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After you've been at it for a while, dating can get to you
. If you have gone on a succession of dates that haven't led anywhere, or have experienced two or more difficult break-ups in a short period of time, you may be dreading your next dating experience. If you feel that you can't go on your next date with a smile on your face and an optimistic attitude, it's time to take a break from dating.
Your break doesn't have to be that long. Two or three months should be enough time for you to regroup and feel better about yourself and your future, provided you truly take a vacation from dating. In other words, don't simply stop going out on dates - find enjoyable and enriching activities to fill the time you would ordinarily spend networking and dating. Isn't there a city or country you'd love to visit, a project you'd like to take up, or a talent you want to explore, or something you've always wanted to learn or do, but haven't been able to find the time to do so?
How To Spend That Vacation Time
Singles we've worked with have embarked upon a wide range of activities and projects during their breaks from dating. Many took up a sport daily swimming, aerobics classes, tennis, power walking. One man we know learned the art of wine-making, someone else enrolled in a Japanese cooking course, a few decided to begin learning daf yomi, while another volunteered at a soup kitchen. Two women went on a trip to Hawaii, one learned to play the guitar, and another joined a local women's theater group. Each found an activity they enjoyed that was suited to his or her personality, and many of them continued with their new interest after they returned to the dating scene. Most people who took this advice to heart reported that it helped them feel refreshed and have a more positive outlook about dating.
Our friend Sima loved to fill her house with flowers, and had often toyed with the idea of learning how to design floral arrangements. When Sima decided to take a break from dating, she enrolled in a flower arranging course at a local adult school. Just as she expected, Sima loved the class, but she had never anticipated that it would also enable her think of herself as a talented, creative woman. In the past, she'd concentrated on the career Sima the MBA whose hard work led her to become head of human resources for a mid-sized company. Now, in addition to her corporate responsibilities, Sima enjoys making gift arrangements for her friends and donating beautiful centerpieces for weddings of needy brides. Sima's new view of herself has also had a positive impact on her dating life. It enabled her to regain her optimism and feel more positive about her dating experiences. The men she dated saw a woman who was happy and self- confident, and many of them enjoyed hearing her fresh point of view. Sima insists that had she not taken a "dating vacation", she would have stayed in a rut and would not have been receptive when the right man came into the picture.
It's a Real "Dating Vacation"
There's something else to bear in mind when you take a break from dating it has to be a real break. Have you ever brought your laptop and cellphone on vacation so that your office can reach you in an emergency, and returned to work a week later feeling resentful and not refreshed because the work encroached on your private time? You'll have a similar problem if your break from dating isn't complete. During your vacation, dont network to find new partners, dont set up meetings with matchmakers, and dont accept dates for a future time. If youre contacted about a potential match, take a rain check, even if you've been hoping to get on this person's "list for some time. Most people will understand it when you say, "I really appreciate your thinking about me. I am taking a break right now but I will be dating again in another six weeks. If the person you've suggested is still available at that time, I'll be happy to talk about your suggestion."
The reason you should pass up the suggestion is that when you are burned out or not fully recovered from burnout, dating is counterproductive. You are "emotionally unavailable" to everyone, including the man or woman with whom you've been hoping to be set up, and you'll have difficulty making a connection. Moreover, you'll project "negative vibes" that you are probably unaware of, and your dating partner will sense them and react unfavorably.
There's More to Life Than Work and Dating
Sima's experience did more than enable her to overcome dating burnout. It also reminded her that there is life outside of working and dating. It sometimes takes a long time to meet the right person. During the time that you are looking for your future life partner, shouldn't you also feel fulfilled and happy about yourself?
Many singles live very rich personal lives at the same time that they search for someone to share that life with. Unfortunately, some unmarried men and women have the same mindset Sima had before she enjoyed her dating vacation. They hold themselves back from living life to its fullest because theyve been conditioned to think that they need to wait do so until they are married. A man may remark, "I'll start learning daf yomi or do chesed after I'm married". A thirty-year-old professional may live in rooms that are suitable for college students because he thinks nice living accommodations are for married people. An educated woman will bide her time at a job that bores her because shes waiting to get a "real job" once she knows who she will marry and where she will live. Young executives will devote 12 to 14 hours a day to their careers and promise to slow down once they have a family to worry about.
Life is too short, and the search for a spouse may take a while. Why not make your life as rich as possible now? It may even help that search come to an end sooner
by: David Greenberg
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