Fighting A Restraining Order - Tips For Helping Your Kids Cope
Fathers who are fighting a restraining order as part of a divorce battle often don't know how to deal with the aftermath when they win
. Fathers win custody of their children all the time, but the trauma caused by prolonged separation between child and parent is hard to fix. And that's precisely why this article has been written; hopefully, by sharing some advice, helping your kids cope after you've been fighting a restraining order and custody case to see them will be much easier.Tip #1: Listen to them.
When your son or daughter discusses anything surrounding the divorce process or your separation from them, make sure that you pay attention to what they say. They could be feeling things you aren't aware of at all. My oldest son was upset about the three year separation from him, but he also felt a lot of anger. What I didn't expect is that this anger was originally directed at me, "for not being there" whilst I was fighting a restraining order...! It took a long time for me to get him to understand that I hadn't missed his birthdays or Christmas time on purpose, like his mother had been telling him.
Tip #2: Help them to find words to express themselves.
If you see your children are angry or sad, ask them simple questions that lead them to share their thoughts. A good one is "tell me the top three things that are making you sad right now", because it's a leading question (can't be answered in just a yes or a no) but not too open that they don't know how to answer.
Tip #3: Focus on honesty.
Never, ever punish a child for being honest with you about the time you were fighting a restraining order. I'll never forget the day my eldest son called me a "crap father" for not being at his last birthday (I'd have been arrested if I'd even called him, but he hadn't known that). But it's important that your child knows they won't be punished for their thoughts, no matter what. If they don't feel they can share things with you, they'll have a harder time getting closure on that part of your lives.
Tip #4: Do not speak badly of your ex in front of them.
A child gets agitated when one parent speaks badly of the other, because it causes a conflict of loyalty in their heart. Your kids will think you're making them decide who they love more, or asking them to take your side. No matter what your ex has put you through - fighting a restraining order, allegations of abuse, financial ruin - don't ever let your kids hear you bad mouth her in strong terms. In future years, your children may come to understand what hell you went through to win the custody battle, but it isn't your place to force it whilst they're still young.
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