Why Can't I Get Over His Cheating? Here's Some Possibilities
Why Can't I Get Over His Cheating? Here's Some Possibilities
I recently received an email from a wife who told me that her husband cheated five years ago. They had decided to save the marriage and both had worked very hard to make this happen. Still, even five years later, the wife was still feeling a great deal of pain and doubt. She asked things like "what's wrong with me? I just can't let it go. Why can't I just get over hischeating once and for all? Enough time has passed that I should be able to move on."
This email really touched me because I know, somewhat, how this woman feels. And it really bothers me that she thinks that it's her that did something wrong or that there is something wrong with her. There is no set time line on letting go or getting over his affair. But, five years is a very long time to feel this kind of pain. I felt that there might be some places to look to check and see if the wife was getting what she needed to heal. I will discuss this more in the following article.
Did She Believe That Her Husband Was Truly Sorry, Was Really Committed To Her, And Would Not Cheat Again?: Often when women tell me that they "just can't get over his cheating," I usually find (with a little digging) that one of a few things are at play. Sometimes, the wife doubts that the husband is really sorry. Wives will often tell me things like "he's only sorry that I caught him. Sometimes, I think that if I had never find out, then he would not have ended the affair on his own." Or, "I'm afraid that he's only with me because of the kids and because he doesn't want to lose all of his assets."
If you feel this way, then you really should tell your husband. Wives will often think that their husbands "know" how they feel, when they really and truly do not. Many wives will stuff their feelings down because they feel guilty for continuously bringing this up. But, if your stuffing it down means that you're never able to resolve it or to let it go, then it's just not worth it, is it?
Other times, I will have wives tell me that they just doubt that their husband really wants to be with them. They just aren't that confident that he is their first choice. This too is something else that you will need to address with him. If he has more work to do on showing you his affection and commitment, then at least tell him and give him the opportunity to fix this. Again, we often think that he should be able to read our minds, when in actuality, he would like to, but just can't.
And quite frankly most women would be perceptive enough to pick up on this, but men aren't as likely to read between the lines. Sometimes, you are going to have to spell it out to get him to connect the dots. Yes, it's not fair that you're the one who has to take the initiative. But if doing so will help you to heal and get what you need, then taking the initiative might be worth it.
Finally, many women are not able to give their husbands their trust because deep down, they are afraid that he is going to cheat again. There will come a time when you will need to make a judgment call as to whether you trust him or you don't. But, if he's not doing anything to help himself in that regard, ask him to do better. You are well within your rights to ask him to check in and to be accountable if you have any questions or concerns.
The last thing that I will say on overcoming these concerns is that if you feel that you need some help to get over the hump, don't hesitate to get it. Someone else's poor decision making and actions should not be a life sentence for you. Do not let this bleed into other areas of your life or into other relationships. You deserve to be happy and to not let this follow you around for any longer.
Restoring Your Self Esteem Is Equally Important: Sometimes, I will hear from the husbands in these situations and they will swear to me that they are doing everything that I've suggested. They tell me that they are offering reassurance, affection, and accountability. But, no matter what they do or say, their wife still doubts them.
Sometimes in these cases, it can wise to take a look to see if your self esteem has taken a hit and if this has anything to do with your inability to move on. Sometimes, we think that he can't love us or want us because we doubt the allure of ourselves. When we're in this place, he can sometimes say and do all of the right things, but we'll never believe it because we don't think highly enough of ourselves.
This self doubt can be addressed and eventually overcome. It does take commitment and work but it's often the thing that's going to make you see that you can recover from this, learn from it, and move on in an even healthier way than you might have otherwise considered.
I know that these things can be difficult to address, but they are important. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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