Taking Care Of Aging Parents
Taking Care Of Aging Parents
It took me a while to see it. Having to repeat the same things to my mother several times, sometimes because she didn't hear what I said, others because she didn't remember that I had already told her. There were the limitations on driving that appeared seemingly overnight, and the physical frailties that I had not noticed before.
At some point, my mother had gotten older. Into her late seventies now, the woman who took care of me, followed our high school band on trips across the state, followed me to New York for my Carnegie Hall debut, not to mention driving the 300 miles every other weekend for over a decade to help with kids during my unusual work schedule..she was now hitting the point where such activities were not ideal.
Nobody likes to admit that their parents are getting older, because it reminds us that they are human, with a finite existence, and that we won't always have them around. But aging is part of the process, and as our parents enter their sunset years, we need to be aware of it and take proper steps to take care of them and look after them during this time.
One of the most common complaints you will hear from people is that of elderly folks driving, namely that they can't. Most states do start making seniors take their driving test more often. If your parents are becoming dangers to themselves, the best thing to do is to get them to surrender their keys. Often times, a third party can prove beneficial in such a conversation, such a trusted physician or minister who can break the news. Loss if independence (i.e. driving privileges) can be devastating for older adults.
We joke with our parents about putting them in nursing homes, but the fact is that such a move may very well become a reality. Ideally, I think most of us would prefer to have our parents come and live with us, which is very thoughtful and considerate, however, there is real life to contend with, and sometimes an assisted living community is the best option. This is a discussion that should be had early on, when planning for later life events. Obviously, it would be easier to do if you have your parents blessing. Doing so otherwise has about as much charm as being incarcerated at the state pen.
One should also be aware of the location of various important items, such as wills, in the event the parent is to die suddenly. Having a plan in place for the execution of wills, dispensation of estate, etc will prevent additional heartache when the time comes.
On a related note, the parent's final wishes should be honored. What do they want in the way of end of life care? Do they wish to be kept alive artificially? Do they want burial? Cremation? The body donated to science or medical schools? You may find that your elderly parents have very specific wishes for their end of life care.
Become the decision maker in their lives. They may specifically ask you about this, when they become too old, feeble, or mentally incapacitated to make decisions for themselves. Be willing to step up and let them know that you are there and will make decisions that are in their best interests.
Never tell them what they "should" do. Starting sentences with "you should" puts up a defensive wall almost instantly. Instead, begin your sentences with "I" as it is less confrontational and much more likely to actually be listened to.
Keep your emotions in check. I was reminded recently that I exhibited very little patience with my mother when I had to repeat phrases she hadn't heard, or if we were having the same conversation this afternoon that we had this morning. Remember that your parents cannot control much of what is happening to them. As we get older things break down, and that includes things such as memory and hearing. Cut them some slack.
No, it is not easy to watch our parent grow older. But with the right attitude, we can make those years much easier on them. Take the time today to begin looking at ways you can take care of your parents..just think of it as paying them back for the excellent job they did raising you!
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