How Do You Ever Begin To Get Over It When Your Husband Admits To An Affair?
How Do You Ever Begin To Get Over It When Your Husband Admits To An Affair
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I recently heard from a wife who was reeling. She said, in part: "my husband just admitted to an affair. To his credit, he came to me and told me on his own. Once he admitted it, he begged for my forgiveness and told me that he would do anything to save our marriage. And, this is what I want too. But I know myself too well. I've gone through this with my sister and my girlfriends. I've had men cheat on me before. And I don't know how I will be able to get over this. I know that I will constantly be thinking about them together. I know that I will constantly be worried that he will cheat again. I have just always thought that if my husband ever cheated, we would have to divorce because I would never be able to get over it. And yet, here I am. Where do I go from here?" I will address these concerns in the following article.
It's Unrealistic And Unfair For Either Of You To Think That You Can Get Over A Spouse's Affair Immediately: This wife was wanting to know how and when she could get over it. And it was pretty obvious that her ideal situation was sooner rather than later. But expecting this puts pressure on yourself and can be a bit unrealistic. There's typically a process that couples have to go through in order to really and truly get over the affair in a healthy and lasting way.
Unfortunately, "getting over it" doesn't happen just because you want and need for it too. There's usually some struggles coupled with revelations along the way. If this doesn't sound like a whole lot of fun - honestly, it isn't. But if there's any good news, it's this. If you do the work and set some groundwork, there are some marriages that actually end up better and stronger after an affair. Because during this process, you can learn an awful lot about yourself, your wishes and your marriage.
And, you can learn better and more open communication and honesty which can intensify your relationship. This doesn't always happen, but if you play it correctly, it can.
What "Getting Over An Affair" Often Really Means: Many times when women ask me how to get over an affair, I think what they really envision is that they are going to wake up one day and have totally forgotten about the affair and the pain that is caused. In other words, they want to be able to cross a line and never have to think or worry about it again.
From experience, I can tell you that this isn't always exactly what happens. Instead, what you often end up with is the fact that although you haven't forgotten the affair, you are ready to move on from it. You are really to move past the pain and to take some lessons from it so that some good can come out of the bad. Most women certainly don't forget the affair and most will tell you that saying you never think of it again is wishful thinking.
But if you're able to get to a point where you've healed, you'll often think of it and it will pass you by like bad memory. You're able to brush it off and go about your day because you know this is in your past and not something you want or need to revisit. You look back at it as a bad time in your marriage that you overcome like other marital issues, such as money, health, etc.
I'm not trying to make it sound worse or better than it is. I'm just trying to say that although you likely won't totally forget, you can move on and even forgive sometimes.
What Getting Over His Affair Usually Entails: Even if people don't fully understand what getting over infidelity feels like, they often want to know how to do it. The steps toward moving on vary from person to person. But, often you will need to understand what sort of issues lead up to the affair and you will need to address those fully. With this done, you will need to restore the trust and intimacy. And, often you'll also need some self work to rebuild your self esteem. This sounds like a lot of "work" and it can be. But it can also be worth it.
And, it helps greatly if you can set it up so that it doesn't always feel like drudgery. As soon as is reasonable to do so, you want to reestablish a sense of playfulness in your marriage and your life. You don't want to walk around feeling wounded all of the time or that you have insurmountable odds to overcome. You want to feel like you're on your way up rather than spiraling downward.
There was a time when I thought I would never get over my husband's affair, but this is in the past. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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