Online Dating And Liars: Five (almost) Bulletproof Coping Strategies For Women

The other day I was spelunking online, looking at the dating blogs and I came across

an article on one of the biggest bugaboos associated with online dating; misrepresentation. (Or less politely, lying.) The article, entitled "How To Tell If They Are Lying Online" had some pretty good advice, but with (I thought) a stronger bias toward the negative than was perhaps deserved. I felt obliged to comment.

One of the "knocks" against online dating has been the presumption that it's easier to lie. Intuitively, that feels true. You're not physically there in the earlier stages, so you miss body language or the other non-verbal cues we're accustomed to in up-close conversation.

But while it may be easier to lie in the early stages of online dating, it may in fact be less common than we think. That's what the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships concluded in their study comparing the frequency with which online daters misrepresented themselves versus those who met more "conventionally." They found no "statistically significant" difference, to summarize their findings as reported in the Mar 8, 2010 article in Yahoo news. If the objective is an enduring relationship, in fact, there's actually a powerful motivation to be truthful.

So...where does the persistent belief that online daters are more inclined to lie come from? In part, it's an outgrowth of an advantage my readers will recall from some of my other writings. That advantage is strategic reach; by that I mean, you can and will meet people you otherwise would not. That certainly broadens your horizons, but as a woman, it also increases the likelihood you will encounter men who do not share all your values; like your compunctions about lying, for example. But taken as a whole, I suspect that the relationship-oriented men you meet online are at least as truthful as those you might meet conventionally.

Which isn't to say, "creative" representations of the truth won't happen. They're probably inevitable, however you choose to meet. In online dating, there will always be a few who will forget that they have to live up to their online identity, eventually, if they actually plan to meet. The good news is, there are some ways to ferret them out and I'm going to share with you my top five. They aren't quite bullet proof, but following the coping strategies below stood me in good stead and they may help you in your own search for the relationship you seek.

1. Start by being honest yourself, even when it may be a little inconvenient. I confess I had to work at this, at first. As I got better at copping to the less endearing truths about myself, I was surprised to see women open up and do the same...which of course made me open up more. A little honesty demonstrates you realize you step into your jeans one leg at a time and helps make you approachable...and honesty less threatening as a result.

2. Meet as soon as you can, consistent with safety and comfort. Once you've taken the precautions necessary to ensure your safety and you're convinced he may have enough going on to warrant checking him out, meet and meet soon. The less time either of you have to spend dreaming up an idealized version of each other, the better. Additionally, the sooner both of you become real people, the better you'll be able to gauge "chemistry" and the more important truth will be; to both of you.

3. Compare what he said he was like in his profile with how he behaves. If there's a difference between who he is and who he says he is, this is where it will usually show up first. It may not be a lie, by the way. He may simply have a less than accurate self-image. Either way, you'll know if it's a show-stopper.

4. Know what you want and find non-confrontational indicator questions to ask that will ascertain if he's a fit. An example? Say you want an idea of how he will treat you, when familiarity sets in. Find out how he manages his relationship with his mother. If he's like most men, he eventually had to extricate himself from her. What's the relationship like now and how did he manage the rough spots? It will tell you a lot about how he will be with you.

5. Never invest yourself in the outcome of a meeting beforehand. You're meeting to assess the degree of chemistry and potential compatibility. There are some things you can and should do to prepare for that meeting, to help ensure it's comfortable and CAN go well if chemistry and compatibility are there. But avoid allowing your impressions from email and the phone to color your judgment.

If you do no more than these things, you will find the probability of becoming a victim of someone inclined to "creative truthfulness" will be lower. It won't prevent those prone to lying from lying to you or someone else. It just means you don't have to pay the price for it. Best of love and life!

Copyright (c) 2010 Dirk Sayers

by: Dirk Sayers

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