So, You Want to Buy a Boat?

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You know how it is. You see it all the time. You're out by the shore side of a lake or down on the beach at the coast and you see a happy group of people whizzing by at 45 MPH in a 24 foot 250 horse power dual console v-hull cruiser (ah.a boat) with music blaring, women nearly naked in 2-piece swim suits, beverages resting on chunks of ice, and every one of them on that speeding water missile are, seemingly, having the time of their lives. Well, for that brief exact moment in time and space, they are. And if you desire to put yourself on a boat of your own, you need to understand that anything can go wrong on a boat; very quickly, anywhere and at anytime.

Boating is NOT what you may THINK it is. There will be a day that you wished that boats were never made available to the common man. And if my opening observation suggesting that when on a boat anything can go wrong very quickly anywhere and at anytime, well, you also need to know this:

"A boat is a hole in the water surrounded by wood (or fiberglass or some other composite material) into which one pours money. Lots of money"

I don't want to be the guy to talk you out of getting a boat. No siree Bob. I have a boat of my own. A small 17 foot flat-bottom bay boat with a 48 horse power motor. My family has had many a nice time on this boat and I'll always treasure those times when things went right. And I wish I could forget those days when things went wrong and forever curse the day for having bought the thing in the first place.
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So let me lay it out for you, speaking from experience, so you will understand that when things go wrong on your boat (and they'll go terribly wrong) you'll remember that it happened to someone else before you and it will happen to someone else after you.

So here are some tips:

1. What kind of truck do I need to get?

Truck? Absolutely! What do you think you're going to need to pull that boat? A Camry? But whatever you do make sure you get a truck (or an SUV) that is directionally proportional to the size of the boat you intend to pull. That is, don't get a Chevy 3500 Heavy Duty 4x4 V-10 diesel crew cab to pull a 15 foot skiff. You WILL forget that the dang thing is back there. Particularly when you make turns. The noise you hear will be your precious jewel crashing into the sides of other cars or ripping down traffic signs.

2. What kind of boat should I get?

Well, I have no idea. You first need to answer just a few questions for yourself: What are my needs? My wants? Do I want to fish? Water ski? Cruise? Swim? Will I be going in fresh water? Salt water? Shallow water? Deep water? Inland waterways? Off shore? Way off shore? How about Bermuda? Do I want an in-board? Out-board? 4-Cycle? 2-Cycle? Gasoline? Diesel? Center console? Dual Console? Walk-through? Cabin cruiser? Portable fuel tanks? Inboard fuel tanks? Carpet? What about a fresh water tank? Will my wife be going? What about the kids? The dog? Where does the beer go? Do I need to pack a lunch?

You see, the reasons why there are so many different and various kinds of boats out there are because people can't make up their minds. But remember this:

No matter what kind boat YOU get, SOMEBODY else will have a nicer boat!

3. I'm thinking of getting a boat for the family.

Okay. Well, that's fine.

But whatever you do, be sure you get a boat that has a potty. If you don't get a boat with a potty AND you bring the wife and kids (particularly if your kids are girls) then things are going to go wrong very quickly. You will be back at the marina or ramp or dock way before it's time to eat those tasty sandwiches you brought. And don't even think about going fishing with the family on board either. Somebody is bound to step on a hook or cast one into the face of a beloved one. And if you don't catch a fish in 20 minutes everybody will be bored, except you.

And whatever boat you get make sure it's the type that doesn't sink when you hit a big rock. Hitting rocks will ruin your day. But things will be worse when you have a heart attack trying to swim back to shore.

4. Is a bathroom actually called a "potty" on a boat?

Of course not! And it's not even called a bathroom either. It's called a "head". This might be a good time to tell you that you should learn seamanship terms before you embarrass yourself on your boat. There will be times when you're trying (the operative word here is "trying") to moor your boat up to a dock in a big crowded marina and the dock master comes up to you and says, "Belay that lanyard to the port cleat". What?

There are many terms of seamanship that should be utilized on your boat. This impresses non-boating people that were invited to have fun with you on your boat. Some simple seamanship terms are: left is port, right is starboard, front is forward and rear is aft. And a rope is a line or lanyard. And ALL boats are vessels. There are many more terms but I forgot them.

And make sure you have a yardarm on your boat because when the sun is above the yardarm you know it's time to start drinking. That's an old seaman's term. The old salts put it to good use when things went wrong on their boats.ah.I mean vessels.

5. How much does a boat cost?

Don't worry about that. There are excellent boat loans out there. Some loans last 20-25 years. That way your boat payment will only be about $250 or $300 a month. If you get a boat when your kids are only 8 or 9 years old, just think, you'll be able to take your grandkids out on that same crappy boat while still making the boat payments.

