Child Behavior Problems - How To Handle The "victim"

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One of the difficulties that kids have is flawed thinking

, or "stinking thinking". In fact, it's a problem that adults have, too. Just what I'm talking about is any time you think a specific way in order to justify a conduct. For instance, if you are on a diet program and you treat yourself to a big piece of cake because you've been doing such a good job, that's a thinking error. Rewarding yourself in that way is counter-productive to your objectives, and is justifying the piece of pie. It's not logical, and it's self-defeating.

Kids are also pros of thinking errors, which is understandable, for the reason that from my practical knowledge teenagers don't start thinking rationally until at some point in their twenties. So up until that point in time, their thinking is faulty. A good illustration of this is the victim attitude.

It's not my fault!

That's the mantra of the teenager with the victim attitude - that nothing at all is ever their mistake. Usually this stance occurs about when they are challenged by a problem, or they cannot meet their responsibilities. I have got a little shooter that will use every defense in the book not to perform his homework, and it's never his problem. Teacher did not make me check my box. I had to go to youth group. You took too long making dinner and I ran out of time. Brother took my time period on the video game, so I got started late. On and on and on. Always everybody else's negligence.

Here's the difficulty with that. Typically, whenever a child does not meet his duties, natural consequences will help him change next time. If he doesn't perform his homework, he'll get in trouble by the teacher and possibly embarrassed in front of the class, and next time hopefully he will perform his homework. When a child has the victim attitude, however, he thinks it is not his wrong doing, so he doesn't need to feel ashamed or in trouble. His thinking error is that he didn't do anything wrong.

Exactly how do you deal with little victims?

The best way to manage this problem is to address them head on. Explain to them "your teacher explained you are not getting your homework done. What's going on?" and let them answer. If they blame someone else, do not argue with them, but point out clearly "This is your responsibility. In the event that you need help, you can ask for it. You are not the victim here - you have choices". Then inquire if he has homework, and tell him to go do it and let you know when it's completed. Zero lengthy lectures, simply get him moving forward. It's alright if he feels uneasy, that's right where you want him!

by: Matt Hellstrom

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