Helping Your Teen Gain Self Control
The teen years don"t have to be tough. Every teen is his or her own person. Your task is to create a bridge from childhood to adulthood so your child can be successfully launched.
Parenting teens is perceived as a bad experience. It doesn"t have to be. Starting early helps but children are resilient and parental bonding is powerful. Your teen wants to please you and deep down, often they want to be like you""minus the double knit pants and old fashioned hair do.
Probably the scariest perception created by the media for parents of teens is the topic of sexuality. However, introducing abstinence until marriage to your teenager is a natural process. You cannot control their behavior in the sense of control. Sexuality is controlled by the internal controls created by the concepts or philosophy that you teach and model. Problems occur when parent let teens form "their own ideas" about sexual behavior. The sexual concepts that permeate society will undo the self control you taught your child about lying, eating, making their bed, saying "excuse me" and keeps them from being launched well. The question is how to begin?
Starting It
The key to starting an open dialogue is to start early and talk often. If you wait for the so-called "perfect moment" you might miss the part wherein your kid starts forming his own ideas, bypassing you completely. What you need to do is to make the opportunity.
The only good news about a sex saturated society is that it gives you, the parent, more moral development parenting material than you could use in 10 lifetimes. Think about the copious opportunities you have nearly every day, the inappropriate customer at the grocery store, the television show that has couples cheating on their boyfriends or husbands and wives, the crook in the detective movie, the "meany" in the children"s cartoon, the driver who yields the right of way or the neighbor who blows the snow out of your driveway or shares strawberries from his yard. All of these opportunities show self control and provide talking points for forming the attitudes of character and teaching the character skills to make your teen the best young person they can be.
Be the first teacher; it has the most impact. Use life experiences and opportunities to form the thoughts the way you want your teen to think. Others, media, school and friends may share conflicting ideas but teens repeatedly say they want their parents to talk to them about the important issues.
How to Talk to Your Teen
There are several things you need to keep in mind if you"re going to start talking to your teen about the character that will support good decisions, including waiting for sex until marriage:
1.Honesty is your friend. If you can"t be honest about your own experiences, then you can"t expect your child to understand what you"re trying to say. Nothing speaks better to a person who doesn"t understand the topic than honesty; if you"re honest, then the person knows he can trust you.
2.Look at it from the teen"s perspective. You gain respect by asking their opinion, listening to it, then sharing your opinion and giving your own reasons for the opinion. You model asking opinions by asking their opinion. You want them to see you as an "askable" parent who has opinions, facts and is a credible resource.
3.Talk about the tough topics""but do it slowly. You don"t want to shock your child by getting into the full details of what human sexuality is all about. Introduce it little by little. By the time your child is a teen, he has heard many conflicting theories and more explicit details including slang than you may even know. Keep your information factual and at the level they can understand. When your teen asks a question, answer it, add your opinion or wisdom and move on to the next topic. Sexuality is not about "the big talk".
4.Remember that there are differences between boys and girls that you want to address when talking about teen abstinence and human sexuality. For example, the pregnancy statistics of your city might not be of interest to a male child, but to a female, it might be an interesting topic to discuss. If you get dismissed, remind the male child about child support and the importance of future family or marriage partner.
5.If a parent is an approachable resource that has high expectations, your child will know where you stand. Your stand is not stronger by saying it louder or longer; it only increases by consistent example and logical reasoning. Your motive for asking your teen to abstain is to help avoid pain for all involved; it is not about denying them pleasure. In fact, you want them to have a healthy, full sex life without consequences. When that message comes through clearly, no matter the temporary choices, your teen will know you care about them and their future.
Tips for Parenting
Start early. Take it slow. Do not use explicit, demeaning or slang language. The task is to inform not to desensitize. You are not ordering, you are asking, guiding and giving loving advice because you care about their social, emotional, spiritual, financial and physical well being.
Remember that your child will be curious, will want to test your advice.
Know that you are not the only one giving information. Make sure yours is accurate and loving. Loving doesn"t mean weak or without boundaries and high expectations.
Be consistent in your values as you show openness to discuss character development, self control, sexuality and relationship issues.
If you haven"t told your teen what you believe about your expectation, relationships boundaries and sexual expression, begin now.
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