Resolving Conflicts and Problems - Helping Our Children and Ourselves to Find the Answers
Resolving Conflicts and Problems - Helping Our Children and Ourselves to Find the Answers
Others may argue a form of punishment or verbal admonishment, what I prefer to call loving admonishment, is sometimes unavoidable and necessary. This may be true on rare occasions, particularly if our children's safety is at issue, i.e., they run into the street without looking. Our wisdom allows us as parents to make an effective choice that encourages the safety of our children while not damaging their spirit.
A final counter argument is that in the area of development, kids up to the age of nine or ten are simply egocentric and want only what they want when they want it. In other words, they are totally unreasonable and unresponsive to others. Like most generalities and absolute or global assertions, we should be careful not to embrace this as definitive.
When we throw our children into generalized categories of behavior, we don't allow ourselves to see them as individuals. We don't allow ourselves to see what they are capable of, because we assume they will behave in a certain way. As independent people, we shouldn't assume anything. We learn, observe, and decide for ourselves. In deciding for ourselves, we decide what is true for us, from our experience.
If we expect our children to behave in a certain way, they will probably live up to our expectations, good or bad. If we expect them to be egocentric, they will be. If we expect them to develop qualities of consideration and respect, they will. However, they may not develop these qualities on our timetable. Again, we need patience to allow the process to develop. We gain patience by having faith in our children, by knowing they will model our behavior and through our encouragement manifest their innate virtues. They may begin this process at three and fully realize it years later. They may require continued coaxing and encouragement because they are focused on themselves and their desires, but we will see them respond positively to us, and begin to become more cooperative and responsive.
I know this to be true, because I have seen it with my own children who are now four and eleven. I have seen it occur naturally as I have personally evolved, sought to encourage certain principles no matter what age my children have been, while not underestimating who they are and what they may be capable of.
Also, people may mistake egocentricity in our children for present moment awareness and involvement. When children are young and not yet self-conscious they have that wonderful ability to lose themselves in the moment. In other words, their energy, concentration and focus are totally directed to what they are doing. As adults we may find this difficult, because of worries, distractions, emotions, and the constant dialogue we are often running with ourselves; it is easy to interrupt us because we are so easily distracted.
Because of their present moment awareness, children are not so easily distracted; they can not pull themselves out of what they are doing so easily. As parents, we may mistake this focus for ignoring us. If our children don't respond quickly enough, react and then go back to what they were doing, or promise to do something later and then forget, it may be because of this ability to lose themselves in what they are doing. As parents, we can choose to appreciate this quality rather than getting frustrated by it. We have all known moments in our lives - usually all too infrequently as adults - where we have experienced the joy and satisfaction of losing ourselves, becoming totally immersed in something we were doing and completely unaware of time. We should look at this quality in our children as a gift; a quality to be preserved, understanding that they should learn to balance this ability with the desires of others. With this viewpoint, we respect their concentration, don't personalize their behavior as inconsiderate and egocentric, and realize we may need to take some additional steps to coax them, on occasion, more gently out of their reverie. In respecting them, they respect us. Someone needs to make the first move. Who should go first?
Paul Zucker, Author of Parenting Book "Loving Our Children, Loving Ourselves - How We Achieve Our Mutual Happiness And Fulfillment"
Learn more about Paul Zucker, parenting styles, being a good parent, and parenting guidelines that work here:
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