Balance, Parent- Child Time And Blended Family Time
It's tough to be a parent in a blended family
. The kids are always watching; they are waiting to see if you are going to treat your kids better than your spouse's kids, or if anyone gets special treatment, or less discipline, or more attention. The kids are watching your every word and every movement. Even the step kids want to know if they are an important part of their stepparent's life (although it's rare that you will find a child over age 8 that will admit it!)Balance your family time. Biological parents should have some dedicated time, at least once a week (or at least once a visit) with their kids. This doesn't have to be over-the-top theme park quality time (by the way- that's where the name "Disney dad" gets its name.) Kids can accompany you to the hardware store, the grocery store or other errands. Stopping to get a soda or ice cream on the way home makes it even more special, but the real focus is that the parent is giving the child one-on-one time.
A common problem I see with stepfamilies is when a child comes to visit. The parent, usually the dad, feels guilty that his kids aren't living full time, in his home, so he wants to make the time they are visiting a very special time. In his eyes, by creating fantastic, over-the-top experiences each visit, he is keeping his kids happy and showing them that they are important. In reality- this is a distorted way of seeing family. Your visiting kids want to be a part of the blended family. They want to see if her kids have taken their place in your life. They want to be part of a family- when they visit you. This means not only giving parent/child time, but also participating in blended family events.
One-on-one biological parent/child time is important, but shouldn't be out of proportion. If the weekend your kids visit, you don't spend any time with your spouse or interact with the rest of the blended family, then you're out of balance.
How do you know if you're out of balance? Well, if your spouse gets upset whenever the kids visit and says she's being ignored- then you're out of balance. If your spouse says he never has any couple time with you anymore- then you are out of balance.
Remember- all of what we're going over is important, but most important is to keep a balance in your time. Dedicated parent/child time is great and a necessary part of a healthy family- but should not be the primary focus of any child's visit.
When the whole family comes together, your entire blended family is now more capable of accepting their stepsiblings and positively responding to family events. Your children are confident that they are loved and that they fit and belong in this blended family. Once the competitions are dissolved, or at least reduced a little, you can create positive memories for your blended family by planning fun group events, or even just eating a meal together is much easier.
Creating a confluent parent/ child time and blended family time is a vital step in producing balance in you and your step family. There may be frustrating times but as parents, you need to be a model for the children. It's all about family, loving each other, and loving yourself enough to provide your family the most stable and healthy environment for them to thrive and mature. This requires balance.
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