Children And Grief: What To Expect
If your child is very young you may need to explain what death is
. This is never easy but try to be as honest as possible. Most importantly, allow and encourage your child to ask questions. When you are grieving it can be difficult to hear some of the questions they will have, particularly as many are likely to be insensitive and naive. However, it is vital that you take these questions seriously. Often you will find that you have to suitable answer to difficult questions such as 'why did my dad die?' Do not worry if your answer has to be 'I do not know', just be truthful.Why did my sister die?
There will be time when you do not have an answer, often you will have wondered the same thing. In this situation, it can be best to ask the child why do you think?' This provides the child with an opportunity to confide in you their concerns and fears; ideally the answer will also help you to put an end to these fears. Young children are the centre of their own world, at an early age they comprehend only what is immediately in front of them. The game peek-a-boo goes some way to illustrating this. Because of this a child will often believe that they are the cause of the death, you will need to help them understand that things can happen which are beyond their control.
New Questions
It is pointless to give a detailed explanation of how a loved one died to a very young child. However, as the child develops mentally their questions will change. The questions they ask may become religious such as 'will my sister be in heaven? What is it like? Can she see us? or they may wish to know more information; for example 'why do some people who are ill live? Whatever the question, answer it honestly. Above all, never lie to your children and instead tell them the truth in as age appropriate way as possible. Remember that creating different stories will lead to confusion and can also make a child create their own stories and blame themselves. Children often overhear or pickup on things without directly being told, this can be dangerous as they will come to their own conclusions with the limited information which they have, this is more painful for the child than hearing the truth from you.
Will I die?
Young children usually believe that adults will protect them from anything bad happening. Once someone dies this illusion is somewhat shattered. Some children will worry that you cannot protect them from being hurt or dying, others may be afraid that you will die and they will be alone. Often children are afraid to tell you these fears so look out for Nightmares Sleeplessness Anxiety Becoming shy or alienating themselves from friends and family Problem behaviour
Saying goodbye
Do not be afraid to show your own grief in front of the child, its important to know that the emotions they are feeling are natural. Unlike adults however, children start and stop feeling grief. Try to play with the child when they are not grieving, this will encourage them to believe that you can both go back to being happy.
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