Online Dating - Fantasy Versus Reality
Copyright (c) 2010 Dirk SayersAs my readers know
, I do a lot of snooping around the online dating blogs. As an author on the topic and a mentor to women involved in online dating, I try to keep up with both the thoughts that underpin the activity and the reality of it. Recently I ran across an article that dealt (and dealt well) with a number of topics, including the one which forms the basis of this article. What is real and what isn't, in online dating? What role does how you meet play in the outcome? Speaking of the early stage of the "get acquainted" process and the typical email exchanges, the author states:"By simplifying interactions through the elimination of body language, nonverbal cues, and even environmental influences, the elements of risk are reduced and self-disclosure becomes easier to many...While this aspect may seem as an advantage to the impatient, the speed tends to create a dis- proportionate level of perceived intimacy, a sort of cognitive attraction separate from reality..."The article was written by someone under a pseudonym, so we can't know (for certain) the author's agenda. But he has a valid point if, (and here's the important qualifier)...IF a significant relationship decision is made solely on the basis of cyber-communications. In the age of distant intimacy, is there anyone who hasn't experienced the tickle of familiarity, with someone we've never met? Most readers will have stories of their own...a connection with an employee whose sole persona was the contents of their emails and (maybe) a phone conversation or two. Relying on the highly filtered words of his emails will inevitably lead to an impression that is as much about your hopes as it is about reality. A poor basis for a relationship decision.The problem with our anonymous author's point in the quote above is it seems to ignore what generally follows...at least in what I have called "mainstream" online dating/meeting. Any two people seriously interested in an enduring connection will take communication to the next level and yak on the phone. If they "click" on the phone, they agree to meet, somewhere, to determine if they will also click in person.They do this precisely to avoid that cognitive fiction to which the author referred; to decide whether or not the potential for a relationship is more than "...a cognitive attraction separate from reality..." They close the distance. As I have put it elsewhere, we need to "step inside each other's aura" to see how that feels, if we are to know if whether further exploration is merited.I know nothing of the author's experience or education, so I had to resist the temptation to dismiss his words with the thought "he must never have done online dating...or done it seriously.". But honest reflection reveals a truth worth taking into account. Even for those of us who recognize that online dating/meeting rarely unfolds quite as the author suggested, who of us has never made the mistake of deciding in our minds how our first meeting would go...before we actually met? Were you right? Sometimes...but if so, WHY were you right? Was it because you read his personality so well in email and on the phone...or were you projecting your hopes into reality? Most of us who have used online dating services for a period of time have been guilty of this to some degree, consciously or unconsciously. It isn't difficult to understand why.After a procession of "one and done" meetings and a few promising prospects who hung in there for two or three dates before drifting away, it's easy to let hope take over your head. It's particularly likely if you've been through a dry spell and catch yourself wondering if time is running out for you. You are painfully aware you may be selling yourself short and may be tempted to berate yourself for the short sale; or for impatience, or whatever you usually scold yourself for when doubt creeps in. It makes you feel bad, so you talk yourself back up.YOU know you deserve success: you're also aware that exposure will eventually pay off. You've played your cards intelligently and without rushing or forcing issues. You've been at it long enough to convince yourself you've "paid your dues." This one feels different, somehow and confidence creeps in that the relationship you want is just around the corner. "Perhaps," you dare to hope, "this is the one..." even before it's reasonable to imagine you're right, this time.Is it possible that more disciplined online daters will avoid this error? Perhaps not. But there are also some of us less self-disciplined ones who might and have...maybe more than once. The problem the author alludes to is if the decision is made before you get the facts, a train wreck may be just around the corner.That thought in mind, a question worth asking might be, "How do you avoid letting any tendency you have toward wishful thinking keep from derailing you?"? I'm sorry to report I know of no silver bullet or holy water to ward off any tendency toward going "hope blind.". But to considerably lessen the chances of it, keep these little tidbits in mind. First, you spent all that time working on your profile specifically to find a partner worthy of you. You owe it to yourself and your potential partner to decide based on reliable indicators, rather than wishful thinking. Cautious optimism, in other words. Second and as importantly, remember that extricating yourself from a bad decision has potentially very painful consequences. And it almost always takes longer to recover than getting it right in the first place. Fantasy never lasts...reality does.
Online Dating - Fantasy Versus Reality
By: Dirk Sayers
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