How Do I Get Over The Fact That My Husband Cheated? I'm Not Sure I Ever Will

How Do I Get Over The Fact That My Husband Cheated

? I'm Not Sure I Ever Will

I often write about the story of how I eventually got over and survived my husband's affair. I also share many of my feelings on a blog. Wives sometimes contact me with their own stories and struggles. Almost always, the common theme in these emails is finally and truly getting over the cheating for good. It's very common that once the shock and feelings of betrayal and hopelessness begin to wane, many wives decide that it's just not worth throwing an entire marriage away over one act.

So, they resolve to put the cheatingbehind them. But, here's the problem. Almost always, it seems that the negative issues stemming from the affair just won't die. The images won't leave your head. The doubts still call to you. The anger still bubbles under the surface. I understand this because I felt every one of these emotions, but I was eventually able to move past them. In this article, I'll share with you what helped me to really get over the cheating so that I could not only save my marriage, but make it better.

Accept That It Takes Time And Don't Blame Yourself: So often, the negative feelings and doubts that we feel about our husbands affairare reflected back onto us. Unfortunately, women are often all too willing to take on some of the blame. Common thoughts are: "I should have given him more attention," "I shouldn't have let myself go," or "how could I have been so stupid not to see all the warning signs?"

These destructive thoughts do nothing whatsoever to help your healing. You must monitor your self talk and answer these negative accusations with positive thoughts. For example when you think "I should've given him more of my time," you should reassure yourself with something like "yes, and if I decide to save my marriage I will take note of this and turn it into more positive action, but the decision to cheat was my husband's alone, not mine."

Another way that women beat themselves up is to say or think thingslike "OK, enough time has passed. My husband is being patient and remorseful and is doing everything night and I should be over this by now. What's wrong with me?" Again, this negative self talk is bringing you backward rather than forward. It's so important to be gentle with yourself and to always ask yourself "are these thoughts making me feel better or worse?" Because if they are making you feel worse, you must banish them. Try to only allow yourself thoughts and actions that move you forward and help you heal. If negative thoughts creep in, think positive thoughts or do something to busy or distract yourself until they pass.

And don't place any time limits on yourself. This healing is not a linear process. One day you may take six steps forward only to take five back the next day. Make sure your husband understands this and doesn't pressure you. Don't be shy about telling him what you need to heal. He can't read your mind and it's very likely that he feels very guilty and would do just about anything you asked. Don't use this to punish him or spew negative emotions, but do allow this to help you be honest and forthcoming about what you really need.

Knowing What Is Going To Move Your Forward And Help You Get Over The Cheating: I often tell women that they have to be honest with their husbands about what they need, but so many tell me things like, "the problem with that is that I just don't know what this is. Some days I want his affection and some days, I just want him to leave me alone." This is completely normal.

Every woman has different needs after an affair and these needs can change from day to day. And, what can really help is to just tell your husband directly that your moods and feelings are swinging and that you can't predict or change them, but you will be honest about them. Don't be shy about telling your husband you need more affection and reassurance, if this is the case. Many women are afraid that doing so will make them seem needy and high maintenance. The truth is, your husband is probably waiting and hoping for some feedback. And, if you need your husband to be forthcoming with information about where he is, that's perfectly understandable and it's better that you tell him rather than keeping quiet and allowing your doubts to fester.

Creating A Better Reality That Makes You Want To Focus On The Future Rather Than The Past: The real key to getting over cheating once and for all is creating something that makes you want to look forward. If you create a happy, fulfilling marriage where both people are forthcoming, communicating, and getting their needs met, then most times you are not worrying about what happened yesterday. You'd rather spend your time thinking about how connected and loved you feel and how glad you are you didn't throw all of this away.

This doesn't happen overnight. Not at all. It takes work. It takes both parties learning how to communicate and interact in a more honest and meaningful way. It requires that both parties are committed and open. But, when it happens, the result can be a marriage that is better than ever and a couple that are stronger for having gone through adversity. Over time, this kind of happiness keeps you from wanting to dwell in the painful past.

Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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