Creating Balance In Your Step Family
Living out of balance is one of the most common issues in stepfamilies today
. One of the primary causes of divorce is when the parents live out of balance and put their main focus on the kids. Many of your first marriages did not survive because you or your former spouse put the kids in the center of the family and the center of your marriage.Stop a minute and think; were their times when you told the kids "yes" to something they really didn't need, just to keep them quiet, or times when you put the kids desires first, even when it wasn't best for the family as a whole?
Parents don't consider the consequences when they give the child, at the checkout line a piece of candy, just because the kid cries for it. This parent doesn't see the lasting results of those actions. Many of you already know you shouldn't put your main focus on the kids, but wonder just how much time you should spend with them. How do you create a balance that is fair to everyone and also realistic?
Finding a Balance in your Step Family
First- find time for yourself. You may be laughing right now, because you think there aren't enough hours in the day for you to take some time dedicated to you. But, to stay healthy and sane, you must schedule time for yourself. If you keep running and running, making sure that everyone in your step family is happy, and you forget yourself, you are going to burn out and be worthless to your family and to yourself. Stop and think about this- when are the days that you lose your temper and yell, or burst into tears or basically can't parent or be a loving spouse? Those are the days you've forgotten to take care of yourself !
If you truly want to love your family, you need to learn how to love yourself. And- by the way- can you really keep everyone happy all of the time? Now- that's unrealistic. So- let's talk about you for a little bit. You deserve to take some time for yourself.
Time to Relax
If you are saying to yourself that you don't have time to relax, you're wrong. You don't have time to skip relaxing. Figure out what makes you calm and make room for these activities in your day. Even if you have to write them on your "to do" list or create an appointment for yourself on your calendar- just do it.
Figure out what activities you truly enjoy doing and make time to do these things, too. Figure out a time, at least 1-2 times a month, to schedule something special- just for you.
And What About Respect for You in the Blended Family?
At birthdays, when your family asks, "What can we get you?" - think about it, and give them a thoughtful list. You are a precious, unique person. Treat yourself that way! Do you want your daughter to treat herself as someone who always comes in last place, gives up the good seats, and refuses the last bite of cake? Do you want your son to never stand up for himself, but always let others get the best of everything, the last piece of chicken, or decide the day's activity? No, of course not.
It's very hard to teach respect when you don't respect yourself. It's also difficult to teach respect among the step family when you don't show respect to your spouse. Support your mate, in front of the children, especially when your spouse is not present, and can't hear the conversation. Let your children know that you support your spouse's decisions.
Keep Memories of Special Times
Create a box to keep special memories. Put cards (birthday, mother's day/father's day, anniversary, thank-you notes) - anything you receive, that makes you feel good about yourself, into this box. If someone gives you a compliment, write it down and put it in your box. Those of you that aren't as organized, and don't see yourself creating a special container for your memories-- then put items in the bottom of your underwear drawer- it works just a well! Periodically, go through your box or underwear drawer, and read these compliments and praises.
Take Time for Yourself
You're worth it! Make the time. You will feel stronger physically, mentally and emotionally after you have regular times to renew your spirit, your soul and your body. Your family will appreciate a stronger, healthier, and happier you.
Spend Time with your Mate
Well, you chose him or her as your partner, to walk through life with you. I'm sure you didn't remarry because it was always your goal in life to be a stepparent, to parent another person's child and be responsible for this child without all the authority. No? I didn't think so! So- you entered this marriage because you love your mate- you saw a second chance at life, a chance to get it right this time, and have a great marriage.
Well- if you want a great marriage, then you need to spend time with your spouse! Your marriage should be in the center of the family, not the kids. The two of you should connect daily, and plan at least a couple of times a month to get away from the kids and just enjoy life together. it doesn't have to be an expensive, out of town vacation, it can be a quiet dinner, looking into your love's eyes and just listening to them talk. What's important is that you are continuing to get to know your mate, pay attention to his or her interests, and be an active part in their lives.
The kids need a stable marriage as a model for their future. You can provide that healthy example by giving your spouse priority and showing your kids, every day, what a great marriage is all about.
Put a priority on your marriage means parenting together. Create family rules together and support your spouse when these rules need enforcing. It's tough to parent, but the biological parent truly needs to enforce consequences, and maintain the rules and boundaries with his or her kids, and then support his or her spouse when they need to reinforce family rules becomes necessary. The biological parent that lets the stepparent take the lead in discipline is creating a recipe for disaster. The biological parent needs to show the kids that the parents are a united front, and opening support the step parent's actions and words when he returns.
Your family is important- and creating a healthy balance means dedicating time to yourself, your spouse, parent/child time and blended family time. This is not easy, but it's crucial that you figure out a balance for you and your step family.
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