Identfy & Fulfill Your Needs To Reduce Marriage Problems
How to Have a Successful Marriage: Characteristics to show you the RIGHT way to
get rid of your marriage problems and find the results and solutions you want, Pt. 3, Need Fulfillment Pt. 2.
In terms of identifying and meeting your own needs there's also something else extremely important you MUST do if you're going to marriage counseling or about serious about actually RESOLVING (for once and for all) your marriage problems. You've got to close your exits. What I mean is this, a lot of people in distress and experiencing difficulties & problems in their marriage made a decision long before they realized how painful these problems really were. They chose to find "outside" fulfillment. They chose to look outside their marriage for ways to get their needs met.
I know what you're thinking, "Didn't you just say in the last article I need to meet my needs on my own? So how can you now coach me to get my needs met inside my marriage? This doesn't make any sense.". Stick with me, it will once I explain what I mean.
Yes, take responsibility for identifying what your needs are. Yes, learn how to effectively & appropriately meet your needs in healthy ways. However, do not
"turn away" from your partner to someone or something else to do so. What this means to you is this: A lot of people struggling in their marriage and ready
to give up a long time ago decided to look outside their marriage for fulfillment or comfort. They turned to the bottle, they turned to porn, they turned to
a sympathetic co-worker, they complained to their family...they gave a big "SCREW YOU" to their spouse and turned to anything which offered the promise of fulfillment. And a lot of "relationship guru's" or "marriage experts" would keep selling you this myth too.
What I'm saying to you is yes, identify and take responsibility for getting your needs met; however do so in a way where you're "turning TOWARDS" your spouse. Don't just say "Forget you!" or "I don't need you". Don't turn away from them to take care of yourself; rather, turn towards them AS you take care of yourself. You'll see, it's amazing once you begin to identify your own needs, take responsibility for getting them met, and are then able to turn towards your spouse to be fully present to them. They'll see a whole "new" you; they'll open up to you like a rose in spring bloom.
I'm not saying this is an overnight process, far from it; however, as you move forward, each step is a step towards not just solving some of the problems in your marriage. It's a step towards getting the marriage you both always wanted - one filled with an abundance of passion, fulfillment, peace, love, acceptance & happiness.
Most people are UNABLE to find lasting solutions to their marriage problems because they never close their exists. They persist in finding outside sources of fulfillment, and then complain when their partner is frustrated with them or there's an argument. All human beings have an innate NEED for safety & security. When either person in a relationship begins to look for outside fulfillment it sends a signal to the unconscious sounding out an alarm throughout the mind that your safety is being threatened. We argue more, our stress levels increase, we're more frequently unhappy, we blame our spouse more; we yell, threaten, complain, act out. It's because we're internally SCARED. Let me ask you a question, did you grow up with parents who fought or argued in front of you? Did they yell or make threats? Did
they themselves divorce or threaten divorce? If you answered "yes" to any one of those questions, I want to ask you a few simple questions. 1) How old were you when these events happened? 2) How did you feel when these events happened? 3) Did you watch your parents resolve conflict in a mutually beneficial way which brought releif? 4) Did either of your parents comfort you, or were you left to take care of yourself?
I ask you these questions because I want to help you link your past, what a child experiences, to the present, what your brain is experiencing. It's the same sensation of threat, insecurity. You see, your unconscious mind CANNOT differentiate between the past and the present; it has no sense of time. so for it, your unconscious doesn't recognize you're no longer a child - the fear which gripped you then when your sense of safety and security (your parents) seemed threatened STILL grips you now.
The only way to decrease the stress and fear of a loss of security is to close the exits. Otherwise you will not be able to work through the other issues in your marriage in order to find solutions to the problems you have and get from where you are to where you want to be. There CANNOT be trust if there is no sense (promise, belief) of security & safety. And if there is no trust because there's no promise of safety you also will not experience love, acceptance, peace, or happiness. Trust is essential AND it's built on the foundation of an unshakable sense of security.
P.S.: If this article was helpful to you, encouraged or supported you, or if you learned something new or were reminded of something you needed to be reminded of - let me know! I'd love to hear from you!! Also, if you think it would benefit someone you care about, please do them a favor and
"pass it on!"
by: RealMarriageSolutions.com
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