How To Navigate The Minefield That Is A Blended Family
Navigating the minefield of a blended family takes time and planning
. A blended family is not only new to you, but it is new to your kids as well, and they are far less equipped to deal with it emotionally. Your focus should be on your current family and not on your ex-spouse and your previous marriage. Here are some good rules to adhere to that will help you manage your relationship with your ex-spouse:1.Avoid non-essential contact with your ex-spouse: Now that your divorce is official, the only things you should be discussing with your ex are issues concerning the children. Asking him to work on your car or give you advice on anything is unacceptable.
2.Get to the point: There will be times you need to speak with your ex, and that is perfectly understandable. Just be sure that your communication is necessary, and focuses on the kids. However, when doing so, be brief and straight to the point. If the topic is not an emergency of some sort, choose email as a means of communication.
3.Avoid the trash talking: There is no doubt that your divorce was difficult, and it is even harder if remarriage has occurred for your ex-spouse. However, that is still no reason to speak badly of him or your children's new step mom in front of your kids or your new partner's kids. This will just confuse your kids and step kids, and makes them feel as though they are being put in the middle. Drama and stress in a blended family do nothing but harm your chances at a happy home.
4.Do not use your kids as messengers: Your kids have endured major changes in their lives, like the divorce, a parent's remarriage, a new step family, and having to deal with a visitation schedule. The last thing they need is to be thrown into adult arguments or discussions.
5.Do not grill the kids after a visit with your ex-spouse: When your kids return from visiting their dad and new stepfamily, do not confuse them by asking for details of their visit. Being step kids is a new experience to them, and making them wonder if having fun at dad's house is acceptable only adds to their stress. The children need to have a positive and constructive relationship with both their father and their new step mom.
Asking how their weekend or visit was is perfectly fine, but after they answer however, they choose, just acknowledge their answer and let it go. A blended family may be new to them, but they are not dumb. As soon as you ask follow-up questions, they will know you are just being nosy.
None of these rules are exactly rocket science, and most can be considered common sense. Unfortunately, as emotions and tensions get high, common sense sometimes goes out the window, and we do things we know are wrong. Sticking to these rules will assure that your kids are well adjusted in your blended family, while also encouraging them to maintain a strong relationship with their new step family.
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