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How Do I Prove To My Wife That I'm Sorry I Cheated?

How Do I Prove To My Wife That I'm Sorry I Cheated?

How Do I Prove To My Wife That I'm Sorry I Cheated

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I get this question a lot. I often write about my recovery after my husband cheated on me. So, sometimes men contact me and ask for some suggestions or ways that they can "prove" to their wife that they really are sorry and want to save the marriage. They are often looking for some magical words, the perfect "I'm sorry gift," or the right actions to take to prove how remorseful they really are.

Although I wish that I could offer you a quick fix, I have to say that I believe that there isn't one. Learning that your husband has betrayed you on such a large and significant level is not something that you can "get over" in a short period of time. It truly is a process that builds on a series of baby steps over time. With that said though, I believe that I can offer you a some suggestions of things that you absolutely don't want to do, as well as things that you probably should do (at least in my experience).

The Things That You Should Not Do If You're Trying To Convince Your Wife That You Are Sorry That You Cheated On Her: Here are some things that you might be tempted to do, but shouldn't. Don't offer up excuses that sound insincere even to you. Don't try to rush your wife into forgiving you before she is ready to do so. Do not shift any of the blame for your actions onto her. Yes, the marriage was likely not perfect and she may well have played a role in this. But, that is no excuse for cheating and both of you know this. So don't even for a second consider not taking complete responsibility for your own actions.

Do not ask your wife for forgiveness or make her promises that you can't keep if your heart is not 100% with your wife, your family, and your marriage. If you are not absolutely sure that you will never do this again or that you can and will change your lifestyle to remove any risk factors, then it is a huge disservice to your wife to ask her to move forward. The truth is, if you do cheat more than once, your chances to save your marriage and reconcile with your wife go down each time. So, before you ask her to allow herself to be vulnerable, make sure that you can make it worth her while and that you can absolutely back up what you say and follow through with what you promise.

And, do not allow your own insecurities and issues to find their way into being an issue for her. If you need to do some individual work, then do so. But, don't set it up so that you wife feels like she needs to "fix" both herself and you as well. You should do whatever you can to lighten her load. Don't dump your issues onto her as a way to defend what you did. You may well have been having a personal crisis, but she has enough to deal with right now with her own personal crisis.

Finally, do not allow your own insecurity to hold her back. She will likely need to do some individual work herself to restore her self esteem. Many women will lose weight, change their look, and generally try to improve themselves after their husband has cheated. Do not be accusatory or make comments and wonder if she is going to cheat herself or leave you. She needs all of your support right now and she needs to feel free to do whatever helps her cope and makes her feel better. Compliment her new look and offer her all of the support that you can. You want for her to know that you are in her corner rather than looking over her shoulder.

Some Things You Absolutely Want To Do To Show Your Wife That You're Sorry For Cheating: For starters, you want to put how you feel into genuine words and you want to do this on a repetitive basis. It's really not enough to say I'm sorry once or even a few times. You need to keep saying it until it starts to sink in. Many men will think that they should try to move past this as quickly as possible. They don't want to keep bringing it up because they know that this causes their wife pain.

Here's the problem with this thinking. In the beginning, your wife is going to wonder about how genuine your apologies are. The first days following the affair are all a blur. She likely isn't listening to what you say at first. She's dealing with her own issues and the shock and pain that she feels. And she often thinks you're only sorry because she caught you. But over time, when you keep repeating the same message and you are still hanging in there, she is more likely to believe your words as genuine.

However, your actions are more important than any words you could ever say. She wants to see that you still want to be with her, find her attractive, and are willing to do whatever it takes to prove this to her. This means doing your best to support her even when she lashes out. It means going to counseling or researching healing on your own to learn how you can best help her. It means checking in on her frequently and being an open book so that she doesn't have to check up on you. It means anticipating what she needs and wants and providing it to show her that you know her very well and care enough to act on this knowledge.

Honestly, the most important thing my husband did to "prove" his remorse to me was the fact that he just hung in there and kept coming at me with a loving attitude even though I was being very difficult for a long time. I just couldn't shake him and eventually I came to understand that he was sincere. This was a process and there were starts and stops along the way. But in the end, we made it.

My husband never said the right words that made me believe he was sorry. But over time, his actions did. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/.
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How Do I Prove To My Wife That I'm Sorry I Cheated? Dezhou