6. Should I know rules of navigation when boating?

The first time you go boating on a lake, or any other great bodies of water for that matter, and you've been cruising around all day there will come the time when you need to head back to the marina or ramp or dock. But on the water everything looks the same. Same tree line, same cove, same big ol rocks. There will be no signs proclaiming "Marina This Way" or "Boat Ramp 2 Miles". When you decide to go back you will have no idea where you are or which way you need to go to get there. So go buy yourself a GPS receiver. The first thing you do, after taking an hour to get your boat in the water, is mark where you parked your truck. That way when your boat breaks down, or even sinks after you hit a big rock, you still have a way to find your truck when you swim to shore and have to walk back.

If you're on a really big lake, or down at the shore, you will see things like buoys and painted boards of wood with numbers mounted on pilings. And these pilings are not telephone poles. Again, learn seamanship terms. These buoys and boards are painted in green or red. The U.S. Coast Guard and/or your State Wildlife Commission put those things there for a reason. If you do not adhere to their meaning you will hit something under the water with your boat. Most likely a big rock, or a car, or perhaps another boat. And if that doesn't tear up your prop you're lucky for now because someday you will tear up your prop doing something else stupid. So pay attention to what you're doing. Get yourself an approved "rules to navigation" guide book where all of this stuff is explained for you. You can even enroll in classes. But to save money I didn't go.

Oh, I should also mention this about rules of navigation: yield to sail boats. Better yet, avoid all sail boats. No matter what size they are. Stay away from them. They made laws to protect these crazy people. Because why would you want to go boating on a sail boat having to constantly work your sail(s), trim your line(s), tack your vessel and depend on the wind to get where you want to go? Stay away from them.

7. How Do I anchor my boat?

This is a very good question. The easiest way to anchor your boat is to drag your boat off the trailer when the thing is still sitting in your driveway. That way you're assured the boat will not go anywhere.

I have two (2) anchors in my boat and use both of them frequently. But I think I need two (2) more. I boat mostly down at the coast where you have to worry about tide direction, wind direction, swells entering into the inlets, passing boats traveling by at high velocities, and phases of the moon.

One time about 4 years ago I thought I had done a pretty good job of properly anchoring my boat. But to my dismay, as I looked up from the book I was reading (I don't fish anymore. I have a wife and daughter), my boat wasn't where I anchored it. As I was only 30 feet from my boat's anchorage I had no idea what happened. Even the anchor on the beach was gone. I saw the tall-tell sign where the anchor was dragged into the water. I stood up and looked around. And there! There it was! Two-hundred yards out to the north-east! My boat was taking itself out into the ocean!

But at the same time here's another thing that happened. Okay, so I swim out to my boat because, by God, no other boats were around at the time to help me out. But finally I catch up to my boat, gagging salt water, arms and legs cramped, sucking needed air into my lungs, and as I grab hold of the stern (again, seamanship terms: stern is also aft which is rear) I'm thinking I'm going to have a heart attack. And since my wife and daughter were shell hunting they have no idea where I am or even know what happened to the boat. So now I'm trying to pull myself up into the boat and this is when I reached a decision that I need to get a ladder for my boat so I can get into my boat when I'm in the water.

The ladder cost me $164. Remember that hole in the water where the money goes?

8. Should I be concerned about the weather?

What are you? Nuts? You better be looking at the weather. Constantly!

Let me say something about thunderstorms. Generally when you're at home you have a pretty good idea from which direction thunderstorms come from. You DO NOT have this great knowledge when you go to the beach. I go to Topsail Island in North Carolina a lot. If you're sitting on the beach at Topsail and you point straight out into the ocean you will be wrong when you say, "Way out there is Portugal." The direction you're actually pointing to is the south-east. Thereby, the correct phrase should be, "Way out there is Puerto Rico." The point being; your sense of direction is all screwed up. And if you go out into the water with your boat, turning left, turning right, you will have no idea which way storms normally approach the area. You need to be watching the sky. So look up and scan the sky every 3-4 minutes or so.

And you need to know this: Thunderstorms along the coast are much different than thunderstorms way inland. The bolts of lightning at the coast ARE much more threatening when you're surrounded by nature's own electrical conductor; WATER!

And the thunder? You would think that 105mm howitzers are zeroing in on your position.

Here's a sign that you need to skedaddle; when that clear blue-green ocean water turns charcoal-gray it's time to leave. A thief with a gun couldn't be more threatening.

9. Why couldn't I just out-run the thunderstorm with my boat?

You are nuts! I take heed when storms approach. I quickly pack up the beach canopy, the chairs, the cooler, the wife, the daughter, the dog, the beach bags, the beach toys, the dog bowl and both anchors and I get my butt out of there. And since the storm "appears" to be approaching from the south-west I head north-east; which is where I need to get back to anyway. But you know what happens? I drive into the storm. Now how the heck did it get there? There's another thing that went wrong!

