Spectrum Recognizing Emotions Low Vitamin D Levels in children Raise Insulin Concerns Childhood Obesity Impacted by Marketing How To Get Your Kids Involved Paleo Kids Recipes | Caveman Kids Recipes Child Custody Rights More Important Facts Sex life for teenagers Teens as a Spa Revenue Stream Comforting Your Child With Eczema