A Primer For Parenting Success
Parenting can be hell. Think about it. Parenting requires an adult to "control" and "correct" a child's natural impulses and desires, for at least eighteen years! "Don't do what you want, do what I say because I know best." Good luck! This dynamic inevitability results in conflict, frustration and strained relations.
There is nothing in life that gives more pleasure or a greater sense of purpose than being a parent. There certainly are unparalleled joys in being a parent, but parenting itself can be hell.
In contrast with the very real challenges of parenting are the idealized images that culture imposes upon our collective psyche. Images of super-nurturers, unfailingly patient and wise, always understanding and never losing their cool; always knowing what to say or do. Sound familiar? This is embedded in art, advertising, music, books, movies, and television. It's even in those "mushy" greeting cards that children give parents on Mother's/Father's Day, thereby perpetuating the myth. Consider the typical Mother's Day card and the more realistic version.
** A Typical Mother's Day Card **
Dearest Mom,
Words cannot express my thankfulness for all
that you have done. Your unending patience,
understanding and ability to make us laugh
through the tough times, taught me so much.
While no one deserves a parent as perfect as you,
I can only count my blessings and say...
Have a wonderful Mother's Day!
** A Realistic Mother's Day Card **
Mom-
Remember when I would do stuff that drove you nuts and
how crazy you got?
I mean like those times I would push your buttons and
your neck veins would pop out?
Remember?
Anyway I do love you and appreciate most of what you
did for me, but we sure had some wacky times when
I was growing up.
Have a wonderful Mother's Day, you deserve it!
***
We internalize the myths of the perfect parent, developing unrealistic expectations of our parenting experience and ourselves as parents. As a result, parenthood not only supplies us with immense challenge, frustration and failure, but offers tremendous guilt as well! What a deal! This brings us to a large step towards becoming a more effective parent:
Go easy on yourself! Parenting is an impossible job to always do well!
As parents, the best you can do is to try to screw-up less and enhance your emotional survival while enduring the challenges of parenthood. This is a very important point. The "goal" of being a good parent is to try and screw up less. It's impossible not to make mistakes because no one can always be successful at parenting. What's really crucial is being more realistic about the rigors of parenthood and open to more effective parenting techniques.
If you're like most people, you probably have a neighbor or acquaintance who appears to have an idyllic family existence: Smiling parents with obedient children, who seem effortlessly in control. Now that is abnormal! I bet that behind closed doors, there are problematic things going on; Dad's a cross-dresser or perhaps Mom's on heavy doses of Prozac. It's normal for family life to be a series of struggles and challenges. I've never met anyone, child or adult, who gave their parents "straight A's" on their parenting report cards. That's why we all strive to be better parents than ours were. Of course, it's not long before we find ourselves saying the very things to our children that we hated hearing our parents say to us!
The key is to focus less on your parental imperfections and mistakes, while putting more emphasis on your efforts to improve your parenting skills thereby increasing the positive experiences of parenthood. Book will provide you with some of the tools necessary to do just that. The simple fact that you are reading this is an indication that you care about your parenting skills and want to improve them. That in itself deserves recognition and entitles you to some sense of self-satisfaction. As we will see, it's natural for all of us to emphasize the negative and minimize the positive. It is very important, however, that you make a conscious effort to shift this pattern as it relates to your self-perceptions as a parent. Revel in your accomplishments and try to learn from your mistakes. Go easy on yourself.
It is also important to take care of yourself as a parent. This is especially true for at-home parents. It is quite common for working parents to underestimate the difficulties endured by at-home parents. They're little kids, what's the big deal? Being at home all day, everyday with your children can be a very stressful, tedious and draining experience. Here's a cute story t illustrate:
A daughter was born in late May. The industrious wife returned to work after just three weeks, despite a six week paid maternity leave. At the time the husband, a school psychologist had the summer off. Given that he was a child "expert", who's better suited to take care of the newborn than he! He frequently videotaped the daughter that first summer. He didn't watch the tape until the fall and when he did it was a great documentary of the child's early development and the emotional deterioration of the parent! By late August, he was making finger puppets into the camera and she wasn't even in the room!
That's why parents are advised, especially at-home parents, to take care of themselves as part of improving their overall parenting.
As a parent, you need to make time for yourself and relax by doing something that you enjoy. Even if it's just a couple of hours a week. Otherwise you're not going to have the endurance to handle all of the ongoing stresses of parenting. If not for yourself, do it for your child.
An overly stressed parent cannot be as effective and will lose their temper more often and make poorer disciplinary decisions. Similarly, it is important for parents to rediscover dating. Going out for a nice evening together to relax, and getting to know each other again is very important, even if it's just once a month. It's not being selfish, it's being smart.
Taking better care of yourself will help you to take better care of your children.
by: Richard Barthallo
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