How to Score Points with Your Kids

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How to Score Points with Your Kids

Working in the children's department at a retail store has its advantages. One of the advantages being that I have a front row seat dead-smack on the 50 yard line to one of the biggest, roughest, toughest games of all: Children vs. Parents. It's a chaotic game really, because the referee (common sense) is booed off the field so much that oftentimes he doesn't even show up. Here's the dilemma I see at least once every single day without fail:

In the children's department where I work we have a toy train track set up on a table for the kids to play with. Parents let their kids play with the train while they browse around the store. After about a half hour or so the parent says, "Alright kiddo, it's time to go." (This is the point where I usually stop what I'm doing to observe the game.) In response the child ignores the parent and continues playing. "Come on, it's time to go home." The child still acts impervious and suddenly the parent start showing signs of aggravation and says, "It's time to go. Now." Child shakes his head no. Within one minute the parent has the child's arm in hand and the child screams bloody murder creating a humiliating scene for the parent. The parent relents and says, "Fine. You have two more minutes." Children 2, Parents 0. Two minutes later, "Alright, it's time to go now." More screaming. "Fine. One more minute." Children 3, Parents 0.

This is a classical scenario and no doubt you've been on that playing field before. Why is it then, that every time we observe the scoreboard the kids are always 20+ points ahead of the parents? Why are these bedtime battles and yes/no shouting matches so jam-packed in our daily lives that we've come to accept these bloody disputes as just the dirty job of parenting as we know it? The good news is that these daily assaults from your kids don't have to be a daily occurrence. There is a perfectly logical way to avoid these disasters. How? The answer is simple: Be your kids' parent.

For some reason parents feel their authority can go into hiatus until open battle breaks out and when it does that's when they unleash a torrent of screams and momentary bribes. Even in your child's absence, or in peacetime your authority as a parent never expires. This is why we often attach negative verbs to the idea of parenting (such as disciplinarian, punisher, screamer, etc.). These naturally wash out the positive connotations that ought to go hand-in-hand with said calling (such as loving caregiver, teacher, protector). These latter elements cannot and must not be forgotten and must be exercised in every facet of your child's life even in times of battle. Yes, you can still be loving when your child is screaming at you: "It's time to go." "No! Five more minutes!" "No. Right now." That example demonstrated a screaming child demanding his own way, but the parent remained calm under pressure because she stuck with her initial command. It might not seem loving to deprive your child of just five more minutes, but at least you've avoiding a compromising situation.

You see, when you tell you child something and don't act on it, you're a) building distrust in your child and b) giving him authority over you. To put it bluntly, you're lying to your child every time you go back on your word. Read the familiar dialogue carefully: "It's time to go." "No! Five more minutes!" "Okay, five more minutes." That parent just told their child that it really wasn't time to go when he said it was. In fact, that parent had five minutes to spare. It's either time to go or it's not! These lies add up to mistrust and a dangerous shift of authority. Plus, he's still going to kick and scream all the way to the car, because his play time eventually came to an end.

Let's change the scenario: Instead of asking to play with the train set longer, your five year old asks if he can drive home. You of course say no. But your child recalls when you broke down in the store just a minute ago and gave him extra time to play because he yelled and screamed. So of course he's going to yell and scream until you pull the car over and hand over the keys. After all, you decide, it's just until we get off our exit. It's a dramatic example, I know, but what makes you think your 13 year old is going to take your warnings against drugs seriously when all her upbringing was made up of one compromise, one lie, after another? After all, as you've so demonstrated time and time again, she's in control, she can do what she wants, and if she wants something bad enough, she'll get it.

So what would it look like if parents stopped lying to their kids? Let's return to that store. "It's time to go home." "No!" (Now, the parent just read this article and decides to give my advise a try.) There's no count down from three, there's no compromise, there's no bribery. Instead the order has been given and the order has been denied. The child knows not to disobey his parent. So once the child disobeys, the parent picks the child up and carries him, kicking and screaming, to the car. Now this may not seem like it has improved matters, but after he calms down in ten minutes or half an hour, the parent firmly explains (not yells) to the child that she said it was time to go and she meant it. And guess what? She makes it home on time to catch Oprah! Besides that, the parent has shown the child who's in charge. This will not be an immediate cure to all the domestic battles. After all, the parent has a lot of lies to make up for. (If you decide to take this approach, you need to remember that simply leaving the store is not a form of discipline. Leaving the store is simply the order of business, the rule that must be followed in order to move on with life. If your child disobeys you, you must discipline your child by means that fit the crime. Do this sooner rather than later so they know exactly what they're being disciplined for, and do this privately so as not to humiliate him. As soon as the discipline is over and done with in a timely matter, and you've left the store, remind him that you love him.)

By following this advise consistently on a daily basis (for, it is a commitment to resolve to be honest with your children), you will find that the negative connotations associated with parenting either dissolve completely or are used briefly, scarcely, and positively. You become a fair and just disciplinarian because the rules were set and you didn't back down on your word. In turn, your punishments are fair because they are based on rules that were set before the crime was committed. Plus, you had no need to scream at your child because the rules and punishment made the points for you (if your child screams at you, the punishment should extend they'll catch on). And those positive elements will be long remembered. You may look like the bad guy today, but they'll tank you later.

By applying this principle, you're demonstrating love by not yelling and not lying. You're also teaching your child the hard lesson that they will not always get what they want in life and they should not always expect to get their way. And you're protecting your child by not allowing him power, or authority, that he can't handle.

I implore you to try this principle, even if it's just for a week; see if there are any improvements. Maybe they'll actually go to bed when you tell them to because they know you mean it. Nothing will change over night, but keep an eye out for subtle improvements. And always remember, just like your child has no right to be your parent and call the shots, you have no right to cede your responsibility as a parent. But as long as the two of you are together, one of you will always fill that role. So be the parent, score some points, and you'll find that soon you're no longer competing against each other, but you're playing and learning together.

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