How Long Does it Take to Get Over Your Spouse's Infidelity?
How Long Does it Take to Get Over Your Spouse's Infidelity
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Probably one of the most common questions regarding infidelity is "how long does it take to really and truly get over it?" It's so common to want to forgive and to want your old life and relationship back only to find that nagging doubts, feelings of betrayal, and the bombardment of hurt comes rushing back with a great deal of frequency.
Worse, sometimes, you may even start to think that you're finally healing only to find that the old negative feelings come back at you out of the blue. It can start to feel like it's never going to end, that you're never going to truly be whole, but it doesn't have to be this way. I often tell people that iftheykeepasking themselves "how much longer untilI'm finally over the cheating?," then there is something missing in their healing regimen. Below, I'll tell you the most common places where people tend to get stuck when trying to truly get over infidelity.
Has Your Husband / Wife Given You Any Reason To Still Mistrust Them?: Often, when people tell me they are having trouble moving on, I'll try to confirm that the spouse has made themselves completely accountable and trustworthy. This means that the cheatingspouse is willing to do whatever needs to be done to puttheir loved one'smind at ease. This often means handing over passwords to accounts that previously were not shared. Full disclosure is key here and it helps if the cheating spouse does this without being asked.
It's also necessary to remove reminders or interactions with the person with whomthe cheating happened. So, in one example,the coworker who got too close needs to be removed fromyour life. Or the neighbor who crossed the line can not remain a constant reminder of the affair. Yes, this may mean changing jobs, moving to another department or even moving to another home, but true healing often requires that you remove constant painful reminders that only reopen the wound time and time again.
The person who was unfaithful should also be very generous with their reassurance and their attention. Yes, it may feel that your spouse is being "needy" when they wantconstant reassurance or they want to know your whereabouts, but always remember that those feelings arethe result of the infidelity.
Are You Concentrating On Making The Relationship Better?: One common mistake that I see people make is that they just want to get their old lives (and their old relationship)s back. They want to turn back time as though the affair never happened. Not only is this totally impossible, but it's not healthy either. The reason for this is that there had to be at least some flaw in your relationship that left it vulnerable to cheating. This vulnerability must be addressed and fixed so that you are secure in the relationship and confident that the cheating is not going to happen again.
If there is one thing that is100% going to make it possible for you to be 100% completely over the infidelity, it is this: a new relationship that is so fulfilling, satisfying, and happy, that you want to look forward rather than relive the past. That doesn't happen over night and it doesn't happen without a lot of hard work and patience on the part of both parties. But, when it does happen, it goes a long way toward putting the affair in the past for good. Because when both people are satisfied, committed, understood, appreciated, and desired, then there is really no room for negative feelings or negative reminders. So, you must do the work that is necessary to return to this place. Once you do, you'll see that the reminders of the affair lessen dramatically until they are rarely occurring at all.
Do not do what you've always done in your relationship.Improve your communication. Deepen your intimacy. As hard as it is, when the time is right, allow yourself to trust and be vulnerable again. Because, if you are going into the relationship only half hearted, then you're only going to reach (at best) half of the relationship's potential. And, this is not enough, usually, to bridge you over the betrayal.
Is Not Being Able To Get Over The Affair More About You And Less About Them?: Finally, I want to touch on one other possibility that I frequently see in someone that is stuck in the feelings of betrayal. Sometimes, your partner can say and do all the right things. And, you can both do the hard work on the relationship so that you get it to the point where you really should have healed, and yet, you still don't feel "right" or "whole."
In these instances, I often ask the person to take a look at their own sense of self esteem and self confidence. Because often (and I know this was true in my own case), there is a little voice of self doubt in your head that was truly there all along waiting to sabotage you. In truth, I have never had the greatest self esteem and, if I am honest with myself and with you, somewhere in the back of my mind, I always thought "what am I going to do to run this guy off? what is a guy like him doing with someone like me since I'm not pretty enough, or thin enough, or smart enough, etc.?" So, of course, when the affair happened, that little voice said "I told you so. I knew something would go wrong. I knew you would mess it up" And, I had a hard time shutting this voice down.Even though I intellectually knew that the affair was not at all my fault, my heart had a hard time getting this message.
It wasn't until I did a lot of work on myself (outside of my marriage andmy husband) that I finally came to know that I was absolutely good enough and that my husband is lucky to have me. Yes, I dropped some weight and improved my appearance, but the internal part of me has changed as much as the external part and this is often necessary. Because, how are you ever going to believe that your husband deep down loves you if you can't even believe it yourself?
I struggled greatly with truly and completely getting over my husband's affair, but I am now whole. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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