Is "Cheating Online" Really Infidelity?

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Is "Cheating Online" Really Infidelity?

Copyright (c) 2011 Dirk SayersIn his post of January 18, 2011, "Cheating Is in Our DNA," Charles Orlando distinguishes between two "flavors" of infidelity: the "fling" as in the one-night stand and the affair, which he characterizes as a long-term relationship. More to the point, a long-term relationship that is in competition with yours. Not that he stipulates this...but most us take it for granted. He goes on to observe that affairs do not necessarily involve sex. In Orlando's opinion, affairs are much trickier to get over than the "fling," because there is always emotional engagement that accompanies the affair.I suspect many of us would agree with him, on some practical level. But he doesn't stop there. Mr. Orlando makes some other statements in his article that I'm not sure I agree with...grist for another article, another time, perhaps. Most pointedly, in the era of Social Media, he brings up "online cheating." Says Orlando: "There are an endless number of sites that advocate and enable real-world affairs (Whose highest spending advertisers are divorce attorneys). But meeting someone online and then quickly transferring the relationship to the real world is just a fling. Online cheating is different. With the rise of social media and community-based websites, connecting with others in remote locations isn't just the activity of a small sub-culture, it is ingrained into our everyday lives...Online cheating - without any physical contact - is the most emotionally damaging type of infidelity. The reason? The entire "connection" between the two parties is emotional." Where to start? I guess I'll start with his punch line, namely that online cheating without any physical contact is the most emotionally damaging because it's entirely emotional. Well, maybe. But to use his words "...online cheating - without any physical contact..." Doesn't that leave a lot on the table? He left me wondering if his article would have been more convincing if he had opted for a more clearly drawn definition. To illustrate what I mean. Is it online cheating if the "cheater" maintains an ongoing relationship that wouldn't cross the line in the real world? I have a hard time getting there. Many of us have friends for whom we have genuine regard and about whom we care...without ever wanting to "cheat" with them on our life-partner. If a similar regard for someone you meet online develops, is that, by definition cheating? What about relationships that start professionally but become more as it evolves? Is there a point at which it crosses the line, even if it never results in sex? If so, at what point does that become true? The point of these questions is not to push the sublime to the ridiculous. But taking Mr. Orlando seriously at all begs (in my opinion) a more clearly delineated definition of online cheating...especially since it's (relatively) new. My own working definition would be:Online Cheating: An emotionally engaged relationship conducted online that inhibits, damages or replaces the growth in your primary relationship.Note the absence of gender, here. Does that mean that you could "cheat online" with either a man or a woman? Technically, yes. But isn't it also possible, then that a purely professional relationship could have the same effect, without any intent on either party's part to do so? Again, I think it could.Therein, in my opinion, lies one of the problems with Mr. Orlando's article. I understand his desire to avoid spending a lot of ink defining something that is essentially a matter of perception, anyway. All personal relationships are laced with emotion and those with the one you love more than any other. But love is not always right or reasonable. So not unlike cheating in the "real" world, it is equally subject to the same misunderstandings.In the era of social media and its ubiquitous use, I'm of the belief that many if not most who spend much time online will inevitably skate close to the edge, on this one. And perhaps that's Mr. Orlando's point. The emergence of facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn and the host of social networking tools are sure to raise these questions, as they improve opportunities to cheat as he is inclined to define it. Mr. Orlando's avoidance of defining what he means by "online cheating" does not detract from the usefulness of his observations.But it does lead to an interesting personal dynamic that sooner or later, virtually everyone will have to address with their significant other. What constitutes "online cheating?" What expectations does each party have of the other in this regard and where does he/she draw the line? It's a personal call, in my opinion. What the most reasonable will accept without concern might border of prima facie evidence of impending betrayal to someone else. The point? I'd have that conversation with your SO, if I were you. Particularly if you're in a profession that requires or is supported by social/professional networking in any form. Not because it is inherently a problem...but to keep it from becoming one, inadvertently. Just my opinion...What do you think?

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