Strategies for the Morning After ... a Ten Step Guide

Author: Gary Jugert

Your eyes open. You stare at the ceiling. Your mind engages. It's not your ceiling. "Where am I?" You turn your head to the left. There's a person over there. A naked person. "Oh god, what did I do last night?" The best way to wake up in the morning is to find yourself on your day off in your cozy bed after a full night's sleep. No alarm blasts, no hurried rush to primp. A less wonderful way to wake up would be to the sound of an alarm calling you to action and encouraging you to start a productive day. Perhaps the least wonderful way is to find yourself in the wrong place with an unknown person. If you drank too much the night before, you might not even have a funny story to go along with your surprise because you don't remember what happened. Use these ten simple steps to improve how you handle yourself in this situation. 1. Squirm ... Don't Leap: Develop your stealth getting-out-of-bed squirm. You need to be able to slide out from under the covers without moving any of them and without making any noticeable motions to the bed itself. You want whoever that is over there to stay asleep. 2. Leave No Trace: Find everything you wore the night before and bundle it into your arms. No time for dressing now. You've got to scurry. Don't leave anything behind. Leaving too much evidence behind might result in an angry spouse chasing you down in a 1976 Grand Torino. 3. Exit Strategy: In the living room you will assess the minimum required clothing necessary to leave the building. You should be able to survive even in the coldest weather for several minutes even without shoes, but remember the neighbors may call the cops if they see you in your underwear. 4. Where's My Car?: Hopefully you didn't drive last night. Unfortunately, you may have no recollection of where your car ended up. In urban areas you might be able to hail a taxi, anywhere else, if you don't find your car sitting in the driveway or parking lot, you're going to have to go meet your sleeping companion. 5. Wake the Slumbering Giant: If the naked person next to you was the opposite sex, it's time to cook breakfast. You may be parents. If they're of the same sex, and you're not into that sort of thing, a pillow upside their head should do the trick. 6. Awkward: You can be assured your new friend will remember everything about last night. Carefully worded questions like, "Where did we leave my car?" are appropriate. Avoid questions like, "Do you have enough money to pay for an abortion?" 7. Pleasant and Not So Pleasant Discoveries: You may find you've actually been drugged and kidnapped and are on a boat headed for Dubai. You may discover your new buddy is actually a wonderful person. Afterall, you aren't attracted to losers, are you? You may end up meeting your companion's mom, since they still live together. Or you may feel a burning sensation that's too embarrassing to scratch. Try to be positive about all of these discoveries since being hysterical will only lengthen the time required to find reliable transportation. 8. Determine Your Obligations: You may discover your friend wants you gone as much as you want to leave. On the other hand, you may be married. Look out the windows. Are you in Vegas? 9. I'll Call You: Whether your friend calls you a taxi, drops you off at your car, or asks mom to drive you home, the phrases "I had a great time" and "I'll call you" are perfectly acceptable. You may say any hackneyed phrase or platitude without obligation in the hope of keeping everyone happy. This is no time to agitate a crazy acquaintance with unreasonable expectations of you. 10. Remember the Address: You're likely to need to return to the scene to retrieve your cell phone. It was on the nightstand dummy. You may also need to have an attorney deliver the restraining order later in the month and having the address of your old flame makes this process go more smoothly. By remembering these tens basic steps in a time of crisis you should be able to go out drinking again tonight without too much shame or embarrassment. Now go get your phone. Gary Jugert is a writer and composer based in Denver, Colorado, USA. His website is http://www.mammothgardens.com/About the Author:

Gary Jugert is a writer and composer based in Denver, Colorado, USA. His website is http://www.mammothgardens.com/

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