Online Dating - Do Finances Really Matter?
Online Dating - Do Finances Really Matter?
Copyright (c) 2010 Dirk SayersI ran across a blog post today that raised this very issue. In the post, guest author Sam (AKA Financial Samurai) describes a friend's efforts in (San Francisco) to develop an online dating profile. He notes that the particular site on which he was seeking to post has no less than 14 income categories, from 10-20K up to + 1M; graduated in $10K increments. His question was:"Do people really need to know within $10K or $50K how much someone makes?"My sympathies are with Sam and his friend. There's a temptation to state summarily, "No...!" and leave it at that. After all, ask most women if how much money "he" makes really matters to them and they will tell you it doesn't; if she really cares about him. Others, a little more sophisticated (and I suspect both more self-aware and honest) may say beyond a certain minimum, it doesn't. Still others will take refuge in the notion that what really attracts them is not money, but the success, drive, or ambition the financial achievement represents that matters. Setting aside the philosophical issues of whether it should matter and/or which of the positions outlined above may be disingenuous, there's a core question that came up in the course of the post specifically; "should Sam's friend get creative with the truth?"In large metropolitan areas like LA and San Francisco, the PPM (Porsche per Mile) density suggests a high degree of generalized status-consciousness. Are there exceptions? Yes. That stipulated, there are sure to be women who would bite on no less than a Porsche in the garage and a multiples of six-figure income. The author of the post seemed to be of the same opinion. He continues by stating his friend (on the advice of women) represented his income level accurately (at $50-60K) and has been depressed by his responses. States the author:" Craig has been on this dating website for over a month..." the author reports. "He's gotten several "winks" and messages, but he hasn't been able to successfully get a woman to go on a date with him yet."Readers of my book or my blog know me well enough to also know what's coming. If money really were the only variable affecting responses to his profile, I might be more inclined to share the author's consternation. But income isn't the only thing affecting Craig's perceived desirability. Anyone who has ever reviewed a profile online in search of a potential playmate knows this. Some practical questions Craig should ask himself (as a minimum):1. Taken as a whole, does my profile represent me accurately and attractively?2. Does my profile essay stand out (for the right reasons)?3. Did I post photos that represent me well and accurately?4. Is my online dating objective one most women share?The best ones to ask this, of course, are women. A man's perspective on this isn't likely to faithfully reflect those of women. A little time with a perceptive, sympathetic woman friend might go a long way toward improving his profile. At a deeper level, the issue of honesty or "creative honesty" ran throughout the post. Craig was absolutely dead-on correct to resist the temptation to embellish his income; if he feels obliged to comment on it, at all. irrespective of whether you look at this from the perspective of practical, personal or moral outcomes, financial fibbing is a bad idea.On a practical level, Craig can be only who and what he is. To represent himself as anything else will fail and possibly disastrously. At best, he will hook up with a status-conscious gold digger who will drop him like a bad habit when she finds out his financial status is less than represented. But what if "she" falls hard and fast...and learns the truth later? Suppose she finds herself having to choose between the man she loves and (for example) a family who won't accept him because of his finances? Sound like a clich out of a grade c movie? How do you think that clich got to be a clich?"On a moral level, it's never okay to misrepresent yourself. That the overwhelming majority of us have done it at some point or other in our lives doesn't change that. Truth literally self-destructs when we can no longer rely on getting it consistently from each other. And online dating becomes that much harder to do, if the majority of men and women simply can't seem to choke the truth out, even when it may not be palatable.The greatest damage, however, occurs at the personal level. We become the decisions we make; even the trivial ones like the little white lies in the name of better marketing in our online dating profiles. Decisions made repeatedly become habits that are VERY hard to break. As with most ugly emotions and actions, about the first person harmed by them is the doer. Dice it any way you want. The truth is often less convenient in the short run, but essential to your long term health, if not success.Okay, ladies. I've had my innings with the guys today, who are more inclined to fib about income. But what's the lesson for women? You're more likely to fib about age and attractiveness because we know that (statistically) guys are more interested in that. My comments in response to the blog post apply to you about this or anything. Honesty is not simply better for guys, it's better for everyone. Just my opinion...
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