Dealing With Family Influences to Build Self-Confidence
Dealing With Family Influences to Build Self-Confidence
Family have an enormous effect on our development, the way we see ourselves and our general level of self-confidence. Parents are particularly influential, and tend to pass on any unresolved issues of their own to us. If we've come from a family with parents who lacked confidence, we need to break the strong bonds of childhood and become free of their negative influences in order to feel self-confident.
1. Stop Seeking Validation From Your Family
It's time for some cold hard truth: Your parents did the best job with you that they could. By now, they have either given you all the attention, affirmation, unconditional love and emotional support you needed to grow into a secure, self-assured man; or they have not. Anything you needed but didn't get from them, they don't have in them to give or you would have got it by now. Now that you're an adult, it's time to stop seeking their acceptance and approval, and start being yourself.
It is natural to want our parents love and approval even long into adulthood. We will always want our father to be proud of us, and our mother to be supportive. These childhood habits die hard. But there is a trap: Parents who lack self-confidence aren't in a good position to create confidence in their children. If your parents lacked confidence, it's particularly important that you don't continue seeking validation from them.
Now is the time to break away and start being your own man. You can do this while still retaining contact with your family, but you need to start being aware of times in your life when your actions are constrained by the continuing need for validation and approval from your family of origin.
Monitor your thoughts and actions, and become aware of times when you vary them out of fear that you might lose the approval of your parents or siblings. Any time you think "What would my mother/father think about this?" is something to watch out for. Be particularly conscious of this when actually interacting with your family in person, on the phone, by email or online.
Start replacing the thought "What would they think?" with "What choice is best for me?". This is not easy and will require ongoing practise as you individuate, but is a key milestone in your psychological development. Don't expect your parents to like all your new choices, as they may have some growing up around this to do too.
2. Have Dinner With Your Father
Our relationship with our father has an enormous impact on our lives and the way we relate to other people. If the relationship is distant our relationships with other people, especially other men, are likely to be distant too. No doubt your father has his failings, but if your relationship with him isn't a strong one it's worth working on.
A few years ago I decided that I wanted to work on having a closer relationship with my father while he was still alive. He's an extraordinarily difficult man to really connect with as he is emotionally neutered and suffers from verbal diarrhoea. At first it was difficult to get him to talk about anything meaningful, but eventually I got through his outer defences and he even shared some of his feelings with me. It's still hard work, but now we have a more genuine relationship and it's no coincidence that I feel more confident generally and have better relationships with women too.
If you're not in the habit of hanging out regularly with your father, now is your chance. Call him up and say "Hey Dad, let's do dinner next week. When are you free?". Don't invite your mother; this is man time. If your father is no longer alive, find a positive male role model to hang out with instead and talk to him about what your relationship with your father was like.
Start doing this regularly and begin watching your confidence as a man grow. Your father is waiting for your call.
3. Have Lunch With Your Mother
I don't know what your relationship with your mother is like or what it was like while you were growing up. However, I do know that this relationship sets the foundations for the way you relate to women. I had a great deal of buried resentment towards my controlling/domineering emotionally inexpressive mother. Getting over this isn't easy, but it's important because it will affect the way you relate to other women.
You need to understand where your mother is coming from. You don't have to agree with her; in fact, it's better if you don't because men and women see things differently. You want to grow out of having to please mommy all the time, and it helps if you can at least understand her and the influences on her life.
Give your mother a call and ask her out to lunch. Ask her what it was like for her bringing you up, and listen to what she says. Remember, it's just her perspective you want. She's not the boss of your life any more and you don't have to agree with her or justify why you were the way you were as a kid. Just listen and try to understand her better.
If your mother is no longer alive, try an aunty, sister or other female family member or friend who knew your mother and might have a new perspective on her.
Start doing this regularly and begin watching your relationships with women improve.
These are some of over 50 activities in the Confident Man Free Confidence Building Course.
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