After the Breakup: When Practical Matters Stand in the Way of Healing

After the Breakup: When Practical Matters Stand in the Way of Healing

By Susie and Otto Collins

Janelle is really struggling. After her long-term boyfriend moved out and left her-- along with their 3 young children-- she's barely been making it through the day.

She doesn't want her children to suffer because of the breakup. She doesn't want them to be emotionally scarred because their father left and has only visited them a few times in the past month since he moved out.

The last thing that Janelle wants is for her children to suffer after the breakup of her relationship. At the same time, she doesn't know how she'll do all of this alone. There are so many decisions she now has to make, bills to pay and more responsibility than she's ever had before.

When Janelle drops into her bed alone at night, exhausted and wiped out, all of the emotions that she's held at bay all day long come up. She wishes she had the time and energy to really focus on her emotional healing, but it's just not there.

A relationship breakup or divorce can be extremely difficult. All kinds of emotions-- some of them conflicting and confusing-- can overwhelm you. Sorting through your memories (both good and bad) can be nearly a full-time "job," at least for a period of time.

But, this kind of attention to your healing can seem like a luxury that you just can't afford when there are so many practical matters that also need to be tended to.

If you have children, like Janelle, you may be trying to provide support and care for your kids. You might be making your children's well-being your #1 priority and putting your own on the back-burner.

This is understandable, but what is the cost?

You might be so exhausted and overwhelmed by the prospect of having to pay your bills with only your paycheck-- or to get a job so that you'll have a paycheck-- you don't even consider your emotions.

The list of all of the potential practical matters that may be filling your mind and stressing you out right now could go on for page after page.

Get clear about what you need.

When you think about all that you need to decide, take care of and handle right now it can be difficult to keep track of...and overwhelming too.

We suggest that you write down on paper what your needs are. Write down everything you can think of that will need to be taken care of. Include things that pertain to caring for your kids, financial matters, dealing with home maintenance and whatever else comes to your mind.

Next, circle or highlight those needs that are the most important to you (for example, caring for your children and financial matters are probably going to be priorities for you).

As you make this list, remember to breathe-- you don't have to have the answers to all of these questions right this very minute. If a name, organization or other resource comes to your mind in relation to a certain need, write that down. If there is a need that you believe your ex could (or should) fulfill, write that down as well. This might be something to consult a mediator or attorney about.

Seek out resources to meet those specific needs.

Now is the time for you to expand your view of the people and resources in your life. There may be people you wouldn't normally ask for a favor, but who might actually be willing to assist you.

You might also be open to arranging trades or bartering agreements with others. Think about what you have to offer (don't sell yourself short!) and consider approaching someone else who can help with one of your needs with a trade or barter request.

Stay open because there as most likely possibilities that you have not considered yet.

Keep in mind your priorities when it comes to these practical matters. Give yourself permission to make some new decisions about what activities you will continue to do and what you might drop for now.

For example, filling your flower beds with annuals may be a tradition that you enjoy and have done for as long as you can remember, but is this really a priority? Are the time and expense worth it to you at this time? Could you scale back on this tradition so that you have more to give in other areas?

You be the judge of what practical matters are a priority and what are not.

Deliberately make time for your healing too.

The idea here is for you to lighten your load in whatever ways you can-- in both the short-term and the long-term. By making choices about what is most important, by being creative and asking for assistance or arranging for trades, you can do that.

What we also urge you to do is to make regular time for your healing.

Even if you set aside 5 or 10 minutes each day to really focus in on your feelings and to process the breakup, this can make a positive difference. Be sure to include your emotional well-being as one of your priorities and find sources of comfort and support that bring you ease.

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