3 Easy Ways to Change Your Child's Behavior
3 Easy Ways to Change Your Child's Behavior
If your child is not behaving the way you want them to, you need to change the way you address the issues. It simply won't work to keep using the same old parenting techniques. If they haven't worked yet, they aren't going to. Here are three easy things you can do to make your child want to do what you ask.
1. Negotiate
The idea of negotiating with their children is one idea that many parents simply cannot grasp. In our parenting class, we often are met with flat refusal at first. "I am the parent. I don't negotiate. My children need to follow my rules."
By negotiating, you show your child that you are open to their point of view. It shows that you respect them and that you care about how they feel. It opens many new lines of communication between parents and children. And, if handled correctly, both parties walk away happy.
Your child will respect you more if you are willing to listen to how they feel. By negotiating with your child, they know that their feelings are validated and that you care about how they feel. They won't need to win every negotiation - and you won't either.
When negotiating, keep in mind that the first time you put your child down, the negotiations will be over. Your child will not be interested in continuing a conversation in which you make them feel bad about themselves.
One woman in our parenting class tried negotiating with her 12 year old daughter about a new dress for her first dance. The daughter was set on a full length dress. The mother wanted her to choose a dress that ended mid-calf. During the negotiating, the mother said, "You know how clumsy you are. You'll trip over that hem and fall flat on your face in front of all your friends. They'll get a real kick out of it." The daughter was used to the put downs. She'd been hearing them all her life. She quietly chose the mid-calf dress just to end the subject.
At our next parenting class, the mother reported that her daughter wasn't much of a negotiator. The mother had tried to negotiate, but the daughter had refused. While they did end up buying the dress that the mother wanted, the daughter had not been happy with the decision.
Put downs are not part of any negotiations - or any conversation. If you catch yourself putting your child down. Stop. Apologize. Really apologize. And move on.
Some subjects you might want to start negotiating on might be:
bed time
whether to take the garbage out at night or in the morning
Friday night TV
curfew
Using negotiating not only shows your child that you respect them, it teaches them reasoning skills that will help them all through life.
2. Good Choices / Bad Choices
All success and failure comes from choices we make. Being able to think through our choices enables our children to make better choices more often - and accept the negative consequences of bad choices. Once they understand that a bad thing happened because of a choice they made, they can move to make a better choice to fix the problem or to avoid it completely next time. If they are not taught consequences, they will not learn to make good choices.
We had one parent in our parenting class who complained about the school picking on her son. He was failing English because he had forgotten to turn in several required papers. She had been to the school several times to speak with the teacher but the teacher wouldn't budge. She asked how to help her son.
I told her, "Let him fail."
Good parents protect their children from serious injury. Good parents also hang back and do not "over protect" so that their children learn consequences. All children will make wrong choices while they are growing up. When they have to deal with the consequences, they learn what choices they made to get into the mess and also learn to think choices through. Your child will learn much faster by dealing with his choices than from all the preventative preaching you could give him. Let them fail.
Once they have failed, don't say "I told you so". Don't gloat. Don't tell them they are on their own. Let them know that you are there for them. Help them get back on track. Talk to them about it. Gently point out that the consequence is a direct result of a choice they made. Help them learn to make good choices, but don't belittle bad choices.
Your goal, as a parent, is to teach your child that life is better when they make good choices. Making good choices isn't always easy - but it always makes life better.
Some choices your child may start learning today:
Don't finish your homework... you fail the class
Don't pick up your toys... the dog might destroy them (or they may get thrown away)
Take your hands off the handlebars of your bike...you may fall
Learn to offer your advice, and then back off and let the consequence teach your child. You may help your child make the right choice, but let him make the choice and deal with wither the good outcome or the bad outcome. Praise him when he makes a good choice - but never belittle him for making a bad choice.
3. No Ranting
Constant negative comments eat away your child's self esteem. It never helps a child's behavior. In fact, it often makes it worse.
Some parents think that they need to point out every time their child misbehaves in order to teach the child what they are doing wrong. They end up with a child who is nervous and afraid to do anything lest they disappoint their parent once again. Or worse, they end up with a child who acts up even more.
Instead of ranting, start looking for something they did right, and point it out.
Instead of "I told you to clean your room. Get in there and do it now!"
Try this: "Thanks for picking up your toys from the living room. I like it when it looks nice."
Instead of "Did you brush your teeth like I told you to? I get tired of having to remind you."
Try this: "I'm proud that you got your pajamas on by yourself."
In these two examples, we are ignoring things that we really want done. But we are building a foundation of trust and self esteem in our child. It won't take long for our child to start looking for more ways to earn praise. Once they get a taste of how praise feels, they will start doing things to get more praise.
Three easy things to change how your child acts. Easy for parents. Wonderful for kids. Try it today.
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