Can Anything Help Me Get Over My Husband's Cheating
Can Anything Help Me Get Over My Husband's Cheating
Many people assume that an affair means the end of a marriage or that a husband who cheats should automatically be abandoned. The reality though is that this is not often the case. Many people will chose to try to save their marriages as many realize that it just doesn't make sense to throw away a life time of history or to break up a family because of one indiscretion.
But, "getting over" an affair can be very difficult. It's common to really want to move on and save the marriage, but to still have trust, intimacy, and resentment issues. Many wives tell me things like "I need help getting over this affair once and for all. I want to move on and sometimes I think I am, but I just can't seem to quit thinking about his cheating and I have a hard time trusting him again." These issues are very common, but are not insurmountable. Often being stuck means that you haven't fully addressed all of the issues or that you haven't gotten your needs met. I'll go over this more in depth in the following article.
Getting The Necessary Distance: The first thing that I'd like for you to understand is that you must have patience with yourself. There's no way around the fact that healing takes time. If you try to rush this process, there's a chance that you'll leave unresolved issues that will pop up again later in very negative ways. Don't allow your husband to pressure you toforgive or move on before you are ready or have had your needs met to yoursatisfaction.
There is no time line hereor no "right answer." Healing is individual, but it comes when you see over time that your husband is not going to repeat this behavior and that he is proving himself to be loving, trustworthy, and supportive again.And, it's perfectly normal for your moods and your resolve to change. One day you may feel that you're well on your way to beingwhole again, only to feelfull of doubt the next. The good news is that if you're regularly getting what you need, these swings willdefinitely lesson over time.
Understanding And Asking For What You Need: Different women are going to need different things from their husbands to heal. Some women will want a good deal of time alone to sort through things and some will want lots of attention and reassurance. Some women will not want to hear about the details of the affair and some wives willdemand to know everything.
It's very important that you are honest with yourself about what you want and need without worrying about appearing needy, angry, or spiteful. You've been dealt a difficult blow and your husband is going to have to bepatient while you work these things out. So yes, everything is quite individual, but there's often a common thread. Most wives need for their husband's to be remorseful and to demonstrate this. Most wives need for their husband to be very accountable and transparent. You'll likely want to know where he is and who he is with. Yes, this may be "high maintenance," but this is justifiable behavior considering what has happened. You'll also need to know that you've both been honest about what was wrong and what led up to this so that you're secure in the fact that you won't be dealing with this again somewhere down the road.
I often find that women are reluctant to ask for these things. They don't want to make a bad situation worse and they feel they are in no position to make demands. I understand why you may feel this way, but ultimately, not being truthful and honest will backfire. If you don't shine a light on the elephant in the room and fix him, then you and your marriage are still very vulnerable.
Focus On Making Your Marriage (And Yourself) Better Than Ever: I find that one large obstacle to getting over an affair is that many wives look at it like they are going to do all this work and going through all this pain only to be rewarded with a damaged marriage or at best a marriage that is back to where it was. Obviously, there were some flaws in your marriage which led to being here today. Your goal then, should be to make things better than ever. It's important to that you truly believe this and to look forward to it.
Having a much improved marriage after an affair is not as rare as you might think. Often an affair forces people to put in the time and to do the hard work so that their marriage emerges much stronger and more fulfilling. And, when two people are happy and committed, it's much less common that they look back on or dwell on the affair. They'd just rather look forward.
It's also important that you take this opportunity to work on yourself. Often an affair will intensify any insecurities you already had. You'll be afraid that you're not enough not pretty enough, not young enough, not sexy enough, etc. You will need to overcome this to have a healthy marriage again. You'll need to be able to separate yourself from your husband's actions. This affair was his choice and his shortcoming not yours. It's important that you never lose sight of this and don't take the blame onto yourself.
I know that working through this is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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