The Cuckoo In The Nest: Welcoming A Step Grandchild To Your Family
Psychological articles tell us that the painful introduction of a child into your
family who is not of your blood can cause havoc and heartbreak for everyone concerned if the situation is not dealt with in a sensitive and diplomatic manner. For many baby boomers who are in a position where their son has divorced and remarried, the arrival of the new wifes child into the family from her previous marriage sometimes causes a great deal of resentment.
Baby boomers daughters whose marriages break up have a different set of problems to address: their difficulties do not usually include the necessary marginalizing of the maternal grandparents. For sons it is quite different, as children traditionally reside with their mother; hence the husbands parents sometimes suffer deep loss when grandchildren move away and contact, however frequent it may have been in the past, is limited or even denied completely.
On the heels of the heartache of losing much loved grandchildren comes the interloper; the child of the sons new wife; the cuckoo in the nest. Here is when problems begin to surface and understandably: a child who may already be quite mature is suddenly sharing your sons life, whereas his own children are somewhere far from home. Not only is the child brought into your home your son is pressuring you to welcome this faux grandchild and pretend they are no different to his blood children. Most grandparents reaction is the same: OVER MY DEAD BODY!
Wait a minute! Step back and think before you dismiss this child as someone who is nothing to do with you.
Baby boomers who are involved in their childrens marital difficulties are usually innocent bystanders and so are the children of people whose private lives spiral into separation and eventual divorce. These things might be someones fault or perhaps one of those things whatever the circumstances, there is a certainty to consider - that no blame lies with the child. The child is simply another victim of unfortunate events.
Psychological articles that examine human reaction to stress and the resulting rage that takes place when beloved grandchildren are removed from their extended family environment note that in time there are certain acceptances that might take place. The problem is that many children require a level of hospitality from their new family before that acceptance has taken place. When the loss of grandchildren is still raw and your son, in your opinion, is behaving like a complete idiot, here comes this child waiting to be accepted, wanting to play with your dog and eat at your table and help decorate the Christmas tree. It is deeply painful and hard to bear.
The point that baby boomers should remember is that children who are victims of their parents marriage break up are also vulnerable and desperately need as much understanding and love as you can give. If you cannot give love, give friendship for the time being.
by: Dr Karen
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