Is It Possible To Save Your Marriage After Your Spouse Leaves You? Why I Believe It's Possible

Is It Possible To Save Your Marriage After Your Spouse Leaves You

? Why I Believe It's Possible

I sometimes hear from people who are in a mad dash to save their marriage after their spouse has already left. I often hear comments like "I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to pull this off. I very much want to save my marriage but my spouse has already left me. I know I have to make him change his mind, but I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to do this when I don't see him every day or have access to him."

This is a very common situation. And, there's a real tendency to panic and to try to overcompensate. You worry that your time is running out and that, if you don't your spouse's attention and do something real soon, they'll be gone forever. But sometimes, taking this path and coming on too strong can do you more harm than good. Sometimes, this strategy only makes you appear desperate and contributes to your coming off negatively.

As hard as it can be to use some restraint and set it up so that things to appear to be happening naturally, this will often yield the most promising results. I will discuss this more in the following article.

If You're Meeting Resistance, Pay Attention: I often hear from people who tell me that, much to their frustration, their spouse isn't talking their calls or returning their texts. And much of the time, this will only make them want to call and text even more. Which can make the situation even worse. Because not only are you not allowing the time and distance to help your cause, your spouse can potentially see you as a pest or as something to be avoided. So instead of making up any ground, you're actually hurting your cause.

And many people do understand this intellectually. But when your emotions are involved, the process becomes much more difficult because the issues become wrapped in fear and loss. So the inclination is to grasp at straws or to cling even tighter, even when you know deep down this isn't helping you any.

As hard as it is, the better path is often the one that requires you to take a step back and to look it more rationally instead of looking at it emotionally. I know first hand this is difficult to do when everything feels so very immediate. But in the long run, this is usually worth it.

Backing Off When You Want To Do Anything But: People often tell me that they know they need to back off a little, but they just can't seem to do it. They'll stare at the phone and tell themselves that they really, truly are not going to call. But then they end up picking up the phone about three minutes later, mad at themselves for not having the self respect to back away, even just a little.

People sometimes also tell me that they feel very strongly that they need to say something, make their spouse understand something, or just see what it is their spouse is doing. The thing is, you can say these things or do these things once the tension backs off and the situation is more conducive to actually making an impact.

Sometimes, if you just can't seem to hold off, the best thing to do is to try to do something that forces your mind off of the situation. In my own life, I ending up going back to my hometown because I knew that this would distract me enough to keep me off the phone or from doing something that presented the most vulnerable part of myself.

And you know what? This did more good for the situation than any of my following, begging, reasoning, or "checking in" ever did. Because as soon as I backed off, my husband began to wonder what had changed. And eventually, he started to reach out to me, instead of it being the other way around.

Showing Your Spouse The Person You Want For Them To See: People often tell me that they see backing off as hiding their true feelings. I suppose you could make that argument. But I would argue that you are just delaying things until the situation is more conducive and agreeable. Basically, you're trying to create the environment that is most favorable to your getting what you want and for things to turn out positively for both of you. And sometimes, this just isn't possible when tensions and emotions are so high.

As things calm down, there might be a period of time where your spouse is evaluating you and the relationship and deciding where he or she wants to go from here. When this time comes, you want to make sure that you have painted yourself in the most favorable light. So, every time you interact with your spouse, you want to drive the point home that you are the same person they fell in love with.

No, you don't tell them this or say any words to this effect. You show them through subtle actions or you infer or imply it. You want for them to think that they are coming to their own conclusions when actually you are offering subtle suggestions which they may not even be conscious of at the time.

The thing is, I'm know I'm asking a lot. Often, your heart is broken. You're afraid. And as such, it's not easy to pretend that you are the carefree, happy go lucky person with whom your spouse had so much fun. But, as hard as this is, it's my experience that this can be the best and most effective strategy because it draws on the positive rather than the negative and it contributes your spouse believing that they came to their own conclusions, as no one like to think that they've been manipulated.

When my husband left me (but I desperately want to save my marriage), I did everything that I could to get him back and I went into "fighting for my marriage" mode. But, I made many mistakes born out of frustration and fear. I delayed, I begged, argued, stalked and engaged, but none of these things worked. Thankfully, I decided to approach things from another angle and this eventually worked. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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