My Step Children - I Feel Guilty But I Do Not Like Them
I do not like my step children. I feel guilty for feeling this way. I am so glad when they go to their other parent's house. They are coming between my spouse and me. I am afraid of what it will do to our marriage. Have you ever thought this or said this? You are not alone. You may be surprised at the best way to deal with this. Keep reading.
First, it is OK to have these feelings. Why can't we be honest? It only makes it worse when we sweep it under the rug. It is hard to maneuver under there. Want to deal with this? Then be honest and drag it out from under the rug. Say it so you can hear it - "I do not like my step children."
Second, let's settle something else right now. You will never love your step children like your own. Whoever said we should didn't live in reality. That is not to say you will not love them. You can, but it will not have the same bond. Neither does it mean you will only have conflict with your step children. So now you have settled two things. Feeling better? At least we are on the right track.
Third, it's time to talk with your spouse if you have not. It amazes me that so many are intimidated in this area. If you can't be honest here, what do you have? But if you are intimidated, then put on your big person pants and do it anyways. Do it in love and sincerity. But do it. But what if they get mad? They'll get over it! What is the alternative? I'll tell you what it is - let it build up until you cannot reconcile it.
Fourth, come to some agreements. I am supposing there is enough mutual love and respect to have this conversation. Sometimes we can be blinded by our actions. Often a parent will subconsciously feel so sorry that their child has gone through a divorce and they will begin guilt parenting. This results into giving the child what the parent thinks they want to make them happy. The problem is that it too often forgoes boundaries and discipline. The child quickly begins to run the household, or at least make it miserable. After all, with this kind of parenting everything centers around the child. That scenario is so out of balance that everyone is walking on eggshells.
Not just eggshells, but you as the step parent are a threat to the system. Your perspective is from a different view point. This places you in the line of fire. You may quickly begin to take blows from the step child. This usually comes in the form of attitude, but may be verbal and even physical. And if that is not enough, your spouse may suggest you are out of line, not the child.
But we will refrain from going that direction and work off the premise that you are able to discuss this with your spouse. Let's assume they finally see what you are talking about. You express that cannot live like this and that things must change. There is a mutual agreement to begin working on the situation. Now you are ready for these agreements:
Get equipped together
This must be a joint venture. Both of you must be willing to read and search for the best answers and solutions. Much is written on this subject so it should not be a problem.
Implement
Begin implementing strategies. Do not try to implement too much at once. This will overwhelm you and the child. One or two things can be worked into your household initially.
Family discussion
It is a little unfair to blindside the child. The perfect solution is to have a dinner night and discussion. Please know that the biological parent must be the one doing the talking and laying out the new direction for the home and child. It will not be received well if the step parent initiates. Reassure your child of your love.
Report Card
Begin every few days asking this question to each other, "How am I doing?" Be honest. This is no time for pride. Accept the grade of your spouse and fix it.
Balance
Too many homes try to enforce the law of discipline and forget the law of love. There must be balance. Never allow your only interaction to be those times of correction. Build relationships and overwhelm them with love.
A different set of rules apply to blended families. Know the ingredients and implement them. This natural dislike will begin to change as order and fairness are placed back into the home. An uninformed biological parent will now have some tools. A successful blended family is on the horizon.
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