Coping with Infertility During Family Holiday Gatherings
Coping with Infertility During Family Holiday Gatherings
Whatever the time of year may be, family holiday gatherings can be emotionally difficult when you're coping with infertility. The holidays tend to remind us that our family building has not gone the way we imagined. Seeing your siblings and cousins with their children can remind you of what you don't have. That's never easy.
If you're feeling stressed out just thinking about your next holiday get-together, here are some coping tips that may help:
Don't Go.
You're probably thinking that is the most negative tip to start with, but it's an important one. So important, that I wanted to list it first.
When it comes to family, saying no can feel impossible. If you don't go to the holiday dinner, your parents and family may protest loudly, in fact. They can't make you go, though, and you should do what is best for you.
Maybe you've had a really difficult year, and being around babies and children is the last thing you need for your mental health. Maybe that means skipping Thanksgiving or Passover at your parent's this year.
Instead, you can make dinner at home, get together with some adult friends (without children) or even take vacation days and spend them with your partner on a short getaway. Your family may get upset, but they'll eventually get over it, and most importantly, you'll be calmer in the long run.
Don't Feel Like You Have to Hold Any Babies.
Being around children can be difficult when you're trying to get pregnant, and sometimes, especially if your arms are empty, family members will plop a baby on to your lap while they attend to other matters.
For some, holding babies reminds them of what they don't have. Don't be afraid to say no. You can quickly pass off the baby to another pair of empty arms, make yourself busy or just be honest and let your family member know that holding babies is too painful for you right now. (This can be a sticky area, though. It depends on how understanding of a family you have.)
Alternatively, Soak Up the Baby Love.
On the other hand, not every woman with infertility struggles with holding babies. I fit in to this category. When I last visited my sister, she had just given birth to a baby girl. I told my sister from the beginning, Any time you want someone to hold the baby, give her to me. I want to get in all the baby love I can.
If this sounds like your style, take advantage of the abundance of children at the holiday dinner. Live vicariously through others, and take the time to get down on the floor and play with your nieces, nephews and cousins. Volunteer to burp the baby or change a diaper.
Sure, you may cry when you leave, knowing you can't take the baby home with you, but it still can feel good to soak up all the baby love while you can.
Be Ready for When Are You Having Kids Questions.
Especially if others don't know about your infertility or trying to conceive efforts, questions about why you don't have kids (or why you haven't had another) are bound to come up. It can help to be prepared to answer this question.
Consider Whether to Tell Your Family or Not About Your Infertility.
This brings up another sticky topic should you, or should you not, tell your family about your infertility. There are many pros and cons to outing yourself, and I go over them in this article:
If you do decide to tell your family, you may want to think twice about doing so at a holiday dinner. On the one hand, you have everyone together, which may make it easier. On the other, if you don't want it to be the topic of the night, you'll want to bring it up at the very end or work hard at establishing boundaries right up front. (In other words, saying, "I want you all to know, but I really do not want to talk about it now.")
Don't Be Afraid to Cut Off Uncomfortable Conversations.
I bet if I started a thread in our infertility forums on uncomfortable conversations that come up at family dinners, we'd gather tons of replies. Unwanted advice is a big one, either advice on getting pregnant (from "experts", of course) or, if your family doesn't know about the infertility, advice on why you shouldn't wait any longer to have kids.
Also, conversations that focus on the negative aspects of pregnancy or parenting can get really upsetting. Listening to your sister whine about her mornings sickness can feel unbearable when you would give anything to be pregnant and throwing up.
If you find yourself in the middle of an uncomfortable conversation, don't be afraid to switch the subject. Be direct if that doesn't work, and say you really don't want to talk about this right now. It helps if you do it all with a smile and without any blame. (Not to say you aren't angry inside. Just that taking it out on them will probably make things worse, and most likely, they didn't mean any harm.)
Be Ready to Cope with Pregnancy Announcements.
Family gatherings are the place for pregnancy announcements, whether direct (literally announcing the pregnancy) or indirect (walking into the house in maternity clothes and a big tummy).
It is far from easy to cope with pregnancy announcements when you're trying to get pregnant. Even if you are happy for your friend or family member, it can still hurt. More than once, an unexpected pregnancy announcement had me giving strained congratulations and fighting a growing lump in my throat.
Don't feel guilty for your feelings of sadness, but do be prepared for the possibility.
Hide in the Bathroom for a Few Minutes.
For me, being prepared means being willing to hide in the bathroom. I learned this from my therapist. If you feel like you need to cry, you can excuse yourself to bathroom. No one knows why you're there, and the door locks, making it a perfect spot.
You can also run the water in the sink if you don't want anyone to hear you crying. (But if your family is anything like my family, there is no way they will hear you crying over their loud voices, anyway.)
Sometimes, you just can't hold back the tears. It is much easier to go let them out, than hold them in. Have a good cry, wash your face, and then go back out. No one has to know what you're doing in the there, and you'll have some space for awhile. It really works, try it!
Be Forgiving of Yourself.
Perhaps the most important coping tip I have is to be forgiving of yourself. You might feel guilty for feeling sadness when your sister gets pregnant, or feel like a jerk when you ask your cousin to please stop talking about her birth story. But you shouldn't feel guilty. These are all normal feelings.
Coping with infertility is extremely difficult, and you'll be lucky if you have any friends and family that really understand. For the most part, I don't think anyone means to hurt our feelings, but they simply don't know what it's like. They may want to support us, but not know how.
If you need to skip the holidays with family this year, skip it. If you need to leave early, or come late, do that. If you need to hide in the bathroom and cry, or avoid holding a baby, don't feel like it makes you into a bad person. All it means is that you're human, with real feelings feelings that just about every couple who has gone through infertility understands.
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