But here's something even worse; sorry this a long story but it's true. August 2009. I'm vacationing at Topsail Island with my wife, daughter and dog. We also invited my brother-in-law his wife and 3 of their teenagers and also invited my sister-in-law. I know what you're thinking but things didn't go wrong until we went boating.

One day we went up to the north inlet. I took all the kids and the dog on the boat. All the adults drove up to the north inlet in cars. I reach the north side of the inlet and stake a claim on the beach. I set up 2 10x10 beach canopies, 8 camping chairs, 2 coolers with drinks, and beach toys. Then I take the boat across the inlet to pick up everybody else.

Taking a flat bottom 17 foot bay boat across an inlet with 3 foot ocean swells and winds at 20 knots (more seamanship terms) is a trick indeed. You have to time the bow of your boat just right. If you're going to slow after cresting a swell you'll swamp your boat into the next approaching swell. If you go too fast over a swell then you'll crash the bottom of your boat into the top of the next swell too.

But I get across just the same and bring all the adults over to where I pitched our beach claim for the day.

About 2 hours later things changed and changed very quickly. Rather, things went wrong and went wrong very quickly. We heard "boom, boom" in the distance. I, stupidly, assumed it was the U.S. Marines at Camp Lejeune in training. But it was that 105mm howitzer called thunder; as in storm. Yeah, I know. I forgot to look at the sky every 3-4 minutes or so.

This is what happened next; EVERYBODY wanted to go back in the cars. Even the dang dog! (boom! boom!) But this time it took 2 trips across the inlet to get those yellow bellies to the safety of their cars. (Boom, boom, boom!)

Me? Well, since the sun was above the yardarm what did I care! (BOOM! Boom! boom!)

Okay, so now I'm back at the north side trying to load up the boat with 2 10x10 beach canopies (1 is now broken to pieces because the increased winds have torn it apart), 8 camping chairs, 2 coolers with drinks, and the toys. (BOOM! BOOM! Boom!) I start the motor and put the prop in gear and then, "PING! Whizzzzzz!" And then the motor stops.

What the heck was that? (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!)

Crap! What happened was when I engaged the prop the stern line was in the water and the line got wrapped around the prop. The prop acted like a wench going 5,000 mph and pulled the stern line taught, which said stern line was also wrapped around the lanyard to the bimini top. This exceeded the tensile strength of the brass locking clip holding the lanyard of the bimini top to the gunwale (more seamanship terms). The result? PING! Whizzzzzz! That was the left overs of the brass clip breaking and zipping past my ear.

Bear in mind that during all this time this fast approaching storm is nearly on top of me. Bolts of lightning are now landing on the beach and I don't want to be here. To even have a chance to get out with my boat I have to get that stern line off the prop. To do that I have to raise the motor out of the water. And since the raising of the motor requires electricity I now confirm there is no power to the motor. (BOOOOMMMM!! BOOOOMMMM!)

But I know what the problem is because the same problem of no power happened the year before; and that was also during the approach of another storm! The problem was a blown fuse. I have dozens on the boat now. So, I open the engine cover and locate the right fuse and replace it. Then I raise the motor to work the stern line off the prop. The line wrapped around the prop it is so tight I have to use a knife to cut it off. See how I have the proper tools to help me with boat problems? (BOOOOMMMM!!!! KA-BOOOOMMMM!!!!)

Now it starts raining! And since the wind is now 30-35 knots the rain is going sideways.

I lower the motor and pray tell it starts. YeeHaw! Off I go! The fact I don't have the weight of passengers and a dog I can now cruise at 25 knots. BUT I'm going into a head wind that's 30-35 knots. The copious amounts of rain (I got that from the Weather Channel) striking my bare chest feels like thousands of bee stings against my skin. (KA-BOOOOMMMM!!!! KA-BLAM!)

It takes me 40 minutes to get back. Bolts of lightning are constantly striking both sides of the Intercoastal Waterway. I confirmed for myself that you can be terribly angry and a scared out of your wits, both at the same time. But at least the bolts of lightning are not hitting the water where I want to go.

Finally I turn off the Intercoastal and into the channel with 6-7 different canals where all the houses and individual docks are. I completely, and justifiably, ignore all the navigational signs that indicate: NO WAKE!

As I start to go down the canal towards the house I rented I find that the rain has stopped and the winds subsided. And there waiting on the dock, who do I see? I see my wife and my daughter and my dog; all waiting for me. Ah boating! At least my day ended well.
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So, I wish you the best as you consider a new beginning in an unpredictable future. I hope you found my observations informative and they've prepared you for what will eventually happen to you.

And by the way, the sun is always above the yardarm somewhere.

So, You Want to Buy a Boat?

By: Ed Allen

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