Do Your Kids Have Tantrums And Act-out? Limits Are The Solution-from Dundee And Mchenry, Il
Your children have tantrums and act out because there is something they want
, subconsciously, from you. When your kids don't get it they become fearful, angry, upset and uncomfortable in their own skin.And often even they don't understand why. No, we are not talking about all kinds of material things like bicycles, dolls or video games.
Children want real limits. At times, they beg for them and we don't even know it.
They need limits to know how to navigate their sometimes confusing world. In the back of their mind, they expect you to stop them, when they are about to trespass or cross over a line.
Parents must step up to the plate when their kids start to test them. They often, subconsciously, want you to tell them what is required, rather than just let them totally do their own thing.
Consciously, children don't recognize this either, so if a parent just listens only to what a kid appears to be saying, he or she is going to miss the real message. Children want a map.
They want to know the lay of the land. They want to know where the Stop, Stay Out and Dangerous Dog signs are?
Since they don't consciously understand this, how do they ask? By continually pushing the envelope until you tell them to stop.
Kids expect that there is a limit and that when they get there you will tell them. So, they just continue doing whatever it is they appear to want.
Unfortunately, the language barrier raises its ugly head. Parents begin to think the kid is telling them to "stick it," rather than genuinely asking for direction. Oh sure, your kid will holler, shout, pout and cry when he sees the Do Not Trespass sign.
In fact, he will say all kinds of things to upset and frustrate you. But in the back of his mind, in the subconscious, he is hoping you will not give him his way. He's hoping, beyond hope, that you'll stick to your guns.
There is an excellent reason why children want limits. It is because, ultimately, limits generate the very liberty they seek.
When kids know where the Stop Signs and other limits are located, they realize that they are really fully free-albeit within those limits. They no longer have to carry ever-present anxiety about how or when they might fall into a ditch, get bitten by a wild animal or, otherwise, get whacked.
When they are plagued by that doubt and anxiety in the back of their minds, they realize that they are really not as independent as they would like to think of themselves!
2 Symptoms of Inadequate Limits
1. Kids will attempt to get attention by challenging your authority and resorting to tantrum-like behavior. Believe it or not, this is their attempt to have the limit flashed to them like a neon sign - to finally have a clear map.
Of course, when your kid gets rebellious by challenging your authority, it is anything but pleasant. The child might shout, holler and scream.
2. Kids isolate and remove themselves from interaction.
Some kids are so needy to get limits, that, without them, they isolate and withraw from others. These types seem to stay in their bedrooms whenever they are home.
As a parent, you must understand that parental assertiveness, tough love and tender love are your three most important tools and you must practice them continually, as appropriate! Remember, when kids start hollering and insulting you, subconsciously,they want you to declare their limits repetitively and with no equivocation.
After you finally declare the limit, subconsciously, they pray inside that you will stick to it. Over time, when you are firm and don't surrender to their acting-out behaviors, they will begin to gradually experience the important feelings of active love and safety, which they need so much.
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