Sexuality and the Politics of Online Dating
Sexuality and the Politics of Online Dating
Copyright (c) 2010 Dirk SayersSome while ago, a woman I know observed to me that she wished men would be more patient when it came to physical intimacy. Her observation, it turned out, had its beginnings in a low-intensity wrestling match she had the week before. The man's definition of appropriateness of timing was clearly not aligned with hers. She was (and is) someone I like personally so I listened to as much as she was willing to share. He had misread her signals, it seemed. She might have miss sent some, she admitted ultimately. We discussed it for a while, I made a suggestion or two and we wrapped up our conversation with the notion that (at the very least) he had validated her attractiveness and femininity. Only a guy would see it that way, she told me laughingly.I caught myself thinking about her situation, later that day and realized we may have both skirted the real issue, in favor of political correctness. It is, after all the 21st Century. Men are supposed to be more sensitive to all the roles women have in their heralded and expanded roles in society. Aren't we supposed to have all this wrapped up and perfected, by now? Didn't Freidan write The Feminine Mystique almost fifty years ago? What's wrong with guys, anyway?I submit there's nothing wrong with them. Guys do what guys do (and women too) because of genetic imprinting; in both of us. Social evolution, it's true, has likely affected some of the manifestations. But the survival value derived from the elaborate mating tension evolved over many thousands of years erodes much more slowly. Politically correct or not, the body of generally accepted evidence suggests that women for most of our history traded sexual favors for provision and protection...for themselves and their offspring.At the risk of pointing out the self-evident, what sets relationships between men and women apart from same-sex relations (assuming heterosexuality) is gender difference and its sexual polarity. It doesn't matter whether that polarity is ever acted upon. It's still there and affects the dynamics of every interaction. This truth is so elementary it falls under the heading of "needless to say." We all know this at some level, political correctness aside. But like the friend with whom this story opened, many women behave as though they don't know this; or have forgotten. As a woman, my friend is clearly interested in men...or she wouldn't have her profile online, stating that she was "straight" and seeking a long term relationship. And yet, when she got the attention she wanted, in the form she admitted she wanted, she still felt obliged to take exception with the timing.To paraphrase a statement in some of my earlier work, men want what you want, ultimately. You may wish their attention and interest was timed a little more conveniently or that it would take a slightly different form. That said, it's worth remembering you don't control the outcome...only your actions. So what actions can you take if, say, you're meeting online? Can these awkward moments be avoided...or at least minimized? Yes...usually. To do so, consider the following three steps.1. Make sure your online profile(s) reflect the basics accurately: Who you are (Really); What you want (again, Really), come to mind. There are others, of course, but these two are great points of departure. In order to articulate these things in your profile, of course, you need to have taken the time to sort them out. There's the temptation to say, "I already know that..." Before you default to that opinion, try writing who you are and what you want in 25 words or less, each. If you can't, I submit you have work to do.2. Once you've determined Who you are and What you want and you're satisfied with how they are expressed, Don't...(seriously) don't...meet someone whose basics are not fit for your own.3. Work out in your own mind, what you need to know/feel/think before intimacy is in the cards; and how you will recognize it six inches beneath your twitching nose. Until you have whatever it is you need, don't put yourself in situations where you may have to shut him down.If this advice sounds familiar, it should. It is pretty much the advice my mother gave my sisters...and probably the guidance you received, as well. When all the dust clears, you remain (and should remain) in charge of when you're "ready." But for your sake and his, don't fall into the trap many of the Women's Rights advocates have...namely that men should transform themselves into solicitous, asexual drones until it pleases you to decide you're ready to play with his parts. Should they be willing to take "no" for an answer? Yep! Just don't make them wrong for trying, just because you aren't ready. You are not going to change men. Play it safe. Until you're "ready," take your mother's advice and steer clear of situations laced with potential for intimacy that goes beyond your intent. It will save both of you a lot of trouble.I'd like to wrap this one final point about timing. Mr. Right Now is often (though certainly not always) Mr. Right...three months ahead of schedule. It's the 21st Century. Most men are less willing to commit (even to a woman they genuinely care for and are completely comfortable with) until they know you have a genuine, healthy interest in sex and "he" has what it takes to help make it rewarding for both of you. Are there exceptions? Uh...yeah! And if you're normal, healthy and desirable, you probably want nothing to do with most of them.
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